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Post by fukncrazy on Mar 30, 2012 7:01:59 GMT -5
being held down by some one twise my size while the blood keeps dripping from bolth my eyes ill tell you right now what im going to do im about to snap and beat the sh!t out of you up to this point ive been pretty calm my blood starts pumping and i hear my song a little more anger and you cant go wrong the voice in my head tells me im alright then it starts to shout its time to fight i ball up my fists and i start with my right pleas comment thank you
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Post by atomicparakeet on Apr 2, 2012 1:23:14 GMT -5
Welcome to our little corner of darkness.
To be honest, rhyme detracts from a serious message. This kind of reminds me of lyrics, was that intentional? It might be more effective that way. As a reader, I don't get an impact from your words. It's more like an angry journal rant with rhyme.
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Post by mkckjclub on Apr 7, 2012 15:54:54 GMT -5
I think u should redo the poem. Don't make it rhyme and just write. then edit it to make it sound flowy. This is good but it sounds amateur
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Post by zanaram on Mar 15, 2013 22:33:09 GMT -5
This poem was alright. But to be honest, It felt like it could have been longer and the second half of it might have gone a little better if you went with a a,b,a,b style instead of the a,a,a. But don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad poem.
Keep it up!
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