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Post by xxraychellexx on Jul 2, 2013 1:12:20 GMT -5
You showed me love, I'm giving you hate. Something you had, To underestimate.
Underestimate my anger, Tried to cover with your love, But its only me, My heart and soul from above.
Above comprehension, Not from heaven, Straight from Hell, And the fallen seven.
The fallen seven, As I call them myself, Listen to their names, They are packed on the shelf.
Desire is selfish, And selfish is two, And the third is hate, That's only a few.
Sin, as they say, Then there's cold blooded murder, And then theirs destruction, Now go one line further.
The seventh is love. Love is tragic. It ends with the fallen, Turns into dark magic.
And as you sit here, I'll explain my rage, Read a bit further, See the blood on the page.
You NEVER believe me, Even when I show scars, Of my trying to draw, My cold iron bars!
And now I will leave you, Hateful and mad. Ungreatful for all, That I never had.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 2, 2013 16:48:19 GMT -5
Hi xxraychellexx and welcome to Dark Star. Please take a look at our posting rules and guidelines here; Posting guidelines - darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/inde....lay&thread=7387Critique guidelines - darkstarpoetry.proboards.com/inde....lay&thread=8521The three to one rule applies to the threads under the “Poetry” heading of our home page only. We have many areas where the rule doesn’t apply. Take your time and get to know your way around. It can be confusing at first but feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Just click on “LonelyForsaken” over my avatar on the left and then click on “Personal Message.” We know that giving critique is difficult at first and we relax the rules a bit when you’re new but we do expect some effort. Please don’t worry too much over it. We know it is difficult. Take a look around, get to know some of us, and reading the replies will help you get an idea of the kind of critique we hope to receive. Mine, and some others, can be rather extensive but don’t let that scare you. We don’t expect you to start with a bang. LOL Now that the form letter welcome is out of the way… Welcome! I Really Love this. “You NEVER believe me, Even when I show scars, Of my trying to draw, My cold iron bars!” – You could have ripped this from the heart of a woman that is no longer with us but I still love very much to this day. I like the format you have chosen for this too. I think you try too hard to rhyme but your delivery is good. Especially if you are a beginner. My rhyming was far worse than this, believe me. :-) Rally, look around and hang out. I think you’ll like it here a lot. The comments will help you improve your writing skills and give you ideas to play with. There is a lot of really good poetry like this (your poem) here too and I’m sure you will enjoy reading it. It can think of a few ways to improve this as poetry but I like it too much to open this relationship with technical stuff and your delivery is good enough to “ See the blood on the page.(Nice)” That is most important in poetry. Imagery that invokes feeling is best and this could use more imagery but I do feel this. I look forward to reading more of your work, Thanks for sharing. LF
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Post by windfog on Jul 19, 2013 2:02:12 GMT -5
Hi! Welcome to DS! Wonderful work! Thanks for sharing! W.F.
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jaded
Dark Initiate
Posts: 43
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Post by jaded on Sept 21, 2013 21:33:21 GMT -5
I really enjoyed reading this and I personally loved the rhyme in it. I hope to read more from you and lonelyforsaken is right, there is a lot of critique at this site which is wonderful. Its helped open my eyes to nee things and ways of inprovement I've never gotten at any other poetry site. Hope u keep writing and welcome.
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Post by Veritas on Sept 26, 2013 20:34:29 GMT -5
When first I saw mention of the seven I thought of the seven deadly or mortal sins then I was quite interested that my logical side was wrong... I wonder if your explaining to the reader or telling us a story... .
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