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Post by Reaper696 on Feb 15, 2005 15:00:49 GMT -5
In the CEO's Office...
CEO : Hey guys, I've called you all here today to announce a new opprotunity. We've robbed enough people over the years to develop a new way to rob people: The Robbem, Hart, and Pfaast Mall, with 4- floor garage.
[The Board ooos and aahs]
...Yes, this project will bring in at least 300 million a year, if we sell the same quick-to-break-down-shit we've been anyway; and I've found the perfect location: 100,000 square feet in the heart of the city, with the parking garage to the east of the complex.
Board Member (BM) # 1 : Sir, doesn't this project go right through Sesame Street?
CEO : Don't worry, we only have to go through it once, haha.
[The Board chuckles softly]
BM # 2 : I don't think the tenants of Sesame Street will go quietly, there're some strange characters runnin' 'round there.
CEO : The hell do I care? I throw some money at them, they'll go away.
BM # 2 : Some of those guys have been there 35 years sir, that street's all they know.
CEO : [Waves finger at #2] When you leave today, make sure to pick yourself up some balls. [Loudly] Compassion never got anyone rich! I think I should describe what I see...
(To the tune of "In your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel...)
Cash, it's gets me hard, sometimes Without cash, there's nothing to fill my heart when I want to party hard I overcharge the public but however way I screw I come back to the reason I am
all my instincts, they scream greed and the grand facade, I still will need without some cash, and all I've tried They'll know what's on the inside...
in my eyes the power trip in my eyes I'll tighten my grip in my eyes I see the doorway, to a thousand more wallets in my eyes the revolution, of all the shiftless campaigns in my eyes I see peons 'round to take the heat in my eyes oh, I want my empire complete I want to screw the world And all I see in my eyes...
CEO : Ok, let's get this show on the road...
On Sesame Street...
Big Bird (BB) : Hey Snuff, let's go see the kids and play "Find the Food Stamps".
Snuff : Ok Bird, we could stop at the store and get some peanuts.
BB : Uhhh, Snuff? We need money for that.
Snuff : Money? What's that?
BB : It's that green stuff those guys behind the cameras keep begging for every couple of years.
Snuff : Oh...Say Bird, what's that sign over there?
BB : Hmmm, "Coming soon, The Robbem, Hart, and Pfaast Mall, with 4- floor garage". Cool, we could go window shopping close to home.
Snuff : Uhhh Bird? I don't see where they're gonna put it.
BB : Oh Snuff, it say right here they're gonna put it.....[looks at Snuff]......Uh-oh, we gotta tell everybody...
Further down Sesame Street...
Kid # 1 : I'm bored. Let's play "Cops and Pimps".
Kid # 2 : Naaah, let's play "Parole Office".
Kid # 3 : Jeez you guys are lame, let's just go play with my PS2 like we always do.
Kid # 1/2 : OK!
[They were about to walk up the stoop when BB and Snuff walk up]
#nosmileys
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Post by Reaper696 on Feb 15, 2005 15:01:46 GMT -5
BB : Wait guys, we got a problem.
Kid # 3 : No, you gotta a problem, I got a Playstation, and Momma don't allow pets. Ha ha!
Snuff : No, we're losing our home.
Kid # 3 : No we ain't, Momma paid the rent.
BB : Somebody's building a mall on this street, we're all........moving...
(To the tune of "Love Don't Live Here Anymore"...)
From that sign right there Our love nest ain't here anymore Gotta find somewhere to be Our love nest ain't here anymore
We've been here 35 years No trouble, not even a beer For the first time I might shed tears Things were fine until today We're gonna have to go away
From that sign right there Our love nest ain't here anymore Gotta find somewhere to be Our love nest ain't here anymore Don't know nowhere else Our love nest ain't here anymore Stuck in the rest of the world Our love nest ain't here anymore...
Kid # 3 : Oh get off it, all we gotta do is protest.
Kid # 2 : What's that?
Kid # 3 : It's where you stand with a sign and scream until you get your way.
Kid # 1 : Like we do with our mommies?
Kid # 3 : Yeah, but no spankings.
Kid # 1/2 : Cool!
BB : Yeah, we'll get everyone together and protest. Come on guys!...
The next day...
[Various kids and muppets are standing on each end of the block]
Kid # 1 : AAAAAAAAAH!!!
Kid # 3 : Dude, what are you doing?
Kid # 1 : You said we're supposed to be standing here screaming.
Kid # 3 : Jeez, I meant we're supposed to be saying some rhyming stuff. Do I gotta help you across the street too?
Kid # 1 : My mommy won't let me.
[Kid # 3 shakes his head]
Kid # 2 : Well, let's say some rhyming stuff.
Kid # 1 : OK, Some rhyming stuff! Some rhyming stuff!
Kid # 3 : No, no, no.
Elmo : I got an idea, let's just say go away?
Kid # 1/2/3 : [They look at each other]....OK.
[The kids and Elmo stand there screaming "Let's just say go away!" as Bert and Ernie walk to them]
Bert : Ummm, what all this?
Kid # 2 : We're protesting.
Ernie : Oh, I wanna play.
Kid # 3 : We ain't playin' Ernie, they're tryin to take our home away.
Bert : That's stealing.
Kid # 3 : Not if you have enough money it ain't.
Ernie : Wow...
(To the tune of "Rubber Ducky")
This is sucky, and no fun, Someone's tryin' to make us run This is sucky so I'm gonna make it stop...
This is sucky, to the max, I'm gonna fill his undies with wax This is sucky and I'm gonna call the cops...
Kid # 3 : That ain't gonna work either, the guy bought the ground under us. He can do whatever he wants with it.
Bert : Did you call him and tell him people are living here?
Kid # 3 : He don't care, he wants his money and that mall is his money.
Bert : Well how about, huh?!?...
[They turn to see a crew of bulldozers come up to both sides of the street]
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Post by Reaper696 on Feb 15, 2005 15:02:42 GMT -5
Cookie Monster (CM) : What we do?
Kid # 3 : Stall 'em!
Kid # 2 : Arrest 'em!
Kid # 1 : Give 'em some lemonade!
[Kid # 3 shakes his head]
Kid # 3 : Must be nice bein' so innocent. Hey C-note! Can you stall 'em? I'm gonna make a phone call!
CM : OK, me do that...
[CM goes to one corner]
...You want cookie?
[The constructin crew look at each other strangely]
...Come on, you want, cooookie?
Crewman # 1 : No, we want you to get out of our way! We don't get paid by the hour!
CM : ......Oh, me sing song then!
Crewman # 1 : No!
CM : OK!...
(To the tune of "C is For Cookie"...)
C's for cut this crap, and cut this crap out now! C's for cut this crap, and cut this crap out now! C's for cut this crap, and cut this crap out now! Cut it, cut it, cut it! You stupid little cow!
[CM shakes booty]
C's for ciss my butt, and ciss it all day long! C's for ciss my butt, and ciss it all day long! C's for ciss my butt, and ciss it all day long! Ciss it, ciss it ciss it! especially my thong!
Kid # 2 : Hey Cookie, doesn't kiss start with K?
CM : ......Oh.....yeah.....You know what else starts with K?
Kid # 2 : Kid?
CM: And?
Kid # 1 : Kilamanjaro!
CM/Kid # 2 : Huh?
Kid # 1 : And Kangaroo! And Kool Aid! And...
CM : Wait, me tell you...
[CM runs up to the crewman on one of the bulldozers]
K's for kick you butt! Up and down the street! K's for kick you butt! Up and down the street! K's for kick you butt! Up and down the street! You shoulda took my cookie! I was tryin' to be sweet!
K's for know trespassing! I think you better leave! K's for know trespassing! I think you better leave! K's for know trespassing! I think you better leave! I don't even no, what even rhymes with leave!
Kid # 2 : Uhhh, Cookie? The no you want begins with N and not K.
CM : ......Oh,....You know what else begins with N?
Kid # 2 : Nice!
CM : And?
Kid # 1 : Nincompoop!
CM : You strange kid.
Kid # 1 : I just wanted to say poop! poop! poooooop! You funny furry thing! HAHAHAHA!!!
Kid # 2 : Uhhhh, so what does begin with N?
CM : Me tell you!...
[CM goes after the rest of the crew]
N's for nice and painful! That's what I give to you! N's for nice and painful! That's what I give to you! N's for nice and painful! That's what I give to you! How does it feel?! To be all black and blue?!?
[Lots of ow's and oh's abound]
N's for nots, the nots up on your head! N's for nots, the nots up on your head! N's for nots, the nots up on your head! If these kids no around, I'd bet you you'd be dead!
Kid # 2 : Uh oh.
Kid # 1 : Hey Cookie, knots begin with
[Kid # 2 covers # 1's mouth]
Kid # 2 : Shhhh, he'll go through the whole alphabet.
[Cops roll up and take CM away as news vans enter the scene]
CM : Want my cookies!
Cop # 1 : All you get is your one phone call pal.
CM : I get phone cookie?
Cop # 1 : Uuuugh.
Kid # 3 : I got it all under control, the news vans are here. I also called Uncle Johnnie.
Kid # 2 : What's your Uncle gonna do?
Kid # 3 : He's gonna sue so we can get free rent for a year.
Kid # 2 : He can't get our home back?
Kid # 3 : Maybe, he'll see when he gets here.
Kid # 1 : Is he gonna hold his breah 'til they go away?
Kid # 3 : Nope, he's gonna dress up like you, then hold his breath 'til they go away.
Kid # 1 : Wow, he's really smart.
Kid # 2 : Uh huh, hey what's that?
[2 limos pull up and the news vans split up to get the scoop. The CEO and Johnnie Cochran (JC) both step out and are swarmed]
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Post by Reaper696 on Feb 15, 2005 15:03:52 GMT -5
JC : I think this is cold and insesitive what this, man,...Is doing to thes kids and.....Animals?...Anyway, if he doesn't quit I'll make him split!
CEO : What Mr. Cochran forgets to mention is that I've purchased the land here legally, and I intend to make the most of this opprotunity.
JC : Whether legal or not, it's the principle here. there are 3 generations on this, street. Many high-profile people have given to this street, and continue to even now. But here he is basically ruining a lot of childhoods.
CEO : Now what he's forgetting is that I offered him a job at my firm. JC : You did?
CEO : Yeah, about 2 minutes ago, I believe I offered you 750K a year and 10% of profits?
JC : ......Oh yeah, when do I start?
CEO : Well, you can tell the guy in the limo drinkin' all the Scotch he's fired, we'll talk later, partner.
JC : OK...
Kid # 2 : What happened?
Kid # 3 : He got a bigger paycheck, can't blame him.
Kid # 2 : Well, what can we do?
Kid # 3 : Well, you could take over the corporation, or offer Uncle Johnnie more money.
Kid # 2 : OK...
[He runs into his house, then runs out towards JC heading into the limo]
....Excuse me.
JC : What can I do for ya?
Kid # 2 : Here...
[He reaches into his pockets and gives him a large wad of play money]
I want you to help us save our home, is it enough?
[JC looks somber, and shakes his head]
JC : Sorry, this is the wrong kind of money.
Kid # 2 : Can you help us anyway?
JC : Sorry, I just got a job with him, I gotta go where the money is...
(To the tune of "Money [That's what I want]"...)
You can go out and change the world But do you know how you'll even get heard? It takes money honey, that's all you need... That's all you need, just money...
You can be cool, you can be bright But the only way to prove you're right Is havin' money honey, that's all you need... That's all you need, just money...
It's been like before you were born And if you're broke you'll end up with scorn You need money honey, that all you need... That all you need, just money...
Money don't get everything, it's true But if you wanna stop all the abuse You need money honey. that's all you need... That's all you need, just money...
Kid # 2 : .......Oh.......Ok...
[Kid # 2 somberly walks off toward the other 2 kids.]
Ernie : Hey there, what's the matter?
Kid # 2 : [blubbering] We're gonna lose our home.
Kid # 3 : I got good news and bad news for ya.
Kid # 1 : You're gonna give us lemonade you peed in?
[Kid # 3 shakes his head]
Kid # 3 : The good news is, this isn't so bad.
Kid # 2 : Well what's the bad news?
Kid # 3 : It can only get worse.
[Kid # 2 bawls at the top of his lungs]
BB : Hey, let a smile be your umbrella.
Kid # 2 : They're gonna take that too!
BB : Awwww.....Hey, I got an idea, lemme go talk to Oscar.
[BB walks to his garbage can and knocks on the lid]
Oscar : What?!?
BB : Say, who do you think can help us keep our home?
Oscar : [sarcastically] The President!
BB : Thanks Oscar, you'e not as grouchy as people say.
Oscar : Oh yeah? Wait'll you get the bill...
[BB goes to the pay phone and calls the White House. 20 minutes later the official White House limo pulls up. The Prez walks out and waves to everyone as the Secret Service sets up his podium.]
Bush : My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that a certain injustice is being committed here. I see all these adults, children, and......the rest looking so sad I can't let this go through.
[CEO runs toward the podium]
CEO : Shrub!
Bush : Barracuda, is that you?
CEO : Ya dang skippy it is!
[Bush and CEO hug]
Kid # 3 : Uh oh...
Bush : Say, are you here protestin' too?
CEO : Nope, I'm the one bein' protested.
Bush : Uh oh, I'm here kissin' booty, I can't just turn around and leave.
CEO :[matter of factly] If you want me to contribute to your brother's Presidential campaign, you'll find a way.
[Bush walks back to his podium]
Bush : It seems I was mistaken in my reports, this is a legal matter. And the proper parties know the proper channels to get the proper response, whatever they may be. Thank you...
Reporter # 1 : Sir, you were just standing behind these protesters, what gives?
Bush : No comment.
Reporter # 2 : Sir, you seem to have a friendship with the CEO, is this why you're leaving so soon?
Bush : No comment.
Kid # 1 : Can I push the button?
Bush : [looks at him like he eats his teeth].....No com...Just no. Lemme just make this simple to all you press guys real quick...
(To the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton...)
You can ask of my work Or if I am a jerk No comment... You can ask 'bout my life Or how I got that wife No comment... You can ask if I smoke Or even if I toke No comment... You can ask 'bout my staff Now guess what makes me laugh? No comment...
Ask all day All I'll say All I'll say No comment...
Ask about all my plans Or if I screw a man No comment... Think about what I run And ask if I have fun No comment... Ask about favorite jokes Or my stash of good coke No comment... Maybe ask 'bout my drawls Or late-night phone sex calls No comment...
Ask all day All I'll say All I'll say No comment...
..............Thank you America.
[Bush runs to his limo and takes off. BB heads back to Oscar's garbage can. BB knocks on the lid]
Oscar : What?!?
BB : Your idea didn't work, the President didn't save our home.
Oscar : Well, whadaya expect me to do about it?
BB : Well, since you live here too I thought you'd like to help keep it.
Oscar : [looks at him like he blew a boiling beer fart] Wait, no one's tryin' to take your nest?
BB : No, these guys in the Tonka trucks are gonna tear down the whole street.
Oscar : What?!? I don't think so! Lemme make a phone call...
[Oscar ducks into his can, 5 minutes later he pops back up]
....OK, I got somebody comin' to take care of this. Try to take my can will they?
[Oscar mumbles while he closes his lid]
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Post by Reaper696 on Feb 15, 2005 15:04:31 GMT -5
BB : Thank you Oscar. [walks back to group] Hey guys, Oscar called someone to help us.
Group : Oscar???
BB : Yeah.
Kid # 2 : Who?
BB : I dunno.
Kid # 1 : Hey, he probably knows Super Trash Man!
Kid # 3 : Take your Ritalin, Oscar ain't call nobody but Fred Sanford.
Kid # 1 : [mildly frustrated] Hey, he could call Mega Mommy!
Kid # 2 : How 'bout I call you a
Kid # 3 : Hey! The cameras are still rollin y'all. [Looks at the corner] Who's that?
[They look to see an Escalade screech up. A slightly overweight middle-aged man walks out to the garbage can and knocks on the lid]
? : A! I got yo' message! Who f*ckin' witcha?
[Oscar pops up]
Oscar : Hey Tony, we got some CEO tryin' to rip off our street.
Tony : Oh really? Who's he runnin' with?
Oscar : Robbem, Pfaast, and Hart.
[Tony laughs like he sold a bag of farts]
Tony : That guy can't do anything to this street, I just gotta remind we Sopranos got his balls in a sling.
[Tony walks up to the CEO who's answering to the press about the new mall.]
A! Remember me?!?
CEO : Uhhh, no? Can't say that I do.
Tony : Well, lemme jog yo' f*ckin' memory a bit. My family's got interest in this street, and I think you should leave it alone or things'll get hairier than your back for ya.
CEO : [angrily] I will not be extorted by some street thug!
Tony : I dunno 'bout that, you f*ckin' forget I got some info on ya ya dumbass.
CEO : Well, I have a lawyer that says you don't.
Tony : [smugly] OK f*ck face, [pulls out an envelope] I believe this is you in the cheerleader outfit suckin' on this goddamn muffler; I also believe this is you with some fat bitch in the tutu spankin' your hairy ass with a broomstick; And I also believe
CEO : Wait, I think there has been a mistake in my department. This is a rotten location for a mall, and I will be firing the responsible parties. [emphatically] Heads will roll people.
Tony : Like how your head's rollin' on the Mayor's
CEO : [loudly] Thanks for comin'!
[Tony walks over to everyone congregated around Oscar's garbage can]
Tony : I don' think he'll be f*ckin' with y'all anymore.
Oscar : Thanks Tony, I'll keep you posted on things.
Tony : Good, and make sure that bitch of a leiutenant gives you my f*ckin' money!
Oscar : You got it.
BB : [shakin' head] Ummm, Mr. Tony?
Tony : The f*ck you want?
BB : There's all these kids present, and I think you're setting a bad example for them.
[Tony looks around and see the 3 kids looking at him awe-struck]
Tony : Aw man, listen guys, and listen good, I'm only gonna say this once...
[Music starts]
[loudly] The f*ck is this man?!?
BB : [points to the 3 kids] Tony?...
Tony : Aw shit, I'm f*ckin' sorry y'all...
(To the tune of "The Alphabet Song"...)
Kids you shouldn't f*ckin' swear The goddamn shit won't get you anywhere If you got no goddamn class You mom'll beat yo' f*ckin' ass Kids you shouldn't f*ckin' swear The goddamn shit won't get you anywhere....
Kids you shouldn't f*ckin' swear The goddamn shit won't get you anywhere Don't say c*nt and dick and bitch d**e or f** or f*ckin' witch Kids you shouldn't f*ckin swear The goddamn shit won't get you anywhere...
I gotta go y'all, my business never sleeps, only the competition.
[Tony jumps back in his Escalade and screeches off]
Kid # 3 : Well, I guess I'm gonna go play PS2.
Kid # 2 : Good idea....What's he doin?
[Kid # 1 is running up and down the street]
Kid # 1 : [loudly] We shouldn't f*ckin' swear! We shouldn't f*ckin' swear!
Kid # 2 : You think we should tell 'im to stop?
Kid # 3 : Ain't our spankin'.
Kid # 2 : Good point...
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Post by MirrorImage || egamIrorriM on Aug 17, 2005 13:55:23 GMT -5
again, brilliant....
how do you come up with these?
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Post by Reaper696 on Aug 17, 2005 15:31:24 GMT -5
All I do is add possible fact to fictional situations, which is why the series is called Heroes in the Real World. I'm working on Knight Rider and Cheech and Chong right now, stay tuned...
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Post by MirrorImage || egamIrorriM on Aug 17, 2005 19:33:30 GMT -5
oh, believe me, im riveted..
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 26, 2005 19:55:26 GMT -5
Alas, C+C are doing a movie, and to avoid plaigerizing I'm working on Blonde Jeopardy 3 until I see how that writer dealt with such a green fixture. (OK, so I wanna know if I had a better idea)...
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