|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 4, 2012 1:03:42 GMT -5
Early Bird
I dreamt I was a bird an early bird who grew fat on worms
Waking I am a worm A smart worm who goes to bed before the bird awakens
LonelyForsaken
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Nov 4, 2012 18:15:42 GMT -5
Early Bird I dreamt I was a bird an early bird who grew fat on worms Waking Try 'Upon waking.I am a worm A smart worm [ b]The 'worm' repetition is detracting from the piece. I suggest either striking the line, or modifying to 'a smart one;. I am favoring striking the line, personally.[/b][/color] who goes to bed before the bird awakens Awake and awakens appear very close together. Perhaps a synonym choice would be better? LonelyForsaken[/quote] Are you taking lessons from Ris?
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 4, 2012 18:47:35 GMT -5
Yes LMAO!!!! I sent a PM explaining this one. I should have done it sooner.
|
|