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Post by twistedangel on May 26, 2013 3:53:13 GMT -5
Copper spills in me mouth I smile with a split lip grin Insulting Addin to his chagrin "Is that all you got stupid drunk f**k" Not said, but with a look Out of breath he coughs an spits eyes narrowed slits Am waiting pinned in a corner nowhere to go Relax Try an let me body flow as in comes another blow Head left steer ride it out Ringing pain in me right ear The 1 in me tummy a suprise Tears now prick backs of me eyes He'll never see them He dont deserve them Winded he walks (no stumbles) away Wot the f**k is ther to say just another drink fuelled tragedy never did know wot i done so badly probly exist sadly Thanks daddy
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Post by windfog on May 26, 2013 5:36:46 GMT -5
Wow! W.F.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 27, 2013 15:51:03 GMT -5
Tragedy indeed. There are wounds that only a parent can inflict and they run deeper. I can think of no other worse than when the icon of protector becomes the assailant in a young girls eyes. It is tragic that any asshole can be a father or mother. *hugs*
“Wot the f**k is ther to say†– This is a huge part of the tragedy. There is nothing HE can say. He said too much with his fists already and forfeits the right to speak apologies. But this leads you to self doubt; “never did now wot i done so badly probly exist sadly†It’s complicated but what you need to remember is that you did nothing wrong, but be a target, and he made you a target, not you. Shit roles downhill too often and his role was to protect you from all that. It’s not your fault he wasn’t up to the task.
I love your opening. There is a bit of awkwardness in the last line though. What do you think of; ‘Copper spills in me mouth I smile with a split lip grin Insulting Addin to his chagrin with a look - "Is that all you got stupid drunk f**k"’
in the third to last line “now†should be “know.â€
There are other suggestions I could make to make this easier to read but I like the raw aspect in this too much. It fits.
Thanks for sharing. I know it wasn’t easy but I know it needed to be said too. Hugs!
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Post by siksimon on Jun 6, 2013 16:47:59 GMT -5
i never posted on this because it played me a song like a violin. Reminds me of my grandpappy who was a child producing kinda guy, anyways yes its dark and lovely and sent me into a slight depression lol. Powerful piece, my opinion: TwistedAngel is the best artist here.
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Post by siksimon on Jun 6, 2013 16:50:51 GMT -5
whats with the symbols are we a secret sharing group no?
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Post by twistedangel on Jun 8, 2013 0:29:21 GMT -5
ok so have had a try at fixin the awkwardness..hope it works ..oh an fixed the now/know typo LMAO @ "child producing kinda guy" i guess is always a danger writing somthing like this an trying to avoid the 'violin' so TBH if i wos a good artist i would be able to do that LOL ..but thanks for comment
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Post by Veritas on Sept 7, 2013 22:06:26 GMT -5
You paint the demon by painting yourself.... its interesting the wsy you use theword "me" instead of I... reminds me of Olde english
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nyxie
Dark Initiate
The words you say are dead until you bring their meaning to life...
Posts: 3
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Post by nyxie on Sept 7, 2013 22:27:38 GMT -5
Wow! Such description! Such mastery in the art of poetry and beautiful macabre! I love it!
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