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Post by zairith on Jun 14, 2011 22:43:11 GMT -5
The world morals are all gone, On the streets the pure number none, Rapists, murders, liars, and thieves, They hold all the keys.
Can no one see through the lies, Of the media of politics and of this bureaucracy of idiots, They hide their crimes with images of others, Betrayers to their so called brothers.
Family ties are meaningless, And friendships are pointless. In this world money and money alone rules, Greed is this planet's god and paper is its right hand.
Living in this place, this hell, I have learned all this things and the hate inside swells, I am not pure nor have claimed to be, The only difference between me and them is I hate being this way.
And I want the world to die, F*ck the dying, the faithful, and poor, F*ck the liars, and sinners I don't care anymore. I want to see this world in cleansing flames.
Genocide to all mankind, Man killing man in mass homicide, Thats what I call redemption, Not praying to some idol in the sky.
I want to be burned, in a holocaust of fire. And if there is a god of any kind, I pray to you to destroy all of mankind ------------------------------------------------------- I'm not sure if I'm supposed to censor or not so i did anyways. Comments and critques are encouraged and welcomed.
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Post by Aish on Jun 16, 2011 1:41:40 GMT -5
[Genocide to all mankind, Man killing man in mass homicide, Thats what I call redemption, Not praying to some idol in the sky.] Whilst I will agree with the final line of this strophe insofar as "God" is simply a generic title and could apply to anyone or anything, the message here is in total contrast to the strophes before it.
Also, whittle this piece of writing down. You are writing poetry, not an essay.
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Post by zairith on Jun 23, 2011 4:24:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the critique I will think about it, and try to revise it.
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Post by atomicparakeet on Jun 25, 2011 21:26:03 GMT -5
I don't really get a sense of rage from this, more like sadness. I think you are trying to put too many different ideas in this one piece. Maybe just focus on a few different ideas and make a series of pieces.
"And I want the world to die, F*ck the dying, the faithful, and poor, F*ck the liars, and sinners I don't care anymore. I want to see this world in cleansing flames." The loss of hope is the saddest of all, even if she is a cruel mistress.
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vika
Dark Initiate
Posts: 15
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Post by vika on Jul 14, 2011 15:10:13 GMT -5
This reads more like a bunch of thoughts than a poem. I like the idea of it but maybe instead of trying to convey your feelings for all these different things... try to tone it down a bit, maybe to describing just one. Really focus on one thing that bothers you and dig deep for your emotions.. this is what that piece needs, emotion.
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