Post by Reaper696 on Feb 25, 2008 21:30:58 GMT -5
Announcer: Time once again for An Evening at the Improv! Here's your host-with-the-most-halitosis, Reaper!...
Reaper: Thanks, nice to know you have your personalities in order...
Being homeless carries a stigma. I prefer to be called "professionally broke"...
You know the hardest thing about being "professionally broke"? The damn cops tryin' to browbeat you, where I'm at there're these idiot rookies always tryin' to give me tickets. The most prominent of these is "illegal camping". You get enough of these they'll send you to jail, which means they give you a place to stay 'cause you didn't have a place to stay. Then your ass is right back out "illegally camping" again! The hell is that?!?...
My favorite ticket is "aggressive panhandling". Now maybe I'm reading my dictionary wrongly, but where I come from that's called "armed robbery"...
OK, which is more aggressive: "Got any change?" or "Gimme yo' f*ckin' money!"?...
I hardly call holding a sign "aggressive panhandling", yet my brethren still get these, but I'll stop bitchin' when they start ticketing The Salvation Army...
One question that has been flaming my farts was: Why do homeless people panhandle other homeless people? That's like a vacuum cleaner asking for a blow job...
I don't get it, a guy walks up and asks for 50 cents and ends up with 9 cents, a paper clip, and a shoestring. Some try to be slick and have their woman ask, but all she gets is a condom inventory...
Oh, and if you happen to hook up with a woman in your tax bracket, and you make her slit a swamp, tryin' to get laid is a bit of an adventure:
First you gotta find a secluded spot you won't get shot at...
Then you gotta find a condom that was at least bought during the current President. Yes, quite an adventure...
Whatever you do, don't do it on a tarp. You start at missionary, you end up sweat wrestling...
Now I will explain my biggest pet peeve: Spoiled bums. How the hell can you be broke and spoiled at the same time? For example:
"But I wanted Budweiser"
When you make Budweiser money you'll have it, now drink this Bailey's Bile Beer and shut up...
"I'm tired of McDoody's, I want steak"
When you finish havin' that damn cow there you go...
"Let's make enough to get a hotel room"
So we could get evicted in the morning? Have another drink...
Well, OJ's in court, Bush is in the Persian Gulf, and Clinton's running for President. Can someone tell me what year this is?...
Damn it's been cold lately; it's been so cold I had ice cream comin' outta my nipples...
I'm tired of people sayin' that homeles people are useless. I know the perfect use for them: Jury duty...
Think of it: They can be sequestered for months at a time with no arguments, you got alternates up the yizzy, and besides, who else can live on 5 dollars a day?...
Aaaaah, with that off my chest, our first guest is known in Washington DC as "Number 2", considering what he's done to the country it's quite fitting...Please welcome Dick Cheney!...
Dick: People think I have a lot of heart problems. It's not that, it's just hard to pump a lump of coal...
With the election coming up I've been thinking of running for Vice President for a change...
People are wondering why we can't find Osama bin Laden after all these years...Damn, I gotta good make-up artist...
I'm glad my lesbian daughter gave birth to a son,at least the rod he's packin' is real...
OK OK, so I shot someone, he was a lawyer, that counts as a good deed...
Besides, I'll bet it wasn't the first time a Dick blasted him in the face...
Reaper: ................OK, our next guest is the richest man in America, and he still can't afford any fashion sense...Please welcome Bill Gates!...
Bill: Remember when I tried to put the Microsoft logo on the moon? Since I couldn't do that I mooned the logo...
Who wrote this crap?...
You're probably wondering how I got out of all that antitrust stuff. It was easy, I threatened to pay their lawyers...
Microsoft made $2 trillion last year. Hey Google, search this!...
I feel the need to apologize for our tech support. You see, my associate was hard of hearing when I said "Set it up in Indiana"...
It's a good thing I got $45 billion, I can finally fill up my Prius...
Reaper: Jeez, I can do better than that sober...
Anyway, our last guest will eventually own a hotel chain, which will make her a true heir head...Please welcome Paris Hilton!...
Paris: I'm tired of people sayin' I'm like, out of touch with reality, I watch Survivor every week, DUH...
I can't believe my grand-a-week-daddy kicked me out of his will! I don't like, get it, he showed off his home movies!...
You like, don't know how hard it was for me in that prison, I was goning through some gnarly credit card withdrawal...
I learned a lot about the bible in prison, but people are like, so stupid, it says right on the cover we were created by Gideon...
I'm tellin' you it was hell in that prison, I wouldn't have got out if I didn't give all the guards a hummer...
Hey don't laugh, Nicole Ritchie got out in a hour-and-a-half...
Reaper: Oy, well that's it for now. This is Reaper saying "If you cn't beat 'em, sue 'em!". Good night everybody!...
Reaper: Thanks, nice to know you have your personalities in order...
Being homeless carries a stigma. I prefer to be called "professionally broke"...
You know the hardest thing about being "professionally broke"? The damn cops tryin' to browbeat you, where I'm at there're these idiot rookies always tryin' to give me tickets. The most prominent of these is "illegal camping". You get enough of these they'll send you to jail, which means they give you a place to stay 'cause you didn't have a place to stay. Then your ass is right back out "illegally camping" again! The hell is that?!?...
My favorite ticket is "aggressive panhandling". Now maybe I'm reading my dictionary wrongly, but where I come from that's called "armed robbery"...
OK, which is more aggressive: "Got any change?" or "Gimme yo' f*ckin' money!"?...
I hardly call holding a sign "aggressive panhandling", yet my brethren still get these, but I'll stop bitchin' when they start ticketing The Salvation Army...
One question that has been flaming my farts was: Why do homeless people panhandle other homeless people? That's like a vacuum cleaner asking for a blow job...
I don't get it, a guy walks up and asks for 50 cents and ends up with 9 cents, a paper clip, and a shoestring. Some try to be slick and have their woman ask, but all she gets is a condom inventory...
Oh, and if you happen to hook up with a woman in your tax bracket, and you make her slit a swamp, tryin' to get laid is a bit of an adventure:
First you gotta find a secluded spot you won't get shot at...
Then you gotta find a condom that was at least bought during the current President. Yes, quite an adventure...
Whatever you do, don't do it on a tarp. You start at missionary, you end up sweat wrestling...
Now I will explain my biggest pet peeve: Spoiled bums. How the hell can you be broke and spoiled at the same time? For example:
"But I wanted Budweiser"
When you make Budweiser money you'll have it, now drink this Bailey's Bile Beer and shut up...
"I'm tired of McDoody's, I want steak"
When you finish havin' that damn cow there you go...
"Let's make enough to get a hotel room"
So we could get evicted in the morning? Have another drink...
Well, OJ's in court, Bush is in the Persian Gulf, and Clinton's running for President. Can someone tell me what year this is?...
Damn it's been cold lately; it's been so cold I had ice cream comin' outta my nipples...
I'm tired of people sayin' that homeles people are useless. I know the perfect use for them: Jury duty...
Think of it: They can be sequestered for months at a time with no arguments, you got alternates up the yizzy, and besides, who else can live on 5 dollars a day?...
Aaaaah, with that off my chest, our first guest is known in Washington DC as "Number 2", considering what he's done to the country it's quite fitting...Please welcome Dick Cheney!...
Dick: People think I have a lot of heart problems. It's not that, it's just hard to pump a lump of coal...
With the election coming up I've been thinking of running for Vice President for a change...
People are wondering why we can't find Osama bin Laden after all these years...Damn, I gotta good make-up artist...
I'm glad my lesbian daughter gave birth to a son,at least the rod he's packin' is real...
OK OK, so I shot someone, he was a lawyer, that counts as a good deed...
Besides, I'll bet it wasn't the first time a Dick blasted him in the face...
Reaper: ................OK, our next guest is the richest man in America, and he still can't afford any fashion sense...Please welcome Bill Gates!...
Bill: Remember when I tried to put the Microsoft logo on the moon? Since I couldn't do that I mooned the logo...
Who wrote this crap?...
You're probably wondering how I got out of all that antitrust stuff. It was easy, I threatened to pay their lawyers...
Microsoft made $2 trillion last year. Hey Google, search this!...
I feel the need to apologize for our tech support. You see, my associate was hard of hearing when I said "Set it up in Indiana"...
It's a good thing I got $45 billion, I can finally fill up my Prius...
Reaper: Jeez, I can do better than that sober...
Anyway, our last guest will eventually own a hotel chain, which will make her a true heir head...Please welcome Paris Hilton!...
Paris: I'm tired of people sayin' I'm like, out of touch with reality, I watch Survivor every week, DUH...
I can't believe my grand-a-week-daddy kicked me out of his will! I don't like, get it, he showed off his home movies!...
You like, don't know how hard it was for me in that prison, I was goning through some gnarly credit card withdrawal...
I learned a lot about the bible in prison, but people are like, so stupid, it says right on the cover we were created by Gideon...
I'm tellin' you it was hell in that prison, I wouldn't have got out if I didn't give all the guards a hummer...
Hey don't laugh, Nicole Ritchie got out in a hour-and-a-half...
Reaper: Oy, well that's it for now. This is Reaper saying "If you cn't beat 'em, sue 'em!". Good night everybody!...