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Post by mkckjclub on Jul 27, 2012 20:34:13 GMT -5
Gasoline flow’s the street, As animosity and I stomp aimlessly. I wanted you to understand, But my words went out your ears. Where are you going? My flames are still surrounding you. Maybe this isn’t meant to be, But for some reason I can’t let you go. If I burn, you burn. Then you’ll know where I’m coming from. You’re right. Maybe this did exploit the other half of me. But you started the fire. And now it’s after me. Sirens are getting closer, But animosity blocks its path. These blue flames will lead us to a better place.
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Post by Aish on Aug 2, 2012 14:22:55 GMT -5
S11 and S12 are erroneous and detract from your vibe.
I don't think you need S14. S15 remove 'but'. S16 remove 'and'.Penultimate line you don't need 'but'. Final line I would split in two, after 'flames'.
Not a bad read. I think we can all empathize with the catalyst emotion.
L1 - flow's means 'flow is' so that doesn't work. You also need something like 'through' or 'down' after flows. The comma isn't necessary, it breaks the phrase up wrong.
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Post by Bastet on Jul 14, 2014 1:11:36 GMT -5
I'm gonna agree with what Aish said, but add that I really like the piece overall and hope you come back and tweak it a bit.
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Post by mee on Jul 16, 2014 6:58:46 GMT -5
fire bugs mate , light it and get off to leave it burnin however much it eats up , some come back to see whats still warm , some are just off starting fires wherever the fuel waits , well said :_)
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