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Post by Yossarian on Dec 5, 2004 13:34:57 GMT -5
;D
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 12:28:12 GMT -5
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 12:29:39 GMT -5
Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!
5% — No 3% — Yes 92% — Never Again
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 12:34:22 GMT -5
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy. Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 12:36:49 GMT -5
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
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Post by Yossarian on Dec 21, 2004 12:38:24 GMT -5
ha ha. now stop it with the bill clinton jokes.
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Post by LORDMORNINGSTAR on Dec 21, 2004 12:45:31 GMT -5
Thats some f*ck'n funny ass shit right ther! ;D *super man*LOL*asshole*LOL ;D
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Post by Yossarian on Dec 21, 2004 13:00:28 GMT -5
fire, have you really not heard that joke? it's been around since forever!
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Post by LORDMORNINGSTAR on Dec 21, 2004 18:01:40 GMT -5
I try my best to keep away from others yossarian, which is I admit hindering in certain areas but rather freeing in certain others...
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 19:17:36 GMT -5
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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Post by LORDMORNINGSTAR on Dec 21, 2004 19:20:21 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by carpenoctern on Dec 21, 2004 19:20:51 GMT -5
One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
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Druid
Crimson Soul
Crucify me, Cap'n!
Posts: 160
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Post by Druid on Dec 22, 2004 10:26:24 GMT -5
Here are a series of one short jokes that involve a mother and her child:
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garbage compactor?
Shut up and chew!
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Post by Yossarian on Dec 22, 2004 19:55:32 GMT -5
you got me laughing at this one, I'll give it to you. ummm, as for the rest, well................................... carpe, that "period joke" was some real good shit! ;D ;D ;D however, the one after that wasn't as good - nice try, though.
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Post by Yossarian on Dec 24, 2004 11:52:43 GMT -5
So, two guys were sitting in a bar, and one guy tried to start up a conversation with the other guy. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. "I'm a logician," responded the other guy. "A logician? What's that?" "Somebody who studies logic." "Logic? What's that?" "It's using practical reasoning to come to a conclusion. I'll give you an example. Do you own an aquarium?" "Yeah," said the first guy. "Therefore, you must like water, and fish." "Yeah." "Therefore, you must like the beach." "Yeah." "Therefore, you must like taking long, moonlit walks with your girlfriend along the beach. Right?" "Yeah..." "Therefore, you must be heterosexual. That's logic!" The first guy was dumbfounded, and after the logician left, he decided to try out his newfound discovery of logic on the next guy. "So," he asked, "Do you know what that guy does for a living? He's a logician." "What's a logician?" "Somebody who studies logic." "What's logic?" "It's using practical reasoning to come to a conclusion. I'll give you an example. Do you own an aquarium?" "No..." responded the second guy. "So you must be homosexual. That's logic!"
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