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JOKES!
Feb 27, 2006 17:34:16 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Feb 27, 2006 17:34:16 GMT -5
This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever. He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.
They have hours of good sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.
The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, trick, you gave me crabs!"
She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"
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JOKES!
Feb 27, 2006 17:35:43 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Feb 27, 2006 17:35:43 GMT -5
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked.
“I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
“No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged 1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie .
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
“Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
“I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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JOKES!
Mar 10, 2006 17:55:07 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 10, 2006 17:55:07 GMT -5
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally braless. She would regularly bend when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. One day her little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she wanted to make love just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
She said, "I am going to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them to me.
I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline to my car. I opened the door and low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test… we could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!
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JOKES!
Mar 10, 2006 17:59:25 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 10, 2006 17:59:25 GMT -5
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters."
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JOKES!
Mar 10, 2006 18:03:52 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 10, 2006 18:03:52 GMT -5
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls’ parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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JOKES!
Mar 15, 2006 20:50:39 GMT -5
Post by Time_Spinner on Mar 15, 2006 20:50:39 GMT -5
those are all hilariously funny LOL.
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JOKES!
Mar 19, 2006 19:46:56 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 19, 2006 19:46:56 GMT -5
indeed they are. i shat my pants laughing.
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JOKES!
Mar 20, 2006 20:06:14 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 20, 2006 20:06:14 GMT -5
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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JOKES!
Mar 23, 2006 23:23:15 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 23, 2006 23:23:15 GMT -5
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, He noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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JOKES!
Mar 23, 2006 23:24:06 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Mar 23, 2006 23:24:06 GMT -5
Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."
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anubis13lade
Dark Initiate
life is judged by the unjudgable's
Posts: 74
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JOKES!
Apr 8, 2006 20:50:05 GMT -5
Post by anubis13lade on Apr 8, 2006 20:50:05 GMT -5
The four sexes
every were sex- when you are first married and have sex on every thing
bedroom sex- after you have bin married for a while and only have sex in the bed room
hallway sex- when you have bin married for a long time and when passing each other in the hallway tell each other f*ck you
court sex- when both your wife and her divorce lower screw you at the same time
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JOKES!
Apr 10, 2006 17:46:41 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Apr 10, 2006 17:46:41 GMT -5
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So, she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey'. But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you maniacally evil, soul consuming, shrew minded, self-centered, fat-assed, tyrannical bitch."
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JOKES!
Apr 10, 2006 17:51:01 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Apr 10, 2006 17:51:01 GMT -5
What do the Mafia and oral sex have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!
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JOKES!
Apr 10, 2006 17:54:38 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Apr 10, 2006 17:54:38 GMT -5
A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "And don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."
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JOKES!
Apr 10, 2006 18:00:12 GMT -5
Post by ImpendingDoom on Apr 10, 2006 18:00:12 GMT -5
There was this couple, a boyfriend and girlfriend.
The girlfriend gets in an accident, and needs 2 pints of blood to live. The boyfriend donates the blood for his girlfriend.
A month later the couple breaks up The boyfriend, out of spite tells his ex that he wants his blood back
The ex-girlfriend then hands him a dirty tampon and tells him she will pay him back monthly.
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