Post by Reaper696 on Jan 30, 2006 18:48:17 GMT -5
Announcer: Welcome once again to the dummest smart show on TV, Blonde Jeopardy! And here's your host, just back from his 12-keg program, Reaper!...
Reaper: Well thank the hell outta you. As you can see, after 5 seasons we just changed the damn name. Before I tell you the,(*giggle*), bad news, I have some e-mails to read...
From Braykin DaLau: "Reaper, can't you just declare a winner and regain your sanity?"...
Well, I tried that 2 seasons ago, but the contestants, uh, "paid a little lip service" to the producer. So now I still wait and end up with sloppy seconds...
Here's one from Dam Ahmloos: "Reaper, how can I get on the show? If I could stay there that long I'd make a lot of money".......
I'm not even gonna bother.
Now, to the horrible, terrible, rotten news......LMAO! OK, so I couldn't hold it... Our usual contestants, have died. Kiki died of carbon monoxide poisoning, Bubbles broke her neck doing her signature move at the local strip club, and Buffy is in a coma because she tried to bleach her hair from the inside. It's a sad day indeed, and now I'd like to take the time to thank them: For 5 seasons of bad jokes, good blowjobs, and allowing me to amass 2 years of vacation time. And in their honor, I will drink 3 boilermakers for actually givin' me a f*ckIN' CHANCE TO GET OUT THIS BITCH!!!.......
Damn, that felt good, well, let's meet our new blondes: Our first contestant is Katie Khumkacher; a microbiologist; 2nd we have Courtney Coxuka, a calculus teacher; and finally we have Amanda Swallow, Chairwoman of MENSA. OK, let's get this, yes?
Amanda: I was pondering why we were required to depigment our hair.
Reaper: (?)....Depigment? What, your hair was fat?
Amanda: No, depigment, to remove color.
Reaper: (?)...Remove color? Ain't blonde a color?
Amanda: Never mind you miscreant.
Reaper: Ummm, we speak English here, and for the record I'm a Mr.. Now, here are our categories...
Sex...
Drugs...
Rock N' Roll...
Proper Party Etiquette...
Cash, Grass, or Ass, I name a slang term and you tell me if stands for money, weed, or sex...
And Blonde Logic.....Y'all ain't gonna get it anyway...
Ok, Katie, Please get me outta here, I mean begin.
Katie: Ummm, what is the origin of these categories?
Reaper: Only the sex category has the orgy.
Katie: No, I mean how were these categories came into being?
Reaper: Ooooooh, some crazy f*ckhead in the back gets hella drunk and tries to write answers for 3 totally f*cked blondes they can figure out, hope you brushed up on your blonde logic.
Katie: Logic has no color.
Reaper: Oh really? A blonde is a lesbian, she finds out her lover is a man, what will she do?
Katie: Break up with him.
Reaper: And?
Katie: ...Find a new lover I guess.
Reaper: But before that?
Katie: .......I have no idea.
Reaper: She would cheat on him with her brother of course. Don't tell me you 3 are so smart you're stupid anyway...Katie, please pick a category, we're wasting time...
Katie: Drugs for 200...
Reaper: "This herb makes you happy, hungry, and horny"...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney: What is the Japanese centuries-old herb more commonly known as Yohimbe?
Reaper: Uhhhh, no, anyone else?
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie: What is the slowly-becoming-more-popular supplement St. John's Wort?
Reaper: Nope, Amanda?
Amanda: What is the opiate that, in layman's terms, are called poppies?
Reaper: Oh god, no. Katie, pick again...
Katie: Ummm...Rock n' Roll for $200...
Reaper : "This is either a very old band, or what a very old person ends up with"...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney : What are The Ink Spots?
Reaper : HELL NAH!, I mean, no...
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie : What is Grand Funk Railroad?
Reaper : [smacks forehead]...Nope, Amanda?
Amanda : What is Rage Against the Machine?
Reaper : Sorry, "The Rolling Stones" was the correct response. Are you guys even tryin'?
Courtney : Well, I am being logical, since these questions are for those beneath us, we have to answer at their level at the least.
Katie : I must concur her hypothesis, these were not the questions I trained for, so I have to pretend to be... stupid, for lack of a better term.
Amanda : Ditto, extemporaneously ditto.
Reaper : [mildly fuming] Now hold up y'all...[paces back and forth] I got you onto this show so I could return some goddamn culture to this bullshit of a circus. I pulled a lot of strings gettin' you geniuses here, and now I see you're no smarter than the damn strippers I had killed...I mean, I had so missed. Now, These questions can't be as hard as you 3 are makin' 'em out to be, so if I were y'all I'd get stupid real fast!!!......[sing-songy] Katie, your pick...
Katie : [apprehensive] Cash, grass, or ass for $200...
Reaper : "Purple Kush"...
(DING!)
Amanda?
Amanda : What is sex?
Reaper : Damn who you f*ckin? Anyone else?...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney : What is money?
Reaper : Jeez, were you guys in prison all your lives?!? Now Katie, I thnk you can get this one, right?!
Katie : What is weed?
Reaper : [super-sarcastic] Very good! Next week sexual positions!... Your pick Katie...
Katie : Cash, grass, or ass for $400...
Reaper : "Greenbacks"...
(DING!)
Amanda?
Amanda : What is weed?
Reaper : Nope...
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie : What is sex?
Reaper : WHAT?!? How the hell you get something sexual outta that?!?
Katie : Well, if you've ever seen pictures of those afflicted with gonorrhea it's perfectly logical.
Reaper : [exasperated]...Ok, whatever. [Sesame Street style]Courtney, do you have the only answer left?
Courtney : Why are you being so condescending?
Reaper : Goddamn! You can't even get that right?!?
Courtney : I was just asking you a simple..........Oh, that's right. Sorry about that, but why praytell are you being so crass?
Reaper : OK, which one of you ever had to deal with 3 really stupid bitches?
Amanda : I had to babysit 3 chihuauas with Tourette's syndrome.
Katie : I trained dogs in Anchorage that weren't too bright, they liked to do the humping.
Reaper : Those are d**es dude.
Katie : Now granted, they did grow up in Anchorage, but to retain that much water is quite impossible.
Reaper : No, d**es, rug munchers, latex lovers, pearl jammers!
Katie : ........Interesting nicknames for insects, are they from Ruritania?
Reaper : Just pick again Katie!
Reaper: Well thank the hell outta you. As you can see, after 5 seasons we just changed the damn name. Before I tell you the,(*giggle*), bad news, I have some e-mails to read...
From Braykin DaLau: "Reaper, can't you just declare a winner and regain your sanity?"...
Well, I tried that 2 seasons ago, but the contestants, uh, "paid a little lip service" to the producer. So now I still wait and end up with sloppy seconds...
Here's one from Dam Ahmloos: "Reaper, how can I get on the show? If I could stay there that long I'd make a lot of money".......
I'm not even gonna bother.
Now, to the horrible, terrible, rotten news......LMAO! OK, so I couldn't hold it... Our usual contestants, have died. Kiki died of carbon monoxide poisoning, Bubbles broke her neck doing her signature move at the local strip club, and Buffy is in a coma because she tried to bleach her hair from the inside. It's a sad day indeed, and now I'd like to take the time to thank them: For 5 seasons of bad jokes, good blowjobs, and allowing me to amass 2 years of vacation time. And in their honor, I will drink 3 boilermakers for actually givin' me a f*ckIN' CHANCE TO GET OUT THIS BITCH!!!.......
Damn, that felt good, well, let's meet our new blondes: Our first contestant is Katie Khumkacher; a microbiologist; 2nd we have Courtney Coxuka, a calculus teacher; and finally we have Amanda Swallow, Chairwoman of MENSA. OK, let's get this, yes?
Amanda: I was pondering why we were required to depigment our hair.
Reaper: (?)....Depigment? What, your hair was fat?
Amanda: No, depigment, to remove color.
Reaper: (?)...Remove color? Ain't blonde a color?
Amanda: Never mind you miscreant.
Reaper: Ummm, we speak English here, and for the record I'm a Mr.. Now, here are our categories...
Sex...
Drugs...
Rock N' Roll...
Proper Party Etiquette...
Cash, Grass, or Ass, I name a slang term and you tell me if stands for money, weed, or sex...
And Blonde Logic.....Y'all ain't gonna get it anyway...
Ok, Katie, Please get me outta here, I mean begin.
Katie: Ummm, what is the origin of these categories?
Reaper: Only the sex category has the orgy.
Katie: No, I mean how were these categories came into being?
Reaper: Ooooooh, some crazy f*ckhead in the back gets hella drunk and tries to write answers for 3 totally f*cked blondes they can figure out, hope you brushed up on your blonde logic.
Katie: Logic has no color.
Reaper: Oh really? A blonde is a lesbian, she finds out her lover is a man, what will she do?
Katie: Break up with him.
Reaper: And?
Katie: ...Find a new lover I guess.
Reaper: But before that?
Katie: .......I have no idea.
Reaper: She would cheat on him with her brother of course. Don't tell me you 3 are so smart you're stupid anyway...Katie, please pick a category, we're wasting time...
Katie: Drugs for 200...
Reaper: "This herb makes you happy, hungry, and horny"...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney: What is the Japanese centuries-old herb more commonly known as Yohimbe?
Reaper: Uhhhh, no, anyone else?
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie: What is the slowly-becoming-more-popular supplement St. John's Wort?
Reaper: Nope, Amanda?
Amanda: What is the opiate that, in layman's terms, are called poppies?
Reaper: Oh god, no. Katie, pick again...
Katie: Ummm...Rock n' Roll for $200...
Reaper : "This is either a very old band, or what a very old person ends up with"...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney : What are The Ink Spots?
Reaper : HELL NAH!, I mean, no...
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie : What is Grand Funk Railroad?
Reaper : [smacks forehead]...Nope, Amanda?
Amanda : What is Rage Against the Machine?
Reaper : Sorry, "The Rolling Stones" was the correct response. Are you guys even tryin'?
Courtney : Well, I am being logical, since these questions are for those beneath us, we have to answer at their level at the least.
Katie : I must concur her hypothesis, these were not the questions I trained for, so I have to pretend to be... stupid, for lack of a better term.
Amanda : Ditto, extemporaneously ditto.
Reaper : [mildly fuming] Now hold up y'all...[paces back and forth] I got you onto this show so I could return some goddamn culture to this bullshit of a circus. I pulled a lot of strings gettin' you geniuses here, and now I see you're no smarter than the damn strippers I had killed...I mean, I had so missed. Now, These questions can't be as hard as you 3 are makin' 'em out to be, so if I were y'all I'd get stupid real fast!!!......[sing-songy] Katie, your pick...
Katie : [apprehensive] Cash, grass, or ass for $200...
Reaper : "Purple Kush"...
(DING!)
Amanda?
Amanda : What is sex?
Reaper : Damn who you f*ckin? Anyone else?...
(DING!)
Courtney?
Courtney : What is money?
Reaper : Jeez, were you guys in prison all your lives?!? Now Katie, I thnk you can get this one, right?!
Katie : What is weed?
Reaper : [super-sarcastic] Very good! Next week sexual positions!... Your pick Katie...
Katie : Cash, grass, or ass for $400...
Reaper : "Greenbacks"...
(DING!)
Amanda?
Amanda : What is weed?
Reaper : Nope...
(DING!)
Katie?
Katie : What is sex?
Reaper : WHAT?!? How the hell you get something sexual outta that?!?
Katie : Well, if you've ever seen pictures of those afflicted with gonorrhea it's perfectly logical.
Reaper : [exasperated]...Ok, whatever. [Sesame Street style]Courtney, do you have the only answer left?
Courtney : Why are you being so condescending?
Reaper : Goddamn! You can't even get that right?!?
Courtney : I was just asking you a simple..........Oh, that's right. Sorry about that, but why praytell are you being so crass?
Reaper : OK, which one of you ever had to deal with 3 really stupid bitches?
Amanda : I had to babysit 3 chihuauas with Tourette's syndrome.
Katie : I trained dogs in Anchorage that weren't too bright, they liked to do the humping.
Reaper : Those are d**es dude.
Katie : Now granted, they did grow up in Anchorage, but to retain that much water is quite impossible.
Reaper : No, d**es, rug munchers, latex lovers, pearl jammers!
Katie : ........Interesting nicknames for insects, are they from Ruritania?
Reaper : Just pick again Katie!