|
Laya
Nov 3, 2012 12:27:14 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Nov 3, 2012 12:27:14 GMT -5
the weight of your shadow is opiately soft an unplanned breath reclining in fusion
my bliss sheath you smelled of the universe and spoke in tongues implanting tiny thorns silently desecrating our fine moonlight skin
like water dripping from sunlight your dazzling spikes of ether etched sins into our bones pheromones eclipsing an ancient hunger
I greeted you in manic devotion and pulsar bursts
tended our private lust garden of sacred motion
wrote poetry on the tide
because on the Day of Pentecost you were my God enthroned phallus dripping honey under a spell that had the sound of my soul
and in our numinous vessels divine light married sky light dreaming of a divine sky
so now in the madness of it all as the adagio dies down
every day becomes a reminder of the primal source
sentenced you will awaken in the east the amber dawn rising flawless in your treachery
but the soulmother jeweled sorceress the goddess who is the body of your salvation
will not bleed for you
|
|
|
Laya
Nov 5, 2012 9:24:28 GMT -5
Post by windfog on Nov 5, 2012 9:24:28 GMT -5
Hello, lady! Fabulous metaphors you used here! And I felt the real melancholia when I read this your work. "the weight of of your shadow" - this line is like a door to another world, world of imagination! WF.
|
|
|
Laya
Nov 5, 2012 21:18:38 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 5, 2012 21:18:38 GMT -5
This has the feel of letting go of a broken promise. A promise held so deep in your bones that when broken the bearer is unworthy of even a word of rebuke.
I could go on about your imagery and wording but it would just be pointing out the obvious and repeating myself :-)
Hugs
|
|
|
Laya
Nov 18, 2012 22:05:17 GMT -5
Post by shamefulsean on Nov 18, 2012 22:05:17 GMT -5
An unplannes breath recling in fusion" ^holy shit, my heart stops here and, is broken open.
second stanza, last two lines, I dont like you making a statement here.
"wrote poetry on the tide" ^ this imagery is stupendous.!
I would have married stanza 7&8 together instead of separating them
Stanza 11 I would change flawless to flawlessly it just seems to flow better
S4 to S6 has a great rhythm, just excellent vision into your inner monlogue.
This piece overall is dripping in beauty, I dont particularly know if I like the display of it, your style is always so short and sweet, one day I would really like to see some lengthy piece from you, just to breath in your essence alittle longer for once.
Good choice of font color and overall presentation, if you dont know already; I have a sweet spot for centered poetry.
Awesome piece, with so much unanticipated strength at the end.
Thanks for the read Aish
Shame
|
|
mick
Dark Initiate
Posts: 18
|
Laya
Dec 1, 2012 23:36:23 GMT -5
Post by mick on Dec 1, 2012 23:36:23 GMT -5
Sorry honey. Don't like it. Mechanical. U always flow like dead corn. Lexington, kc & before. Find it. Always in u.
|
|
|
Laya
Oct 23, 2014 13:47:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Oct 23, 2014 13:47:13 GMT -5
I saw the word sky too many times in S8. Other than that little nit, I think it's devastatingly beautiful. This and SINUOUS are markedly different than what you've written recently. It's an interesting contrast.
|
|