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Post by rosindubh on Sept 26, 2011 19:28:49 GMT -5
Hand me my shotgun bride that i may draw from her power and sit by the fire of the navaho to watch the dancing spirits enter the chanting medicine man with staff of feather and rattle pointing to the lone eagle above his face cracked with wisdom one more kiss to keep the peace and run barefoot with the brave who chase down the mighty bison where there are no frontiers and one last kiss for the tools to complete this transportation from broken sickly shell to the vision on my wall
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Post by Aish on Sept 27, 2011 11:38:39 GMT -5
Hi, Eamon!
I think you should replace 'to watch' with 'watching in L4. I also think you could remove 'this' in the penultimate line. You have a crazy weaving here, I am not sure I like the format, no strophes. Love the story, though.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 27, 2011 13:02:16 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star rosindubh
The format is different and a bit tough to read. Not sure what the tempo should be. I do love the theme though. A lot even. Other than format, and what Chrys mentioned, I would not change a thing.
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Post by rosindubh on Sept 27, 2011 15:55:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback Aish. I have taken 'this' from the penultimate line, is it still clear that I am referring to my-self ? ahh yes I have just read it again and it seems clear to me anyway. The thing about the changing "to watch" to watching ,I am not sure how that would work out just because of the lines leading into it, what i mean is 'to watch' might imply that i am not yet watching whereas watching would imply that i am already watching. (does that make any sense) however i do rate your advice very high,so if you could clarify that for me I would be grateful. The format I had originally had the first four lines as a stanza until i looked back over it and saw that the fifth line could be taken two ways, 'to watch the dancing spirits enter the medicine man' or 'enter the medicine man' as i first meant. Then i just ran with it as something different. thanks again for your help.
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Post by rosindubh on Sept 27, 2011 16:00:45 GMT -5
LonelyForsaken thanks for the welcome, man i am giving serious thought to putting a more conventional format back to the poem. when i was writing it i had a sort of Indian drum going on in my head and so wrote the poem as a kind of chant where there are no real pauses, but since it is hard to read i will have to put some kind of order into it. thanks again for your comment and feedback. it was most appreciated.
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Post by rosindubh on Sept 27, 2011 17:26:10 GMT -5
thanks Veritas! yes I was fairly stoned when i wrote this, a nice bit of weed. I came across a picture on the web that reminded me of a time when i lived in my Mothers. I had a picture similar on my bedroom wall, and I was involved with a much stronger drug. so i got to deep thought about one instance in particular (as you do) There are a few references to this within the poem allbeit abstract.
Shotgun Bride, draw from her power, one more kiss to keep the peace , the last four lines more or less talk about the desire to leave my broken shell (or overdose) and so fourth
thanks again for your kind comment !
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Post by Veritas on Sept 27, 2011 18:03:28 GMT -5
I may have acidentally deleted my own repy above. Oops! Mushrooms, mescaline or LSD? Meth always makes me over observe. I'm into the way you have it formatted here. As I said previously, once you mentioned the drumming.
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Post by Aish on Sept 28, 2011 2:10:08 GMT -5
No worries regarding 'to watch'. I really dig the drum beat rhythm (now that you've explained it). I wish I could tell you a way to write that expresses it, but generally the only format I'm aware of that forces a dee-dum type pf rhythm are sonnets.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Sept 28, 2011 15:11:17 GMT -5
Ive been reading this over and over the last two days, but I just dont seem to have much for comments. You painted things well for me, rosindubh, and I enjoyed the poem. I might have to come back to this one another day to leave you better feedback.
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Post by rosindubh on Sept 30, 2011 20:29:14 GMT -5
Thanks Leash. I appreciate your reading and commenting however flattering it might be. Glad you liked it!
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 3, 2011 23:54:07 GMT -5
The drum beat really does fix the rhythm. Hmmmm! Makes me want to build a fire, put on a loin cloth, and… ;D
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Post by Mikepoet on Feb 28, 2018 17:05:13 GMT -5
I like this. I I'm probrably not much help for my critique is rare. I simply enjoy.
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