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I could
May 11, 2008 19:16:04 GMT -5
Post by 2standalone on May 11, 2008 19:16:04 GMT -5
I could cry I could scream But though I don’t think you’d Ever hear me
I could burn this place My ties to you You would never feel a thing Oh How naive I have been
This world could fall Down around my ears The sky could tumble And crack through and through But where are you
I could run so far I could disappear But this blood in my veins It is heavy - holding me down Thicker then water as they say
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I could
May 30, 2008 20:23:35 GMT -5
Post by lonelylove on May 30, 2008 20:23:35 GMT -5
it's a good piece but i don't like the last three lines. that's the only thing holding it back in my opinion.
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I could
May 31, 2008 11:26:24 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on May 31, 2008 11:26:24 GMT -5
An eye-catching title can be the difference between 10 and 100 views. Use something creative.. We have all seen the titles "My Poem," "Razors," "My Demons," etc.
A strong opening will capture the attention of your readers. The current starter lines in your poem are not pulling me in, to be honest. If this was posted at any other website, I would have stopped there and gone to the next poets writing. Give us a reason to keep reading! Make us excited to keep going!
Im not too sure how to word this, so ill do my best. When I read this piece I dont feel like I have an environment. It feels like its floating.. Nothing solid to tie it down. I remember when I worked in sales.. We were supposed to offer every customer about the added option of extended warranty. The managers all said that it was KEY for us to show us the actual pamphlet because we are selling something that they cant hold in their hands. Its easier for someone to buy something that has visuals.. It creates worth. This poem feels like you didnt have a pamphlet. I dont know what im trying to buy.. Show me.
As far as your ending goes, I like the idea of it, but your wording could definitely be improved. Try to avoid overused/cliche lines in your work.. All it can do is take away from the personal feel of your poem.
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