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Trinity
Jun 19, 2012 19:03:38 GMT -5
Post by deranged85 on Jun 19, 2012 19:03:38 GMT -5
Trinity
Someday I will memorize your curves, see your fluid movements when I close my eyes. Lay by your side and feel the heat that radiates from the smooth stones that surround you. You flow through every dream- better days, forgotten friendships. You are river rock striation, the innocence before damnation, and all lost things that time refuses to return.
It has been a really long time since I have written anything... first little poem in a few years. I have gone back and read some of my old stuff, and this is so simple compared to all of that... Hopefully I will be on here more, and get back into writing!
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Trinity
Jun 20, 2012 12:16:51 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 20, 2012 12:16:51 GMT -5
A good opening and I love the last two lines. The part about the stones seems a bit bland in comparison but I like the warm smooth curves aspect. Why do the stones surround? always good to read you. :-)
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Trinity
Jun 20, 2012 19:09:27 GMT -5
Post by deranged85 on Jun 20, 2012 19:09:27 GMT -5
It's about the Trinity River, where I spend most of my summers as a kid. (Thus the surrounding stones.) I drove along Highway 299 recently, which for a while runs right along the river. The first four lines popped into my head. It's been a long time since I've spent any time near the river. It used to be alive to me... It was like seeing a photo of an old friend.
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Trinity
Jun 21, 2012 19:59:46 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 21, 2012 19:59:46 GMT -5
Oh, a river. I should have seen that. :-)
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Trinity
Jun 21, 2012 22:56:19 GMT -5
Post by deranged85 on Jun 21, 2012 22:56:19 GMT -5
Lol. I'm actually kind of glad you didn't get it right away! That's what I was going for....
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Trinity
Jun 24, 2012 11:22:31 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 24, 2012 11:22:31 GMT -5
I love your opening. You did a good job personifying the river. This is really lovely, I'm happy you shared it with us.
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Trinity
Jun 26, 2012 14:52:59 GMT -5
Post by shamefulsean on Jun 26, 2012 14:52:59 GMT -5
well done personification, I did believe it was about a person till I read the comments.
*You flow through every dream- better days* this really catches me, well done
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mic2
Crimson Soul
Posts: 174
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Trinity
Jul 30, 2012 21:31:03 GMT -5
Post by mic2 on Jul 30, 2012 21:31:03 GMT -5
I think there is a lot to like here, but for me the title isn't one of them. Come up with something more warm, unusual.
I almost wish this "Someday I will memorize your curves," was this "I have memorized your curves,"
it's more assertive. More 'now'. In the moment.
This is real nice too, it's real organic-- "that radiates from the smooth stones that surround you."
Thanks, Mike
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Trinity
Aug 13, 2012 19:27:40 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on Aug 13, 2012 19:27:40 GMT -5
it is beautiful
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