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Post by Veritas on Aug 11, 2011 16:10:22 GMT -5
Light whispers Speak volumes Of emotion
In stop-motion
Like a wound Cauterized by tongue... or a death scene That lasts too long
The marvelous transformation Of the mundane to divine
chrysalis to butterfly Ripe grape into wine
Miracles undressed to express Nothing less, than an unwillingness to fight After all, in what light should they be shown?
You must always be allowed to be yourself when at home From the first child to the stillborn
Where choice & chance Are interbred to perform the simplest, yet most unimaginable things...
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Post by Aish on Aug 11, 2011 17:21:10 GMT -5
Light whispers Your opener breathes, as if it is a conversation in progress. I am surprised that two words can evoke a multitude of meanings, but that is exactly what this phrasing wields: nuances. The multiplicity lends itself well to the rest of the poem.
Light whispers Speak volumes Of emotion In stop-motion Beautiful. Your word choices are both lyric and visual. It aches. I would suggest breaking this into strophes. The way you have presented it feels conversational and languid, which I like, as if you were softly saying it aloud. However, sometimes when reading presentation becomes important to the reader.
Like a wound Cauterized by tongue... Erotic, sensual, serene...
The marvelous transformation Of the mundane to divine chrysalis to butterfly Ripe grape into wine I could probably write a long winded dissertation regarding such metamorphosis/distillation of the human psyche and experience in such imagery - but I shall spare us all and simply say your ability to grasp the human condition remains flawless. Bonus: you used the word chrysalis, which I am partial to.
You must always be allowed to be yourself when at home From the first child to the stillborn This hurts.
Where choice & chance Are interbred to perform the simplest, yet most unimaginable things. .. An open ended idea for the reader.
Thank you for sharing yourself.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 12, 2011 15:48:19 GMT -5
As I read, and reread this, looking for any improvement possible; only one thing came to my mind. Then I read Chrys’s reply and I cannot state it any better but I wish to repeat it here because I feel it is important to the reader too. Chrys – “Beautiful. Your word choices are both lyric and visual. It aches. I would suggest breaking this into strophes. The way you have presented it feels conversational and languid, which I like, as if you were softly saying it aloud. However, sometimes when reading presentation becomes important to the reader.”I can do nothing other than empathize with your words Veritas and echo your every reply Chrys. Thank you both for being who you are. I love you both.
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Post by atomicparakeet on Aug 21, 2011 11:53:48 GMT -5
I am always enthralled with your poems, Veritas.
Reading this makes me ache from somewhere deep. I don't know why, but emotion comes across painfully. Not a specific emotion, but it hurts.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Sept 13, 2011 23:33:12 GMT -5
Im seeing two distinctly different styles with your writing lately. Do you usually write from the same state of mind... Sober/high/drunk/i dont know. Its so strange opening a new thread of yours and finding an unexpected style.
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Post by Swindle Sheet on Oct 26, 2011 20:47:17 GMT -5
The rhyme scheme works well with the rhythm of the poem. Awesome.
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Post by Aish on Oct 26, 2011 21:04:02 GMT -5
I'm still enamored of this piece
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Post by atomicparakeet on Apr 2, 2012 1:31:14 GMT -5
I'm with Aish. *bump*
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Post by shamefulsean on Apr 4, 2012 20:18:42 GMT -5
You must always be allowed to be yourself when at home From the first child to the stillborn
DAMNIT... THIS....IS.....DAMNED......GOOOOOOOOD shame
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Post by markusmagellus on Nov 7, 2013 1:38:16 GMT -5
Your ending reminded me a little of Peter Pan. It's a really unique piece, kind of sweet and brooding at the same time. Very artistic and skillful.
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siksimon
Demon Disciple
Blind leading the blind.
Posts: 524
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Post by siksimon on Dec 3, 2013 22:21:44 GMT -5
Light whispers Speak volumes Of emotion
In stop-motion
Like a wound Cauterized by tongue... or a death scene That lasts too long
The marvelous transformation Of the mundane to divine
chrysalis to butterfly Ripe grape into wine
Miracles undressed to express Nothing less, than an unwillingness to fight After all, in what light should they be shown?
You must always be allowed to be yourself when at home From the first child to the stillborn
Where choice & chance Are interbred to perform the simplest, yet most unimaginable things...
Whoa.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 23, 2015 0:12:28 GMT -5
Light whispers Speak volumes Of emotion
In stop-motion
Like a wound Cauterized by tongue... or a death scene That lasts too long
The marvelous transformation Of the mundane to divine
chrysalis to butterfly Ripe grape into wine
Miracles undressed to express Nothing less, than an unwillingness to fight After all, in what light should they be shown?
You must always be allowed to be yourself when at home From the first child to the stillborn
Where choice & chance Are interbred to perform the simplest, yet most unimaginable things...
Whoa. What he said.
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Post by goldfinch on Feb 23, 2015 2:00:20 GMT -5
I have no words. Damn you. It's good.
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Post by awesomebill on Jan 15, 2016 13:09:58 GMT -5
remember we looked over there and there was a supernova?
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Post by awesomebill on Jan 15, 2016 13:11:02 GMT -5
I can only describe it as a beautiful nightmare.
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