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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2013 1:10:33 GMT -5
Encamp the trench
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2013 23:06:33 GMT -5
This is a bit difficult to comment on for a few reasons.
I love the dark sexual undertones and each line in itself has substantial meaning, some even profound, but it is difficult to connect more than two lines to each other. This makes it difficult to follow and understand the story but despite that, or maybe even because of that, I like it. It’s thought provoking and even emotional in places. I really love the first strophe. It really grabs the reader’s attention and it can stand alone. That is not to say the others aren’t just as good, it’s just that I am a huge fan of cunalingas. It seems to have a lot of personal meaning and because of that I think you could pair it down a bit and appeal more to the reader. However, I’m actually not suggesting you do that because I like the way it is so removed from reader consideration. The personal appeal has a punch of its own. That is damned hard to do. If I were to suggest any change it would be to remove some of the small meaningless words that make this a bit wordy but that may just be me. I know I have been harping on this a lot lately but capitalization is inconsistent. Maybe it’s a peeve of mine but it really messes up the flow for me. I actually hesitate to even mention it in this piece though. Flow seems the least important aspect of this write. I’ve read it several times and each time with a different cadence but it doesn’t seem to matter.
Nice work Flow and thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 3:08:20 GMT -5
Thank you very much for your time reading my poem and giving feedback. I appreciate your advice and want to just say that though I wanted to take from the reader their perception of story so I could tell a tale my way. Over time Ive come to learn that breaking the rules are a bit hard but I am focused on the way every reader interprets how a story is told. I use undeniable wisdom, common, strange, familiar, unfamiliar, and wicked dreams to capture and send the mind into dark glee!! I like to us rhyme as a tool to keep readers amused and reading till the end, but I wanted to take a new approach to the flow and take the "cadence" out of the game. I really am starting to put a lot more effort and thought into the work that I post here so that feeling of evil satisfaction is sated every time someone reads a Flowalpha Poem. Thank you again I hope you enjoy my new poems.
Flow
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