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JOKES!
May 13, 2011 11:18:35 GMT -5
Post by Reaper696 on May 13, 2011 11:18:35 GMT -5
3 laborers were in a conference hall standing if front of a pile of beer and booze. Scott the head bartender walks in and says "OK guys, make sure enough beer and booze are iced down for the party", then walks away.
They look at each other for a second then first one asks "How much is the right amount?", the second one asks "Do we have enough ice?", the third one says"Chill 'em all, let Scott sort 'em out"...
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JOKES!
May 13, 2011 15:58:36 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 13, 2011 15:58:36 GMT -5
A man walks into a western bar. There is a horse sitting at the bar looking depressed and nursing a beer. He asks the bar tender; “What’s up with the horse?” The bar tender tells him the story about how he saw a snake and when he panicked he threw his rider and killed him. They where the best friends so he has been depressed about it for years now. We would really like to see him get back to his old self again so we took up a collection and are offering a $100.00 reward for anyone who can cheer him up.
The man thinks about it for a minute and asks: “Can I take him outside?” the bartender says it’s ok so they go outside. A minute later the man enters the bar again towing the horse behind him and horse is laughing so hard he can’t walk straight. The man collects his reward, finishes his drink, and walks out while everyone gapes in amazement.
About a week later the same man walks into the bar again and the horse is standing at the bar still laughing. When the horse sees who just walked in he falls to the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter. The bartender walks over to the man and asks; “What did you do to him? He hardly eats and doesn’t drink at all now. We are worried about him. We’ll pay you another hundred if you can get him to stop laughing.” The man looks at the horse and sees that he is looking thin so he asks; “Can I take him outside the back this time?” The bartender agrees so the man drags the horse out back. A few minutes later he come in leading the forlorn horse by the reins and deposits him where he first found him next to the bar.
The bar tender shakes his head and reaches for his wallet but before he hands the man his reward he asks; “I have got to know; how did you get that horse to laugh in the first place?” The man replies with a bit of a chuckle; “Oh! that was easy. I just told him my dick was bigger than his.” The bar tender thinks for just a moment and says with a laugh; “That is funny but then how did you get him to stop?”
As the man collects his reward he replies; “I showed him.”
Ok, that was a bit juvenile so here is another I hope is less so;
A man is walking down a beach in San Diego CA., lamenting yet another argument with his wife, when he spots something sticking out of the sand. He digs a little and picks up what looks like an old style oil lamp. The brass is tarnished but he can see that it once had etchings and very nice scroll work on it so he starts to rub on it as he begins to resume his walk. Suddenly the lamp begins to smoke and surprised he drops the lamp in the sand and steps back. A moment later a genie materializes with mutterings of thanks and asks; “How may I serve you master?”
The man is shocked but after a moment of thought he asks; “So you’re a real genie and I get three wishes?” The genie laughs and says; “No. Whoever started that rumor anyway? I only grant one wish and when that wish is fulfilled you must leave my lamp where it is and never touch it again.” The man is a bit disappointed but one wish is better than none so he thinks on it for a moment.
His argument with his wife is because he doesn’t like boats or flying over the ocean and his wife has wanted to go to Hawaii for years. She just doesn’t understand his fears and he doesn’t understand her need to go to this island. So after some thought he asks the genie; “Can you make me a highway from here to the island of Hawaii?” The genie scratches his head and says; “oh man. That is a tall order. There are logistics you can’t possibly understand and then there are the maintenance costs. I would rather not have to grant a wish that requires me to maintain it for eternity. If you don’t mind is there anything else I can grant you that doesn’t require maintenance?“
After a moment the man’s face brightens up and he says; “Well there is one thing I really wish to know but I just can’t seem to figure out on my own.” The man falls silent and looks a bit sheepish so the genie asks; “And what is it you wish to know?” The man replies; “Well; I’m always arguing with my wife, and I just don’t understand her. I don’t know why she feels the way she does about things or why she needs to do things with me that I don’t like to do. Can you grant me understanding of women?”
The genie ponders this for a minute and his shoulders begin to slump. Then he shrugs and asks; “So, will that be a one lane highway or two?”
LonelyForsaken
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JOKES!
Oct 4, 2011 0:08:00 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 4, 2011 0:08:00 GMT -5
Email from the Queen – important announcement regarding the USA:
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to manage yourselves financially and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary', too.). ------------------------ 2. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Credit goes to a friend of mine - Diane Williams Buckman
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JOKES!
Oct 4, 2011 14:29:57 GMT -5
Post by Reaper696 on Oct 4, 2011 14:29:57 GMT -5
Upon his death Michael Jackson finally proved he was heterosexual, he ate Farrah Fawcett's coverage...
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JOKES!
Oct 29, 2011 1:38:28 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Oct 29, 2011 1:38:28 GMT -5
A black and a white guy go in to Doctor's office to get a viscectomy. Nurse comes out and tells the two of them to get into gowns and she will be back in a few.. Couple minutes later nurse comes in and puts latex gloves on and squirts KY in the palms of her hands.. Both guys watching this are wondering what the hell she is gonna do. The nurse then goes to the black guy, lifts up his gown and starts jacking him off.. Excited the man asks "What are you doing nurse?" nurse replied "To make the surgery goes well, we have to clean up the pipes!!!".. The black man still excited liked the idea and kicked back and relaxed and enjoyed it.. During that time the white guy watches in awe, waiting for his turn... After the nurse completed jacking off the black guy, she went to the trash and took off the latex gloves. She then went to the white guy, got down on her knees, took her blouse off, then her bra, exposing here titties. she then stuck her head under the white guys gown and started giving him a blow job... In surprise the black guy, said, "Hey why did I get a hand job and the white guy gets a blow job?".. The nurse comes out from the white guys gown and said, "Sir that's the difference between Obama Care and Blue Cross Blue Shield!!!!!!!
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JOKES!
Nov 1, 2011 13:00:26 GMT -5
Post by ValkyrieGoddess on Nov 1, 2011 13:00:26 GMT -5
Little girl looking at her mom's drivers licence says "hey mom i think i know why dad left you?"
Mom than says "Why is that dear?"
Little girl says "Because you got an F in Sex."
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JOKES!
Nov 1, 2011 13:04:07 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 1, 2011 13:04:07 GMT -5
Costume party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much ?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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JOKES!
Nov 16, 2011 15:01:40 GMT -5
Post by Mikepoet on Nov 16, 2011 15:01:40 GMT -5
I do not think I put this here sorry if I did.
Have you heard of the new stamp that looks like a clit? They stopped selling it though cause only 3 percent of the male population could figure out how to lick it correct.
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JOKES!
Dec 14, 2011 14:48:17 GMT -5
Post by Reaper696 on Dec 14, 2011 14:48:17 GMT -5
What's a lawyer's favorite drink? A screwdriver with an ambulance chaser...
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JOKES!
Dec 19, 2011 22:44:24 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Dec 19, 2011 22:44:24 GMT -5
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
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JOKES!
Jan 4, 2012 20:33:40 GMT -5
Post by Reaper696 on Jan 4, 2012 20:33:40 GMT -5
I just read in my news ticker a preview of a People magazine article: "Kim Kardashian's New Bangs: Love or Loathe?".
I'm not sure which is worse: The fact that a national publication would give time to something so small, or that Kim stopped calling them "boyfriends"...
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Post by ValkyrieGoddess on Apr 24, 2014 12:34:52 GMT -5
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
--Read this one today and almost fell on the floor laughing.
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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JOKES!
Jul 11, 2014 7:11:58 GMT -5
Post by mee on Jul 11, 2014 7:11:58 GMT -5
man walks into a chiropodist pus his knob on the table doc says that's not a foot ,man says yeah but it's a good 10 inches :_)
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JOKES!
Jul 11, 2014 11:35:30 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Jul 11, 2014 11:35:30 GMT -5
wots brown an sounds like a bell
DUNG
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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JOKES!
Aug 6, 2014 6:37:50 GMT -5
Post by mee on Aug 6, 2014 6:37:50 GMT -5
skeleton walks into a bar and says , i'll have a pint and a mop please
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