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Post by Aish on Sept 16, 2012 22:49:42 GMT -5
Hypnotic
your tongue slips and skips,
like the navel of the sea
salmonswimming upstream as it scribes liquid aums
in the magnetized silk of my vagina - before you crucify me,
nailing my palms
to undulant dissolution
galaxies pouring from my mouth.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 17, 2012 19:28:44 GMT -5
Captivating passion. You could have ended at “undulant dissolution.” Wow! I would remove “of” from L3. Did you mean to make “salmonswimming” one word? It seems intentional.
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Post by Aish on Sept 19, 2012 10:22:07 GMT -5
Yes, 'salmonswimming' is intentional Why is of bugging you in S3? I am expressing a complete image "the navel of the sea" (bellybutton of the sea just doesn't work), not two distinct images "the navel/the sea".
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 19, 2012 21:22:42 GMT -5
I just feel it frees the readers imagination a bit but mostly I think it is because of the Starkissed tuna commercials. “…of the sea” makes me think of "chicken of the sea." Bellybutton - LMAO!
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Post by atomicparakeet on Nov 4, 2012 18:34:22 GMT -5
Hypnotic-- great title that also serves as a sort of first line. I sort of connected this with magnetized later. We have a sense of the lulling of the will, the lowering of inhibitions.
like the navel of the sea--probably misinterpreting but I'm seeing this as purely physical and sensual. I get an eastern feel to it all and a sea has a sense of a life spring. I'm free associating now.
your tongue slips and skips,
salmonswimming--love this. It really adds to the slips and skips image. It makes the tounge like something that has its own volition. upstream as it scribes liquid aums--upstream is a good directional word in establishing the act taking place. The scribing of liquid aums...eastern, religious, act of worship, overlaying the specific act taking place. Like upstream it describes a particular motion and rhythm.
in the magnetized silk of my vagina ---magnetized silk is evocative as hell, and I like that you didn't layer the image but got direct. before you crucify me,-an interesting way to imply being nailed.
nailing my palms--because of that colloquial attachment to crucify you may not need this line to undulant dissolution
galaxies pouring from my mouth.--stunning last lines
HOT HOT HOT, AISH!!!!!!
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Post by windfog on Nov 5, 2012 9:36:47 GMT -5
WOW! WF.
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Post by Aish on Nov 5, 2012 22:05:04 GMT -5
Atomic, excellent feedback. I rearranged it a bit, but have yet to strike that line.
Ris, thank you for the enthusiasm.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Nov 12, 2012 0:02:47 GMT -5
I also heard "chicken of the sea", which turned me off of your vagina. Too bad!
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Post by shamefulsean on Nov 12, 2012 16:00:23 GMT -5
Yea, chicken of the sea and turned off your vagina, were the literal two reason I cam to look at this piece. In all truth I was a little disappointed, although I am uncertain as to what I was expecting. I was not expecting a good piece of poetry LOL. Anyhow, really don't like the title, I feel as though it makes the whole desire of this piece tacky. It could use a revamp in my opinion. As for the body of work; it seems as though everyone has hit most stanzas pintpointing awesome things like, "navel of the sea" and "salmonswimming" (I love that btw)
There is one thing, undulant dissolution, I didnt like this at first until I ready it a few times. I think you are trying to speak volumes of the situation and its results....LITERALY speaks volumes-- and it makes everything stand out like copper in the water.
Thanks for the read.
SHame
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Post by Aish on Nov 14, 2012 11:08:31 GMT -5
Well hell, that's two readers turned off by the same strophe and one loud vote against the title. The title is an easier fix than the strophe, but I will work on it.
Thank you everyone.
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Post by shamefulsean on Nov 15, 2012 10:54:01 GMT -5
Awesome Title.
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Post by Aish on Jan 29, 2013 16:16:46 GMT -5
My thanks, Shame.
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Post by nibbana on Oct 31, 2014 0:02:33 GMT -5
I think I need a shower now. Whew.
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Post by Aish on Nov 2, 2014 12:39:22 GMT -5
I hope it's delectably evil
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