Post by Reaper696 on Feb 27, 2006 20:27:42 GMT -5
Announcer : Welcome to antoher edition of your insanity at work! Here's your what's-he-smokin'-now host, Reaper!!!...
Reaper : Thanks man, good to see you've been taking my medication...
Well with Valentine's Day behind me, I can now get drunk for no reason again...
OK OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh, but I can't understand how a holiday commorating love can have the initials VD?...
OK, so I'm bitter. Hey, you'd be too, I gave my last girlfriend roses, jewlery, corndogs by candlelight...The lowfat ones even; And what does she give me? A hard time when I ask for sex...
Get this, when we went out for for movies she was complainin' that I wasn't "romantic enough", so I set out to prove her wrong. When she rented "Titanic", I rented volume 1 of the Classic c*nts Collection...
What? They're all dead, she doesn't have to worry about me cheating with them...
Man, y'all don't understand, so what puberty was a special time for me...
Maybe y'all can tell me where I'm screwing up: We were sittin' down to dinner, I was eating my corndog when she says "Reapykins, I keep getting the feeling you don't love me: We're eating corndogs, we're drinikng Outhouse Beer, you think porn's 'romantic', what gives? What am I doing wrong?". Now as I was thikin' of ways to kill Ricki Lake, I finish pickin' my nose with the stick and say "now hold up baby: This is usually my carjacking night, but I chose to be with you; I could've been catching up on my crystal meth supply, but I chose to be with you; hell, all 5 of my other girlfriends wanted me tonight, but I chose to be with you. Can't you see that I love you?!?"...
And you know what? That bitch left! I though women liked honest men!...
Anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have a black woman here. Besides, she's so big I just made quota, here's Oprah Winfrey!...
Oprah: Thank you, thank you...I know people thought I got a bit rough on that guy that lied about his book, but what most people don't understand is that the money he cost will screw up lunch for me in 3022...
I must agree that most celebrities are "a little off", but I can relate to them. If you had my bank statement you'd be jumpin on couches too honey...
You know people call me "The Big O", but very few know the real reason. Lemme put it this way: I found out after a night with Steadman I had to earthquake-proof my house...
With all the people I've helped, I can't help everybody. For the past 7 years I still can't get Dr. Phil to shine my shoes just so...
I've had many fans ask me to run for President, but I don't wanna take the cut in pay...I can't even get someone to wipe my ass for that much...
When I look back on my life, I only have one regret: I should've released my sex tape earlier...
You've been wonderful, thank you! Buy my stuff!...
Reaper: You go Big O!...Anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have a white woman here also. Here's Michael Jackson!...
MJ: Thank you...I don't know why people think I'm so weird, I put on my sequin pajamas one leg at a time too...
I can't believe that bitch-of-a-prince threw me out of his country! I have fair skin, I didn't know I was crossdressing...
Do you know what really crinkles my noses? The way that the media makes me out to be someone from Mars. Do you think anyone from Mars would look this good? I paid too much to those doctors to have them screw up my face...They told me I look like an H.R. Giger painting...
People, I'm not weird: Haven't you ever wanted your own amusement park? Your own zoo? Your own hyperbaric chamber?...
I'm gonna start a reality show. I'm calling it "Picking Your Nose with Michael", what do you think?...
I"m gonna prove I'm just a regular guy, I'm releasing a gansta rap album...I'm returning to my roots, it'll have songs like "My Butler's a Bitch"..."Llamas Need Their Shit Scooped Too"..."Who Choked My Chimp's Chicken?"...It'll be really neat...
I love you all, thank you mwah!...
OK, anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have 2 Mexicans here to tend to the grass...Here's Cheech and Chong!...
Cheech (CHE) : ....Thanks y'all. Hey man, what was that joint we smoked? I fell like I gotta take a shit.
Chong (CHO) : It's called Power Perfume man.
CHE: Huh? It don't smell like no perfume!
CHO: Naw, I grew it in toilet water.....What? The shit was already there, I just threw the seeds in and waited...
CHE: ...You mean that's what's been ticklin' my balls for 2 months?
CHO: Yeah man....Wait, is that why you spend an hour in the john man?
CHE: Never mind that shit holmes, we supposed to be tellin' jokes dude!
CHO : OK, knock knock.
CHE: Who's there?
CHO : Eyeblue.
CHE: Eyeblue who?
CHO: If you don't know that's your problem, ha ha ha!...
CHE: Shit man! We can't be doin' this grade school shit! Lemme start this one: This cop come up to me askin' why I was spinnin' in circles.
CHO: Naw man, he was askin' why you were modelin' lingerie in church!
CHE: Don't be sayin' that shit in public!...Besides, that day I sent you for a 12-pack of Pepsi and you come back with a 20-sack of coke!...You're supposed to ask what I said.
CHO: "'Cause I'm fellin' frisky".
CHE: Not that man!......[sigh], just say "So what did you say?". you dumb shit!
CHO: So what did you say, you dumb shit?
CHE: .........f*ck it, I said "I'm cheap, so I'm makin' a tornado".
CHO: Bullshit man, you wre tryin' to dye your hair blond.
CHE: Dude, how did you get so dumb dude?
CHO: A little bit of weed, and a looootta practice man.
CHE: Well f*ck it, I'll finish the joke: So the cop asked me "What's you bein' cheap got to do with you spinnin' in circles?". I said "Dude, this is the only blowjob I can afford"!
CHO: ......Dude, that sucked. I got a better one than that man.
CHE: Oh yeah?
CHO: Yeah man, frrrrrt! Thank you very much.
CHE: Man, quit talkin' shit and tell the joke!
CHO: I just did, wanna hear it again?
CHE: Hell naw holmes, I'm still smellin' the last one!
CHO: Come on man, I got a longer one ready to go dude.
CHE: NO! I got one man!
CHO: Frrrrrrap, ap, ap, fweet!
CHE: Goddamn man! Ever since you went to prison you got stupider!
CHO: Hold it man, you go and do Nash Bridges and I'm stupider?
CHE: I had to do somethin'! It was either that or goin' back to doin' midget porn!
CHO: LMAO! The Little Sex Emgine That Could! LMAO!
CHE: Shut up holmes.
CHO: Hot Stepladder Love! LMAO!
CHE: OK
CHO: Knee Deep in Nookie! LMAO!
CHE : Grrr, can I tell my f*ckin' joke now?
CHO: OK, Tony Tortilla! LMAO!
CHE: OK, I was bangin' this chick, and every time she screamed I felt her juices run down my legs.
CHO: Ok, which dream is this one?
CHE: Naw man, it's true! When I got done I told her she was great and she told me I really f*cked the shit outta her.
CHO: .......You're f*ckin' sick dude, I'm outta here man.
CHE: Hold up dude, you got my lucky thong!...
Reaper: Well I guess that's it for tonight! This is Reaper saying if no one's ever screwed you outta money, can I borrow 10 bucks? Good night everybody!...
Reaper : Thanks man, good to see you've been taking my medication...
Well with Valentine's Day behind me, I can now get drunk for no reason again...
OK OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh, but I can't understand how a holiday commorating love can have the initials VD?...
OK, so I'm bitter. Hey, you'd be too, I gave my last girlfriend roses, jewlery, corndogs by candlelight...The lowfat ones even; And what does she give me? A hard time when I ask for sex...
Get this, when we went out for for movies she was complainin' that I wasn't "romantic enough", so I set out to prove her wrong. When she rented "Titanic", I rented volume 1 of the Classic c*nts Collection...
What? They're all dead, she doesn't have to worry about me cheating with them...
Man, y'all don't understand, so what puberty was a special time for me...
Maybe y'all can tell me where I'm screwing up: We were sittin' down to dinner, I was eating my corndog when she says "Reapykins, I keep getting the feeling you don't love me: We're eating corndogs, we're drinikng Outhouse Beer, you think porn's 'romantic', what gives? What am I doing wrong?". Now as I was thikin' of ways to kill Ricki Lake, I finish pickin' my nose with the stick and say "now hold up baby: This is usually my carjacking night, but I chose to be with you; I could've been catching up on my crystal meth supply, but I chose to be with you; hell, all 5 of my other girlfriends wanted me tonight, but I chose to be with you. Can't you see that I love you?!?"...
And you know what? That bitch left! I though women liked honest men!...
Anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have a black woman here. Besides, she's so big I just made quota, here's Oprah Winfrey!...
Oprah: Thank you, thank you...I know people thought I got a bit rough on that guy that lied about his book, but what most people don't understand is that the money he cost will screw up lunch for me in 3022...
I must agree that most celebrities are "a little off", but I can relate to them. If you had my bank statement you'd be jumpin on couches too honey...
You know people call me "The Big O", but very few know the real reason. Lemme put it this way: I found out after a night with Steadman I had to earthquake-proof my house...
With all the people I've helped, I can't help everybody. For the past 7 years I still can't get Dr. Phil to shine my shoes just so...
I've had many fans ask me to run for President, but I don't wanna take the cut in pay...I can't even get someone to wipe my ass for that much...
When I look back on my life, I only have one regret: I should've released my sex tape earlier...
You've been wonderful, thank you! Buy my stuff!...
Reaper: You go Big O!...Anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have a white woman here also. Here's Michael Jackson!...
MJ: Thank you...I don't know why people think I'm so weird, I put on my sequin pajamas one leg at a time too...
I can't believe that bitch-of-a-prince threw me out of his country! I have fair skin, I didn't know I was crossdressing...
Do you know what really crinkles my noses? The way that the media makes me out to be someone from Mars. Do you think anyone from Mars would look this good? I paid too much to those doctors to have them screw up my face...They told me I look like an H.R. Giger painting...
People, I'm not weird: Haven't you ever wanted your own amusement park? Your own zoo? Your own hyperbaric chamber?...
I'm gonna start a reality show. I'm calling it "Picking Your Nose with Michael", what do you think?...
I"m gonna prove I'm just a regular guy, I'm releasing a gansta rap album...I'm returning to my roots, it'll have songs like "My Butler's a Bitch"..."Llamas Need Their Shit Scooped Too"..."Who Choked My Chimp's Chicken?"...It'll be really neat...
I love you all, thank you mwah!...
OK, anyway, with this being Black History Month and all I thought it would only be fair to have 2 Mexicans here to tend to the grass...Here's Cheech and Chong!...
Cheech (CHE) : ....Thanks y'all. Hey man, what was that joint we smoked? I fell like I gotta take a shit.
Chong (CHO) : It's called Power Perfume man.
CHE: Huh? It don't smell like no perfume!
CHO: Naw, I grew it in toilet water.....What? The shit was already there, I just threw the seeds in and waited...
CHE: ...You mean that's what's been ticklin' my balls for 2 months?
CHO: Yeah man....Wait, is that why you spend an hour in the john man?
CHE: Never mind that shit holmes, we supposed to be tellin' jokes dude!
CHO : OK, knock knock.
CHE: Who's there?
CHO : Eyeblue.
CHE: Eyeblue who?
CHO: If you don't know that's your problem, ha ha ha!...
CHE: Shit man! We can't be doin' this grade school shit! Lemme start this one: This cop come up to me askin' why I was spinnin' in circles.
CHO: Naw man, he was askin' why you were modelin' lingerie in church!
CHE: Don't be sayin' that shit in public!...Besides, that day I sent you for a 12-pack of Pepsi and you come back with a 20-sack of coke!...You're supposed to ask what I said.
CHO: "'Cause I'm fellin' frisky".
CHE: Not that man!......[sigh], just say "So what did you say?". you dumb shit!
CHO: So what did you say, you dumb shit?
CHE: .........f*ck it, I said "I'm cheap, so I'm makin' a tornado".
CHO: Bullshit man, you wre tryin' to dye your hair blond.
CHE: Dude, how did you get so dumb dude?
CHO: A little bit of weed, and a looootta practice man.
CHE: Well f*ck it, I'll finish the joke: So the cop asked me "What's you bein' cheap got to do with you spinnin' in circles?". I said "Dude, this is the only blowjob I can afford"!
CHO: ......Dude, that sucked. I got a better one than that man.
CHE: Oh yeah?
CHO: Yeah man, frrrrrt! Thank you very much.
CHE: Man, quit talkin' shit and tell the joke!
CHO: I just did, wanna hear it again?
CHE: Hell naw holmes, I'm still smellin' the last one!
CHO: Come on man, I got a longer one ready to go dude.
CHE: NO! I got one man!
CHO: Frrrrrrap, ap, ap, fweet!
CHE: Goddamn man! Ever since you went to prison you got stupider!
CHO: Hold it man, you go and do Nash Bridges and I'm stupider?
CHE: I had to do somethin'! It was either that or goin' back to doin' midget porn!
CHO: LMAO! The Little Sex Emgine That Could! LMAO!
CHE: Shut up holmes.
CHO: Hot Stepladder Love! LMAO!
CHE: OK
CHO: Knee Deep in Nookie! LMAO!
CHE : Grrr, can I tell my f*ckin' joke now?
CHO: OK, Tony Tortilla! LMAO!
CHE: OK, I was bangin' this chick, and every time she screamed I felt her juices run down my legs.
CHO: Ok, which dream is this one?
CHE: Naw man, it's true! When I got done I told her she was great and she told me I really f*cked the shit outta her.
CHO: .......You're f*ckin' sick dude, I'm outta here man.
CHE: Hold up dude, you got my lucky thong!...
Reaper: Well I guess that's it for tonight! This is Reaper saying if no one's ever screwed you outta money, can I borrow 10 bucks? Good night everybody!...