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Post by Bastet on Apr 18, 2014 11:36:27 GMT -5
- V.4 On the X- ray tiny bones fan out like ghostly vermicelli. The Last Supper is somehow less grand this way, though the poetic nuances are preserved in charismatic celluloid. ------------------------------------------------- V.3 On the X- ray tiny bones fan out like ghostly vermicelli. The Last Supper is somehow less grand this way, though the poetic nuances are preserved in charismatic celluloid. Reptiles are certainly ticklish. Their little forked tongues give the secret away, testing the air for obliging strokes. ------------------------------------------------- v2 On the X- ray tiny bones fan out like ghostly vermicelli.
I wonder if reptiles are ticklish?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- v1On the X- ray tiny bones fan out like ghostly vermicelli...I wonder if reptiles areticklish?
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Post by Aish on Apr 18, 2014 12:36:38 GMT -5
Are the ellipses necessary in L4? How about a period after vermicelli instead and consider moving L2 up alongside L1.
I like this. It's interesting and organic. Can you post a picture with it, or does the idea of an ekphrastic piece bug you?
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Post by markusmagellus on Apr 18, 2014 13:32:15 GMT -5
Hi, Parakeet. This is cute and different. It leaves me wanting a little more though. You jump straight from the x-ray image to tickleishness. Maybe there should be more substance between the image described and the question? Or maybe why that thought occurred to you?
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Post by Bastet on Apr 19, 2014 23:46:30 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the feedback! Aish, I took your suggestions. Markus, I will work on adding some more to this, I can relate to what you're saying.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 20, 2014 4:50:06 GMT -5
kinda left wondering if their bones stay crunchy in milk V2 i will say is nicer on the eye..short tidy write
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Post by nibbana on Apr 23, 2014 12:49:51 GMT -5
Tame ones do seem to enjoy being close and stroked. Different type of piece. I have enjoyed.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 23, 2014 18:19:03 GMT -5
Thank you Angel and Nibbana. Angel, why don't you try it and let me know?
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me
Crimson Soul
trying to land :_)
Posts: 122
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Corn Snake
Apr 26, 2014 19:50:36 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by me on Apr 26, 2014 19:50:36 GMT -5
smile reptile , you'll be here awhile , a snake awake yeah that's the style :_)
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Post by brownjenkin on Apr 27, 2014 11:41:21 GMT -5
On the X- ray tiny bones fan out like ghostly vermicelli. Great verse. The line breaks are perfectly placed, and the closing simile is splendid.
I wonder if reptiles are ticklish? Would this line be more potent if phrased as a statement rather than a question?
Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
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Post by atehequa on May 16, 2014 19:06:35 GMT -5
Great read. Having just seen a corn snake yesterday in my shop, I had to check this out.
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Post by Bastet on May 17, 2014 16:38:46 GMT -5
brownjenkin,thank you. I'm gonna work on this so I can take your suggestion and Markus' suggestion and see what I can do with them. Thanks atehequa
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Post by Veritas on May 25, 2014 19:03:15 GMT -5
Ancient creature, symbol of earth and wisdom... and here light hearted, a snapshot. - Lms
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Corn Snake
Oct 23, 2014 14:28:03 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Oct 23, 2014 14:28:03 GMT -5
Version 3 is up. I tried to incorporate all the wonderful advice given to me.
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Corn Snake
Oct 24, 2014 18:38:39 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by goldfinch on Oct 24, 2014 18:38:39 GMT -5
Really unique and wonderful piece of writing, Bastet.
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Post by nibbana on Oct 31, 2014 0:32:58 GMT -5
These additions are very pleasing, Bastet. I love this piece.
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