Lileth
Crimson Soul
REBEL SHEEP SAY "mmmooooooo"
Posts: 76
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JOKES!
May 4, 2004 19:54:43 GMT -5
Post by Lileth on May 4, 2004 19:54:43 GMT -5
a gut at you door step no arms no legs? matt a girl on the beach? sandy hahaha ....I've been drinkin
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JOKES!
May 21, 2004 19:17:59 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 21, 2004 19:17:59 GMT -5
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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JOKES!
May 21, 2004 19:19:38 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 21, 2004 19:19:38 GMT -5
I love this one! What does a stripper do to her son before she goes to work? ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ Drops him off at band practice. What were you thinking?
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JOKES!
May 21, 2004 19:20:50 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 21, 2004 19:20:50 GMT -5
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces themself.
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JOKES!
May 21, 2004 19:26:25 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 21, 2004 19:26:25 GMT -5
Two snakes were basking in the sun. One says to the other, " Hey...are we poisonous?" The other says "Certainly...why do you ask?"
"I just bit my tongue!"
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JOKES!
May 22, 2004 18:47:09 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on May 22, 2004 18:47:09 GMT -5
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the San Jose Sharks this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
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JOKES!
May 24, 2004 17:08:18 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 24, 2004 17:08:18 GMT -5
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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JOKES!
May 24, 2004 17:15:56 GMT -5
Post by xpurestxfeelingx on May 24, 2004 17:15:56 GMT -5
(I love this one!!!!) Why don't skater girls like to go to skateparks alone? 'Cause the guys are trying too many backside tailgrabs! ;D ;D
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JOKES!
Jun 10, 2004 11:03:38 GMT -5
Post by lostandalone on Jun 10, 2004 11:03:38 GMT -5
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
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JOKES!
Jun 15, 2004 1:44:07 GMT -5
Post by eliza on Jun 15, 2004 1:44:07 GMT -5
hehe One day an elephant is walking along in the jungle and he falls into a large hunting pit. He yells for help and a little mouse hears him and come over. The elephant asks the mouse to help him out of the hole. The mouse agrees and goes and gets his Ferrari to help him pull the elephant out. The elephant thanks the mouse and they part ways. A week later the mouse is ambling along in the woods and falls into the very same hole. The elephant hears the mouses cries for help and comes over to see who it is. The mouse confesses that he was daydreaming and forgot about the hole. The elephant agrees to help the mouse out so he spreads himself over the pit with his dick hanging down into it. The mouse grabs hold and climbs to safety. The moral of this story: If you have a big dick you don't need a nice car And just a little blond joke.... A golfer who doesn't have room in his luggage for all the golf balls he bought on his trip fills his pockets with them and boards the plane. The blond sitting beside him asks what he has got in his pants and he replies: "Golf Balls". The blond is silent for some time but keeps glancing over at the mans crotch and eyeing his golf ball filled pockets. Finally she blurts out: "Do they hurt as much as a tennis elbow???"
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JOKES!
Apr 19, 2005 13:18:23 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Apr 19, 2005 13:18:23 GMT -5
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
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JOKES!
May 10, 2005 11:48:53 GMT -5
Post by Aish on May 10, 2005 11:48:53 GMT -5
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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JOKES!
May 19, 2005 15:59:57 GMT -5
Post by Aish on May 19, 2005 15:59:57 GMT -5
A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, "If you ain't goin to eat that, do ya mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!"
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insaneklown5000
Dark Initiate
Ringmaster
stupid people are like cockroaches you cant get rid of them and they multiply.
Posts: 11
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JOKES!
Jun 23, 2005 19:05:13 GMT -5
Post by insaneklown5000 on Jun 23, 2005 19:05:13 GMT -5
a blond is in a boat rowing in a corn field. a blond driving by yells at the blond in the row boat. your the kind of person that gives blonds a bad name if i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ass.
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insaneklown5000
Dark Initiate
Ringmaster
stupid people are like cockroaches you cant get rid of them and they multiply.
Posts: 11
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JOKES!
Jun 23, 2005 19:12:34 GMT -5
Post by insaneklown5000 on Jun 23, 2005 19:12:34 GMT -5
a man walks into his doctors office and says i want to be castrated. the doctor spends an hour trying to talk him out of it but the man says no i never got it done when i was a kid and have decided to get castrated. after the surgery he is walking down the hall bo legged and passes a man doing the same. he turns to him and says you must have had the same surgery i had. the man replies yes after all these years i decided to get circumsized. the other man looks at him horrified and says ah f*ck thats the word.
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