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Omkara
Jan 30, 2013 15:38:49 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jan 30, 2013 15:38:49 GMT -5
Concomitant the third eye opens blinks and swallows the light
ignites the liquid flame intones the sacred hum
alive she unlocks static hips flinging the fourth age open as the stars in my crown revolve
head back eyes incandescent dancing my soles shooting lightening bolts
I AM
f*cking beautiful on acid our universal heart drums
am ber jyo ti
veins seething lips breathing lipids the release...
Adi celebrates in darkness
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Omkara
Jan 30, 2013 22:54:52 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 30, 2013 22:54:52 GMT -5
Your imagery is always superb but I have noticed a real flair for cosmic chaotic/violent beauty. Just a few suggestions :-) Remove L1. It sounds wrong and is redundant. Move S9 up between S1 and S2, S8 needs to go between S4 and S5, and I really want this to end like this; “I AM
f*cking beautiful our universal heart drums
am ber jyo ti”
I love this and feel it makes a great ending. I also feel that it changes the flow so that it more steadily builds the crescendo and finishes at maximum climax. A rising feeling with slight sexual and/or birthing undertones. *Push push push!* I removed “on acid” because it seems to imply that you are only beautiful on acid. I think I see why you put it there but I don’t think you need it. The image is already a fantastic trip. I’m reminded of the movie Fantasia. Moving “drums” down like this really reinforces the drums/rhythm aspect of “am ber jyo ti” “soles shooting lightening bolts” I think you mean lightning. Nice title too. I’m not sure it is the perfect title but it really sets the reader’s mind into an eastern philosophies mode. Awesome read Aish. A real pleasure.
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Omkara
Jan 31, 2013 1:54:25 GMT -5
Post by windfog on Jan 31, 2013 1:54:25 GMT -5
Blin! (A Russian idiom, Ha-ha!) Looks like I read this piece in very different way ... I like it completely! And I have no any critics. W.F.
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Omkara
Jan 31, 2013 14:07:23 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 31, 2013 14:07:23 GMT -5
You know, I think I may have overlooked the darker aspects of this work. If so then most of my suggestions change this write too much in the other direction. Right now I seem to be looking into darkness and seeing only the beauty of it.
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Omkara
Sept 12, 2013 2:22:35 GMT -5
Post by Nibbana on Sept 12, 2013 2:22:35 GMT -5
"A di C elebrates I n D arkness"
Adi Parashakti. Amberjyoti. Powerful. Tumescent. Pure. Namaste.
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