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Post by twistedangel on Jul 23, 2013 0:37:40 GMT -5
Information, overloaded Lost in wonder In the chaos, head exploded Think am going under Rebooted, relighted I download thunder Or deceived in textploytation Calling to murder Real to reel, imagination A web raid blunder Expanded sensory sensation Forward to sender A cybernetic violation I filed the reminder With Trojans, infested Addicted to cyber Virally, injected Streaming hyper Gigabyte wasted My horizons wider All that was....DELETED
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Post by windfog on Jul 23, 2013 2:46:40 GMT -5
Wow! The real surrealism! Very strong and powerful piece. You use images of our life and you do it perfectly! Great! W.F.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 23, 2013 4:37:25 GMT -5
Two halves of the whole, two answers to the same question, two ends of the same thought, first step on a new path or the last of the journey? A vivid expression of painful confusion. Well done.
Hugs
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Post by twistedangel on Jul 23, 2013 10:30:10 GMT -5
cheers ..TBH i dont really like the 2 colour thing but on another site that shall remain nameless most readers didnt get the 2 halves within the poem thing i tried ..so i kinda cheated here an made sure they stood out
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 23, 2013 12:41:56 GMT -5
I would have seen it but I don’t think many would. You blurred the lines a bit by referring to the cyber world on both sides, used “murder” in L8, “blunder” in L10, and you begin and end with the negative side. It’s a small thing that actually adds to the confusion aspect but it may confuse the reader too. The color difference should help though. Most of the red lines weigh more heavily to the negative side but L5, L9, and L11 aren’t necessarily negative. I get it, it’s not about the positive and the negative, but it requires a lot of thought from the reader to differentiate the halves. More separation of positive and negative aspects would make it easier to see. That said, the only thing I suggest you change is beginning with one side and ending with the other, add one more yellow line. Preferably at the beginning. The ending is really good as it is. And you say you’re not clever.
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