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Post by Veritas on Jul 21, 2011 10:32:36 GMT -5
Uncoiled and in mid-flight
mouth open wide rattle-snake strike
Dick in hand and piss on wall
sirens echo
Hound dog's on someone else's trail
lightend heart like conversation and sharing a bottle with a brother...
The meaninglessness of it all never occurs, to us...
Like the other people you're on the road with
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Post by Aish on Jul 21, 2011 14:34:32 GMT -5
Interesting stream of consciousness. From a rattlesnake to a pissing appendage - I would have been more apt to use an engorged dick looking for prey, lol.
I love your languid revelations. Your conversational tone. I personally am not keen on your final stanza - it has merit to be sure, I just think it is erroneous.
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Post by Veritas on Jul 21, 2011 14:46:43 GMT -5
The final line is through drunk driving eyes and thinking on the numerous and namless ants who also occupy the road. Hence it being placed in inebriations.
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Post by Aish on Jul 21, 2011 14:53:31 GMT -5
I got the drunk vibe
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 22, 2011 14:31:19 GMT -5
I like it. I like it a lot. At first read it seems scattered and a bit hard to connect each stanza. I mean it’s too cerebral for an easy read but that is part of what I like about it. It makes me think. Your opening image of a striking snake is captivating as hell. “Dick in hand and piss on wall”At first this is hard to connect with the opening. I want to associate it with the snake as Chrys says but with a bit of thought it brings me into the intended inebriation feel as I drunkenly piss on the side of the “Stop and Go” store wall. I got arrested for indecent exposure but the charges were dropped. LOL They just wanted me off the street. The rest of it really brings home the “Devil may care” attitude of an inebriated mind. Well done! I do have one suggestion; “lightend heart like conversation and sharing a bottle with a brother...”In this stanza the word “like” changes this stanza into a description of sharing with a brother. If you take that one word out I’m placed within this write with you and sharing in it myself. Much more brotherly and sharing. I would also use this as the last stanza. It lends a brotherly tone to the deadly carelessness experience being shared and makes it all much more memorable. Very good. It makes me want to grab a bottle and look you up.
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