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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 27, 2011 17:58:12 GMT -5
The Child Within
I voyage the stars my course the whims of a child. I’m a bird on lofty breeze and a tree as I great the dawn.
As a father who picks up his son or a mother in labor of birth. I live moments not my own and venture into dark caves.
I am the knight who wins his love and the damsel rescued from a dragon, the water rushing to the sea and a stone at the bottom of a stream.
A wolf howls in the night and I’m a rabbit on the run. I’m a bear ranging the trackless snow, the scent of man on the wind.
The priestess who advises a wise man and the king burdened with care. I am an angel enfolding my lover with wings and the man who is all she ever wants.
I am a child who dares imagine and a man who dares not believe.
LonelyForsaken
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Post by Veritas on Nov 27, 2011 18:41:08 GMT -5
The repetition is killing me, the ending negates the tittle... doesn't it?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 27, 2011 22:54:19 GMT -5
Hmmmmm, I didn’t even consider the repetition thing. Not thinking much lately. Nice for a change. :-) The ending – I was hoping to give this the feel of a man who still has his childhood imagination.
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Post by Veritas on Nov 29, 2011 17:27:11 GMT -5
but it ends with " none of these am I", it is stirring what you have, the ending somehow seems to cancel out the very point you have made in the piece, perhaps "I am all of these"?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 29, 2011 21:39:52 GMT -5
Hmmmm! You’re probably right. I haven’t had much time to give it any thought but I had hoped it would denote an active imagination by making it apparent that I’m not and never have actually been or lived any of these things. Reading it now I see that one of my changes was to add the word “imagination” in the first line of the last strophe. I had intended to avoid using the word actually. I will give this and your suggestion some consideration when I can. Thanks my friend.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 1, 2011 2:08:23 GMT -5
What do you think?
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Post by Veritas on Dec 8, 2011 1:37:10 GMT -5
That's the ticket LF the ending is resounding!
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Post by Aish on Dec 8, 2011 1:49:52 GMT -5
*claps*
Adore the ending!!!! You did a really good job, LF!
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 9, 2011 18:02:53 GMT -5
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