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Jun 18, 2013 17:49:11 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 18, 2013 17:49:11 GMT -5
Listen (v.2) I struggle to live not for material gain or more pain Not to see another fall or justice rise
I listen to life and love To hear the sun rise and night fall LonelyForsakenListen I struggle to live, not a year, a month, weak, another day. Not for material gain or more things. Not to see another fall or justice rise. To listen to life and love. To hear the sun rise and night fall.
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Jun 18, 2013 22:32:43 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 18, 2013 22:32:43 GMT -5
I think this is your best piece. The scaled back format is perfect. It comes across as raw and honest. The final strophe is beautiful. The penultimate and final lines - all I can say is "Exactly".
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Jun 18, 2013 22:43:13 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 18, 2013 22:43:13 GMT -5
A swift clean up: S1 L4 weak = week S2 L3 - "Nor" is only used in conjunction with "Neither". To use "But" as the beginning of the final strophe you should end the penultimate strophe with a comma. All minor, just fyi.
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Jun 19, 2013 0:18:55 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 19, 2013 0:18:55 GMT -5
Thanks Aish I just wrote it and posted. Didn’t think or examine it in any way. It is from my soul.
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Jun 20, 2013 11:55:06 GMT -5
Post by windfog on Jun 20, 2013 11:55:06 GMT -5
It's beautiful Just beautiful poem! W.F.
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Jun 20, 2013 21:59:40 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 20, 2013 21:59:40 GMT -5
Thanks Ris It is isn’t it? As I said earlier I didn’t even examine this before posting. I wrote it here first and then made a Word document. The reverse of my usual process. Since my reply to Aish I have examined it twice and made some small changes. Odd that I can examine it with objectivity.
Aish – My soul took your poem. “To Feed A Muse” to heart. The very next time I logged in she spit this out. I myself have had no inspiration of any kind for some time. Even if I haven’t posted in awhile I always have recently written word documents in my poetry fold but lately, nothing. You touched her with that one. Thanks. :-)
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Jun 21, 2013 11:45:11 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Jun 21, 2013 11:45:11 GMT -5
IMO the word weak..instead of week adds somthing to the poem (kk wos probly a typo) but think of it this way..'week'..well thats just another bunch of days so the first stanza TBH reads like just a list of days how about .. I struggle to live, not a year, a month, weak, another day. it gives the reader somthing 'more' to think about an a edge ? think the last stanza is really good tho
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Jun 21, 2013 12:32:51 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 21, 2013 12:32:51 GMT -5
Hmmmmm. I like your idea. I won’t change the last stanza, it’s perfect, but the opening is a bit weak. LOL I’ll give it some thought. I could simply state, “I struggle to live another day.†And then work in strength and weakness or something like that. Thanks Angel
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Jun 22, 2013 13:29:51 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 22, 2013 13:29:51 GMT -5
I changed the opening a lot. The rhyming is unintentional and I’m not sure it works at all with the start of the second stanza.
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More chnges.
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Jun 23, 2013 13:29:04 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 23, 2013 13:29:04 GMT -5
You over thought it, my friend. Take it back to the original organic post. Angel has a valid point. Use weak, in the capacity it was originally penned.
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Jun 23, 2013 23:49:01 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 23, 2013 23:49:01 GMT -5
Over thinking - I was afraid of that. Can’t write when I’m stoned anymore, such a lightweight. I just read it and, what was I thinking? S1 and S2 don’t mesh in any way. I deleted two words but other than that it is back to the original. :-)
I thank you all, always.
Hey, I just noticed that the words I deleted match Angel’s suggestion precisely. Great minds think alike eh? Hmmm. Not sure that is alltogether good for you my friend. LOL
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Jun 24, 2013 13:09:40 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Jun 24, 2013 13:09:40 GMT -5
the problem wen writing stoned is 1st you come up with the most insightful bestest brilliant poem in the world...then forget it..then have to walk to the nearest 24/7 4 miles away to buy 20 snickers bars 5 packs of crisps (chips)
is not easy being a stoner....who said that !!!
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Jun 24, 2013 14:26:42 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 24, 2013 14:26:42 GMT -5
LMAO! The trick is to plan ahead (I know. Always thinking too much). Have your snacks in hand before lighting up. :-) But you meet the most interesting people walking to the 7/11 after midnight. :-) But most run away when they see me coming in the dark. Sigh!
“is not easy being a stoner....who said that !!!” – LOL No, it isn’t. Just try to get a job. Everyone drug tests now in this conform or die country. The home of the free and the land of the brave has become the home of the intimidated and the land of the incarcerated. :-(
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Jun 24, 2013 15:34:29 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Jun 24, 2013 15:34:29 GMT -5
any stoner who plans ahead is not a stoner
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Jun 24, 2013 19:10:58 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 24, 2013 19:10:58 GMT -5
Hmmm. I guess that must be true. I’ve never been called a stoner.
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