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Kindred
May 14, 2013 22:50:41 GMT -5
Post by Aish on May 14, 2013 22:50:41 GMT -5
Before my bones were strung up like kinetic sculpture I began tracing his eclipse,
a static radio frequency in the thrum throttle thrall of the great dance.
Like an owl with a rodent he had swallowed himself whole,
spitting out tiny skeletons
each finding unique time signatures of their own,
adding dervish beats
harnessed to the guile of the moon.
They bend now and again
to plant spirals of teeth in the damp soil of decay.
I watch in fascination as they grow little green shoots with tiny transmitters, already humming with energy
fueling the concentric circles of relativity.
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Kindred
May 15, 2013 2:18:05 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 15, 2013 2:18:05 GMT -5
As always, love your imagery. Awesome opening. Quite captivating on many levels. Your relationships are intriguing. I love the pulsar and owl combination and the alchemical reference to; "to plant spirals of teeth in the damp soil of fertile decay." is subtly enchanting.
I especially love "guile of the moon" but want to delete "the" from that line for two reasons; there are many moons in this system alone and the repetition so soon after "the guile" is... too singular, restrictive, or pinpointing.
S2, L2 - I stumbled over its rhythmic insertion and don't think it is necessary. The word pulsar itself implies both radio and frequency. L19 - thier should be their.
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed this immensely.
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Kindred
May 15, 2013 22:26:10 GMT -5
Post by windfog on May 15, 2013 22:26:10 GMT -5
Great piece! W.F.
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Kindred
May 22, 2013 17:39:31 GMT -5
Post by Aish on May 22, 2013 17:39:31 GMT -5
Hey there, LF.
Yes, moons are plentiful, but what moon has any pull here besides the one generally referred to as "the moon"? Any type of modifier such as 'our', or 'mother' would not fit the style of the piece.
Static pulsar and radio frequency are two seperate reference points. A pulsar is a neutron star giving off electromagnetic radiation, so the intention is to evoke a visual hallmark, a celestial light house if you will, with the definition of static being stationary. It's a beacon in a different order as the radio frequency. Radio waves have a completely different nature. I can see where the rhythm should be worked on in that strophe, but to my way of thinking the two lines are not redundant. I also feel the radio waves are a necessary foundation for later elements to work - the tiny transmitters would make no sense.
I shall fix the typo post haste. Thank you for the great feedback. I will amend the rhythm if I can.
Note: Coming back in to say I'm pairing down that strophe by removing pulsar. I'm also removing 'fertile' from in front of decay.
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Post by Bastet on Nov 2, 2013 2:09:23 GMT -5
S3-S7 is very long winded. Maybe you should end a thought in between?
Your imagery is superb. It's WILD, and I was picturing little skeletons dancing in a garden with an
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Post by Bastet on Nov 2, 2013 2:19:54 GMT -5
* handfuls of teeth. This would make one hell of a painting. I'm not sure I get it, but I don't really care, either. It's beautiful in an offbeat way. Amazing opening strophe.
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Kindred
Nov 6, 2013 17:53:53 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Nov 6, 2013 17:53:53 GMT -5
Thank you, parakeet. It's my Casey tribute, and one of my favourite pieces. :-)
I agree about that long winded bit. I'll see what I can do. When my mom read it she said I should paint it, too, lol.
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Post by lightbaron on Nov 7, 2013 6:56:06 GMT -5
oh the science and the dance, the art in the science of the dance.... I am a sucker for the metaphysical language, and am also extremely critical of it...stays in the realm of rhetoric far too often. unless the author is enchanted by their own language, and with you I am almost always convinced. You are the type of artist that can feed an artist with specific dietary needs- and I am one such, so thank you. No specific notes on this write, as I feel too connected to it, any notes would be on the lines that get blurred between personal lives, friendly competitions, and friendship based on creative romance...all of which makes a poetry too beautiful to ruin with words
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Post by Aish on Nov 9, 2013 2:27:56 GMT -5
*HUGS* You're the best, Casey El Bee
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