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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2011 13:54:40 GMT -5
My head explodes no knowledge escaped a gory mess on their faces because they spread hate. No surprise they saw it coming, but my once throbbing heart stabbed every f*cking day, and they watched me bleed, yet they were oblivious to my pain.
Suffering fire an eternity of torture, and It's all in vain. They wanted me here, because I didn't want to see their artificial "light' . They couldn't fool me I knew it wasn't right.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 7, 2011 18:56:11 GMT -5
Remove “just” from L4 I think. I think “seen” should be “saw” in L6. In L10, should “the pain” be “my pain?” L13 - “torcher” should be “torture.”
It is a very clear expression of the suffering of youth. Our hmmm… "guardians" often refuse to see or even try to understand us. They wish you to take their word that it should be their way without question and everyone suffers for it. It is hateful – forcing ideas on another without explanation or understanding. Often without even the attempt. Sinful! There is more in here but I will leave it alone.
Very expressive. Thanks for sharing my young friend.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2011 20:52:04 GMT -5
It has nothing to do with parents, or guardians.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 8, 2011 23:05:20 GMT -5
I’ve been misreading you a lot lately. It fits many scenarios I know this way and my niece.
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Post by Veritas on Oct 9, 2011 12:30:15 GMT -5
One thing, we here at DS can't be offended, well pretty much anything. So never feel you have to amend anything you write, we do not subscribe to censorship, all be it pro boards won't allow profanity. It sounds like a hate crime, race persecution. good stuff, aside from Lf's spelling corrections & suggestions I've nothing to add.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2011 20:53:41 GMT -5
The last few lines are
because I didn't want to see their artificial "light' . They couldn't fool me I knew it wasn't right.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 16, 2011 0:51:51 GMT -5
There is nothing offensive in there and we welcome your dark views here. Not that I think there is anything dark in this either. Please write it as you wish. Let this bloom fully so we can fully appreciate it and give a true critique.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2011 14:07:09 GMT -5
Thanks. This one is about religion, so i thought that it would be offensive.
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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Oct 21, 2011 12:26:52 GMT -5
I enjoyed the first four lines alot. As LF mentioned, "seen" in the fifth line detracted a gram from the poem's entirety. It felt very punchy & straight forward. I also really enjoyed the last stanza you mentioned that you omitted. I encourage you to add this into it (hit the modify button on the right), as it wraps the poem up neatly. An interestingly rather blamey poem. Almost like watching someone who it's just dawned on them that something isn't their fault, & the anger that ensues. LF- I don't think there's any "wrong way" to interpret a poem so don't feel down about that,MS, perhaps you need to take this on board & add some imagery to your next poem to emphasize the message you are attempting to portray.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2011 11:29:40 GMT -5
Yeah, I will. I was very angry when I wrote this. Religion has caused me so much pain, then one day I looked around, and I decided to be free. Today, I feel a lot better.
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