urchin
Crimson Soul
Who needs hope when you are willing to stare at fate and stop this crusade?
Posts: 85
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Post by urchin on May 14, 2010 16:58:26 GMT -5
A Queer Tale
In the town of Pocklington today It seems there has developed a new way To date people, which I can’t understand; The boys are left, while girls walk hand in hand. Really it is difficult to detect, This being the cause of why I did neglect To notice my sis adopting the fashion And forgetting men when seeking passion. I perceived little changes it is true To tell, but always found them never too Alarming to be overly concerned About at the time. However soon I learned About her new clothes on her bedroom floor, She wore tank tops and docs, unlike before. Thus I questioned her masculine style as She cut off her long hair, and still since has Chosen to keep it shorter and boyish, And no longer looks like my little sis. Confusion and suspicion dawned on me One rare night when we chose to share our tea And so, choosing to put it as bluntly As possible, I asked her how country Matters fared, taking a leaf from Hamlet’s Book. Being bright of course she did not forget What it meant, or the question it implied. Quite simply she turned to me and replied “Better since the cock has stopped its crowing” Smiling widely with a look of knowing She left. Slowly I put aside my plate The rest of my dinner would have to wait Till later; I’d felt my appetite go With the thought of her with some blonde bimbo.
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Post by ValkyrieGoddess on May 17, 2010 9:54:46 GMT -5
Been a while since i read any of your work. Nice piece it made me laugh and smile at the same time and believe me that is hard.
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Post by TheLonelyForsaken2 on May 17, 2010 15:24:15 GMT -5
I have to admit that I had much the same reaction as ValkyrieGoddess when I read the last line. But then on farther reflection I felt sad and looking at the bigger picture I could feel her disappointment. I tend to reserve comment on this subject, and I probably should do so now, because while I am tolerant of same sex couples I really don’t understand. I also feel this is probably deeply disturbing to urchin and I don’t want to hurt her, but I do want to help. It’s a failing of my hard wiring that places me at odds with my willingness to accept and understand what makes people happy. It has gotten easier over the years because I am exposed to it often here in Lake Tahoe but it still is a bit uncomfortable. Mostly because I fear offending others and that is always possible when you don’t fully understand.
I like the story. It is thought provoking and entertaining but the style feels a bit forced. You break up your sentences to create a better rhyming scheme. I think it would flow better if told in a more free verse style.
“I perceived little changes it is true To tell, but always found them never too Alarming to be overly concerned About at the time. However soon I learned…”
Here is where the rhythm gets all messed up for me and I look forward to comments from others as I’m not really sure if it’s just me. I still feel new to all of this but here goes; There is always a bit of a pause between reading one line and the next. So when a sentence is broken up like;
“I perceived little changes it is true To tell,”
It makes me shake my head and reread to be sure I got it. That creates the forced feeling for me. A transitional word like “and” can make it easier but it doesn’t help with rhyming. That is why I broke my sentence up to demonstrate. I think a free verse style would fit much better than rhyming but I do understand your dilemma here. I am currently struggling to follow the advice I give you here in a rewrite attempt on “Dragons Beauty.”
It is a good read. Thank you.
TheLonelyForsaken
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urchin
Crimson Soul
Who needs hope when you are willing to stare at fate and stop this crusade?
Posts: 85
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Post by urchin on May 19, 2010 6:26:12 GMT -5
This piece was actually written for a uni assignment, and had to be rhyming couplets and the right useage of syllables as it was supposed to imitate the style of chaucer. I didn't want the poem to have a sing songy feel to it, so I used a lot of enjambement to belittle the couplets, and not have much emphasis at all on the rhyme. I know it is as bit disjointed in places, and could probably benefit from a revision, but I havn't really had the time. As for the subject matter, we had to write a past experience in the point of view of someone else, so this is actually about me, from my sisters point of view. I can understand the unease with homosexuals, we have quite an open community in present day, but it still makes some people uncomfortable. I didn't realise that dissapointment had come across, I was aiming more for.. subtle shock, or indeed unease, but not dissapointment. Thanks for both of your comments, and I'm glad it made you smile Urchin
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Post by TheLonelyForsaken2 on May 19, 2010 14:51:10 GMT -5
Thank you urchin for the explanation. I was a bit worried that a gulf had developed between you and your sister over this. Family is everything to me.
“Better since the cock has stopped its crowing” This line made me think as well as smile by the way. Good one!
“I was aiming more for.. subtle shock, or indeed unease, but not dissapointment.” I think you did accomplish this. I often see things a bit differently than most and I am hard to shock.
Re reading your poem and my comment I see I could have worded my comment better. I used the word understanding where I should have used accepting. I also want you, and everyone else, to know that any uncomfort I feel today has little to do with people being gay but with my own inability at fully accepting. When I see two women loving and smiling it actually is very heartening and uplifting and I do accept it fully (This leads to issues of male eroticism but that is another subject entirely.) Who cannot see the good in such happiness under any circumstance? My failing resides in the slight disturbance I still felt when I see two men doing the same thing. I still feel heartened by their joy and happiness but a very small part still rejects the idea of sex and two males no matter how hard I try to accept it. While I do understand that people have different needs, desires, and are hardwired differently I still struggle just a bit with acceptance and it feels wrong to me that I do this. It is my own failing and this disturbs me the most. It is far easier to accept the failings of others than my own. Yes I know that sounds arrogant. LOL
I think that the largest hurtle most people have to get over when it comes to understanding this subject is that it seems unnatural to most of us. What we often forget, and this is common to all subjects concerning mankind, is that we as a species are not animals nor are we completely natural. Nature implies innocence and a set of expected rules that accompany it. Thinking entities such as us live outside this set yet we often seem to expect and want to hold ourselves true to them. This opens up a subject I love to discus but this is not the right thread. However, I do hope it will help someone/anyone with understanding.
good work urchin. I hope you got an A.
TheLonelyForsaken
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urchin
Crimson Soul
Who needs hope when you are willing to stare at fate and stop this crusade?
Posts: 85
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Post by urchin on May 24, 2010 9:01:44 GMT -5
Thankyou very much for your honest comments TheLonelyForsaken, you're right this is a very intersting topic to discuss, but again right that its not the corrext place. I don't know what mark I got for it yet, but this piece became more than just a hand in for me, I really connected with it, it made me much more open to sharing my poetry. Urchin
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