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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 15:55:16 GMT -5
In a parking lot...
KITT : Michael, I've been thinking.
Mike : What about KITT?
KITT : Well, I've notice throughout all our travels that people call their cars "she", but my voice is male. Does that mean I'm gay?
Mike : [confused] Uhhhhh, I, don't, know. It's not something I ever thought about.
KITT : It's been on my mind for many years Michael, but there's no one I can talk to that is like me, except for KARR, and he's somebody's 12-pack by now.
Mike : True, but you're sounding like you're lonely, what gives?
KITT : Michael, I do feel alone. I can't do what you do with those, hos, as you say. I want to do that, even if only once, to feel like I belong. I can't even talk to the cars I'm interested in.
Mike : Still depressed over that Escalade huh?
KITT : Did you see the headlights on her? [somberly] She didn't even so much as honk at me. Bitch.
Mike : Hey, you're better than that. You're a unique car, how many cars can talk to people?
KITT : Just me, at least without sounding like a total nerd.
Mike : It's spaz now KITT.
KITT : Oh, OK.
Mike : OK, now, how many cars can drive themselves?
KITT : Just me.
Mike : Now, how many cars like you are in syndication?
KITT : ...Wow, just me.
Mike : See? Isn't that special?
KITT : Why yes...Yes it is Michael.
[The communicator tweets]
Devon : Michael, I need you to find a taupe Topaz, it contains one of Bill Gates' safes. The report says that there's $40,000,000.48 in it. I know I can count on you to find it.
Mike : Will do Devon, is there a reward for it?
Devon : Yes there is as a matter of fact, you get next year's Windows for free.
Mike : Lucky me, I'm already driving a computer.
Devon : Oh well, let me know when you've found it.
[The communicator clicks off]
Mike : Looks like we got a job to do, but what the hell's a taupe Topaz?
KITT : Taupe is the color of the Mercury Topaz in question Michael.
Mike : Ok, that makes more sense, now what the hell color is taupe?
KITT : It's the color between mauve and fuschia.
Mike : [confused] Oooook, what's that in English?
KITT : Remember the tapioca and hot chocolate you threw up the other day?
Mike : Yeah, last time I ever take your advice on food.
KITT : Well, it's that color.
Mike : Ok, it should be easy to find then. Good thing I already know what a Topaz looks like.
KITT : A Taurus?
Mike : No, a Topaz KITT.
KITT : Right, a Taurus?
Mike : Topaz.
KITT : Taurus.
Mike : Nevermind that, there it is.
[They pull into a truck stop restaurant where the taupe Topaz is parked. Mike sneaks up to the trunk and tries to jimmy the lock. Seeing that that's useless, he calls KITT]
Mike : Hey buddy, I can't get this lock open, got any ideas?
KITT : Well Michael, you could use your brute strength.
Mike : Very funny, don't you have a laser or something?
KITT : .....I do have one thing, finesse.
Mike : Well, finesse this puppy.
KITT : Ok, stand back.
[Mike gets out of the way as KITT rams the trunk open and the safe is freed]
Mike : Finesse huh?
KITT : Hey, I saved us time didn't I?
Mike : True.
[Mike takes the tiny safe as the thieves run out, Mike runs to KITT and turbos out of there to a restaurant 20 miles away. Knight Industries meets him there and Mike gives Devon the safe. Mike then goes into the restaurant for a bite to eat.]
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 15:56:05 GMT -5
In the restaurant...Mike : Excuse me, could I get some service?
Uta : [in shock] Mitch! Mitch Buchannon! Oh my God! You can have all the service you want baby! I watch Baywatch just to see you! Woohoo!
Mike : Ummm, my name's Michael.
Uta : Oh, OK. [winks like a rookie] Well, Michael, what can I get you? A furburger perhaps?
Mike : Uhhh, I think I'll have some bacon and eggs.
Uta : I gots some eggs for ya, [leans in close and throws chewing tobacco breath at Mike] you can lay them any time you want.
Mike : [fake smile] Uhhhh, I'll keep that in mind.
Uta : Well you do that, I got something those beach bitches ain't got.
Mike : [under his breath] Weight?
Uta : What was that?
Mike : [covering up] Uhhh, Wait, I'd also like some orange juice too.
Uta : You got it sugar, I'll even give it to ya for free. [trying to be sexy] I'll give ya something else for free too.
Mike : It's OK, I'm fine right hair, here.
Uta : OK sugah, just lemme know if you need anything....[leans closer]anything.
[Uta leavs and Mike shivers as someone wals up]
? : Excuse me.
Mike : [stops shivering] Huh?
?: Is that your car out there?
Mike : Uhhh, yeah.
? : Nice ride you got there.
Mike : Yeah, he treats me good.
? : He?
Mike : Uhhhhh, yeah. He's a he.
? : [looking at him fruity style] Uhhhh, OK, how fast does, he, go?
Mike : [guarded] About 110.
? : That's strange, when that queermobile you was chasin' went by I clocked you at at least 180.
Mike : Well, the wind was blowin' my way.
? : [hesitantly acts wise] OoooooK, OH, I'm Randy, Randy McBillybob. You probably seen me racin' in the Phartnocka 500.
Mike : [hesitantly acts wise] Uhhhh, yeah, I remember you.
Randy : Good, good. What team do you race for?
Mike : Uhhhhh, Knight Industries, we're a, small outfit.
Randy : Oooh, that's why I never heard of ya.
Mike : Yeah, we're still in the testing phase.
Randy : In the testing phase? That puppy was movin'! What you testin, some Star Trek shit?
Mike : Uhhhh, nope, just makin' sure that it stays in one piece.
Randy [with sly smile] Oooooooooh, what you runnin'?
Mike : Uhhhhhhhhhhh, they didn't tell me. [leans in] Too top secret, ya know?
Randy : [with sly smile] Yeah, I gotcha. Can I see it?
Mike : Sure.
[As they walk out, Uta sees them]
Uta : Now I know you don't swing that way Mitch!
Mike : Nope, just goin' to my car for a sec.
Uta : OK honey, just remember I'm here for ya all day long sugah.
Mike : [under breath] Don't remind me ya whore.
Uta : What was that?
Mike : Uhhhh, I said Oh, remind me some more.
Uta : Anytime.
Out in the parking lot...
[Mike opens KITT's hood and Randy drools]
Randy : Hoooo Wee! You got the goddamn Space Shuttle in there!
Mike : Naah, just a bunch of nerds who couldn't afford hookers.
Randy : It don't matter, it beats the shit outta my car.
Mike : Where is your car?
Randy : Oh, uhhh, I kinda lost it.
Mike : It got stolen?
Randy : Nope, I gambled it away bettin' on Wrestlemania. Woulda lost my nuts too if Vince didn't run in with that chair.
Mike : Sorry to hear that, isn't your sponsor pissed at you?
Randy : Oh no, we have an understanding, as long as I win I can do anything I want.
Mike : So your race is a couple months away huh?
Randy : Nope, it's in about 3 hours.
Mike : Cuttin' it pretty close aren't ya?
Randy : Not with my pit crew I'm not. Guys, tar and fethuh time!!!
[The pit crew runs up, strips, gags,tapes to a chair, and tattoos (with their sponsors) Mike in 4.2 secs. and throw him in the dumpster]
Mike : You won't get away with this, KITT'll take care of you.
Randy : Who the hell is KITT?
Mike : [with sly smile] You'll see.
Randy : Yeah, whatever. [smarmy-like] Say hello to my main sponsor ya queer.
[Randy takes the Tampax sticker and smashes it on Mike's mouth]
...Tampax, for when you gotta stop the flow. [sighs, then turns to the pit crew] See y'all at the track!
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 15:56:52 GMT -5
[Randy runs to KITT and jumps in]
KITT : And who might you be?
Randy : [shocked] The f*ck?
KITT : Hmmm, interesting name Mr. f*ck, were you adopted?
Randy : Naw man, how can you talk, and why is it so damn fruity?
KITT : I was born with it, kind of like that, fruity name of yours, Mr. f*ck.
Randy : My name's not f*ck, it's Randy McBillybob.
KITT : I don't know, that sounds pretty f*cked to me also.
Randy : Now listen here you.......Wait a minute, I'm talkin' to a damn car!
[Randy tries to start up KITT and KITT clicks off. This repeats 2 more times]
...Lemme guess, you did that huh?
KITT : That is correct, what did you do with Michael?
Randy : Michael?
KITT : The one who you stole those keys from?
Randy : ....Oooooh, you mean Mitch. He decided to have some fun with the waitress.
KITT : Mitch?
Randy : Yeah, the guy's name is Mitch. He usually does [clears throat] "lifeguard duty" on the bay.
KITT : He never told me about that.
Randy : Yeah, he's been on that beach for 16 years.
KITT : [angered] What?! I've been with him for 20 years and he never told me. He...[dejected] lied to me.
[The wiper fluid sprays the windshield]
Randy : [confused] Uhhhh, yeah. Say listen, I can take care of you better than he ever could. I bet he never took you out for a cruise did he?
KITT : No, I did most of the driving, I had to do all the parallel parking, I even had to change my own oil. Why that little...
[The wiper fluid sprays the windshield, KITT wipes the windshield]
...Sorry, Mr. McBillybob, I just didn't think I'd feel this...betrayed.
Randy : No problem, uhhh, just what is your name anyway?
KITT : I'm called KITT.
Randy : KITT? Now what kinda queer name is that?
KITT : I'll have you know I'm proud of being queer. Perhaps you should be too.
[KITT puts himself into gear and screeches onto the road]
Randy : Whoa whoa, I'm sorry there KITT. Say, how would you like to be well loved?
KITT : I could really use that right now.
Randy : OK, you stay with me we'll travel the world, show everyone that you're the man, uhh, car.
KITT : Hmmmm, I've never left the country before.
Randy : Listen, I race cars for a livin', and I can tell you got some speed unda that hood.
KITT : I can go about 250 MPH.
Randy : You're shittin' me!
KITT : I'm sorry, I'm not equipped to shit anything, could you rephrase your question?
Randy : Naw, I mean that can't be right. Ain't no car on earth that can go that fast!
KITT : I can
[KITT turbos to 230 then slows down]
Randy : Oh my god, wanna race today?
KITT : Why I'd love to Randy.
Randy : YEEHAW!!! To the track Kitty!
KITT : Ummm, my name is KITT.
Randy : Uhhh, well, there are soome people there who need to get to know first. Most of them guys have only seen women cars you see? So, for the time bein' how 'bout we call you Kitty 'til they like you as much as I do.
KITT : OK, but don't try to put on one of those goofy bras on me.
Randy : No problem, but I will have to put on some tattoos on ya, I get paid to have those on.
KITT : Will I get paid too?
Randy : ......I think I can get you some fuzzy dice for ya...
In the restaurant dumpster...
Mike : [to himself] Well damn, now what am I gonna do?
[Uta walks out with the day's clam chowder and tosses it into the dumpster]
...MMMMMMM!
Uta : Da hell?
Mike : MMMMMM!
Uta : Hmm, looks like my boss done left his vibrator behind da dumpster again. [She checks behind to see nothing there]
....hmm, dat's strange.
Mike : MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
[Uta stares at the dumpster]
Uta : ....Well hell, I ain't bringin' it back with clam chowder on it, people'll get the wrong idea about me. He can git it his damn self.
[Mike frantically tries to scurry around as he "screams"]
.....Damn, what batteries he got in there?
[Mike stops squirming and starts humming the Baywatch theme]
...Aw man, don't tell me I left my TV in there again.
[Uta reaches in the dumpster and pulls a good amount of Mike's hair]
Mike : MMMMMM!!!!
Uta : [disappointed] Now who left this possum in here? Everybody knows I keep spare meat for emergencies.
[She pulls up hard and sees a clam-chowder-covered Mike]
....Well damn, you a kinky little bastard ain't ya? Too much time in California sugah.
Mike : MM, mmm,mmmm,mmmm,MMMM.
Uta : Oh, sorry sweetie balls.
[She rips off the Tampax sticker covering his mouth]
Mike : OW! f*ck!
[Uta rubs his hair]
Uta : Shhhh baby, someone might wanna join in.
Mike : [shit-his-pants shocked] Huh?!?
Uta : I want you all to myself sugah. You know I want you, that's why you're here fulfillin' my biggest fantasy of ya.
Mike : [trembling] Oh God.
Uta : That's my line baby, time to get mounted.
[She jumps into the dumpster and, you know]...
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 15:57:32 GMT -5
2 hours later...
[Mike stumbles from the back to the diner to the front. He remembers how naked he is and strategically places the rest of the sponsor stickers as he sees a trucker in his rig listening to his radio]
Trucker : The hell are you? One of dem fruity booties?!?
Mike : No, I was robbed of my car and my clothes, can you help me?
Trucker : Not in that shit I ain't, and whut duz "no" mean?
Mike : Uhhhhh...Huh?
Trucker : Don't you talk no Anglisssh, wut da hell duz no mean?
Mike : [straw grasping] Uhhh, I dunno good buddy, I just, Juzzz made dat up there good buddy.
Trucker : Well, be a little more considerate wit' who ya talkin' to? You ain't frum 'round here is ya?
Mike : No, nope, good buddy. I need to get to the fuzzy-wuzzies good buddy.
Trucker : [apprehensive].....You frum Calipornia ain't ya?
Mike : Uhhhh, where's them parts?
Trucker : You know, where all dem fruits and nuts come from. Wit dat goofy hair and them wannabe NASCAR tattoos you gotsta be frum dair.
Mike: You see, some race car driver stole all my stuff good buddy.
Trucker : I dunno man, you'll gimme some queer cooties or sumthin'.
Mike : Ssssssssh!
[Mike turns his ear to Trucker's radio and the beginning of a race]
Announcer : Welcome to the Fuctup 500! Brought to you by the long line of Fuctup products: If you buy it over and over, it's got to be Fuctup! Today looks like it's gonna be a booty burner! It seems Randy McBillybob made a last-minute decision as to what car he's driving for this race. Our sources tell us that he calls it Kitty and he gaurantees a win. Well we'll just see about that huh?
Mike : Please, you gotta take me to the racetrack.
Trucker : Not in dem drawls I ain't!
Mike : Do you have any clothes?
Trucker : Shit yeah, I'm wearin' 'em now.
Mike : No, I mean do you have any extra clothes.
Trucker : Yep, at home.
Mike :[exasperated] Oh God help me!
[Uta walks out towards Mike and Trucker]
Uta : Say sweetie, since ya still nekkid how 'bout round 2?
Mike : [slyly] Well, only if I can get some clothes to put on. I gotta go get my car and then we can go 12 rounds, [gulps hard] baby.
[Uta gushes and drags Mike to the tool shed...45 minutes later Mike walks towards Trucker wearing one of Uta's work shirts, and that's it]
[super desparate] Please get me outta here, I can't handle that walking toxic waste anymore.
Trucker : Now why should I help some California cuckoo like you?
Mike : [Mildly angered yet slyly]......Well, if you don't help me then the writer can't finish and we'll be just sitting here arguing over nothing for eternity when we could just move this along and later get paid when he sells this goofy script.
Trucker : How much I git?
Mike : [conceitedly] Well, since you're not as popular as me you'll only be paid scale.
Trucker : [looks at him like he just shit gold] Scale? Hell yeah! Come on in! I got 6 tons right here! Shit, that'll git me enough to buy Dale Earnhardt's mustache! YEEEEEEHAW!!!
Mike : [looks at him like he smoked a joint full of manure] OK...
At the racetrack...
Randy : We're gonna kick ass today Kitty!
KITT : Strange, I don't see any donkeys around.
Randy : Huh?
KITT : Jackasses?
Randy : [confused]........OK, we're gonna kick jackass today then, no sense arguin', huh good buddy [pats dashboard]?
KITT : No Randy, I love you too much to even try.
Randy : What you say?
KITT : I said I love you Randy, you treat me well. You gave me mechanics, you don't leave bodily fluids on my seats, you gave me these, how you say? f*ckin' bitchin' tattoos on my body. I feel alive, not some toy to be played with.
Randy : [nervously] Well don't say that too loud, I don't need no queer tag on me.
Pit Crew Member (PCM) #1 : Let's go Randy, we got 10 minutes!
Randy : Time to go to greatness Kitty.
[The pit crew walks the car to the pit spot, fills it up, checks the engine, and rolls it toward the starting line]
KITT : Randy........, what... was that you put in my tank?
Randy : That's racing fuel, mega-moonshine baby. It'll put sum vroom in your zoom.
KITT : I feel, hee hee, I feel, whoa, so..........f*ckin' bitchin' man! I love you Randy! I f*ckin' love you man!
[The pit crew looks at KITT and Randy]
Randy : [stammering] Uhhh, that's a lil' sumthin' I put in to juke out the other racers. Heh heh, ain't it cool?
[The pit crew looks at him like he drank Drano with a shot of lime and walk away shaking their heads]
.....Whew, Kitty, don't do that. I got a
KITT : [smarmy style] My name, is KITT.
Randy : I know, we just callin' you Kitty 'til these guys get to know you. I can't just tell 'em you're a talking car dude.
KITT : Well I suggest you tell 'em summin'......Or I AM!
Randy : OK OK, I'll tell 'em after the race...
During the race...
[KITT starts bumping other drivers]
Randy : The hell you doin'? Can I drive us through this?
KITT : Jus' a damn minute! You seh you wud let me duhsum drivin'.
Randy : I will, but the rules here say I gotta do the drivin', you can drive us back to the hotel.
KITT : I WANNA DRIFE NAAAAH MUTHAFUGGA!!!
Randy : [to himself] Shit, how da hell am I gonna explain a drunk car?
KITT : DAFUGYASAY?!?
Randy : Look, we gotta finish this race, then you can drive us back to the hotel.
KITT : DERE YA GO! TREEDIN ME LIKA SHLAVE! MEN! AAAAAUGH!
[Randy smacks his forehead]
Randy : Now look, I told you 'bout how things work here. Now if you can't handle your liquor, I mean gas I'll cut you off it. Ya hear?
KITT : [somberly].....OK, I be gud, butya godda say ya luvmay.
Randy : [shocked as hell] WHAT?!?
KITT : Yaherdmay, shay you wuv me Rrrrrrrrrandyyyyyyyy. Shayit shweedy.
Randy : [more pissed than a port-a-potty].....I love you Kitty.
[KITT slams on the brakes]
KITT : [quiet riot] It's KITT, Randy.
Randy : [crackhead nervous] Cum on KITT, we can win this!
KITT : [smarmy] No, RRRRRandy, I, can win dis raysh.
Randy : [defeated]......OK, you can win this race.
KITT : I wancha tuh tellmay you luvmay.
Randy : I told you I loved you.
KITT : [brat style] I wanna hee it uhgayan!
Randy : I love you KITT, forever and ever always.
KITT : If I windis, yuhfukmay.
Randy : [more shocked than a serial killer] WHAT?!?
KITT : Yuh herdmay, yougonnafukmay, an,gudtoo, muhfuka.
Randy : .........Alright, you got it. Let's win this race already.
[KITT then turbo boosts past the other racers, laps them 4 times and wins the race]...
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 15:57:58 GMT -5
In the pit...
Randy : Damn good run you had out there! We're gonna go far.
KITT : Ahem, Iwanmyfukin' now Rrrrrrrranday!
Randy : Here?!? I'll be the goddamn laughin' stock of the world!
KITT : [smarmy] You sed yaf*ckin' ludmay!
Randy : OK OK, let's go to the garage and I'll...[defeatedly] take care of ya...
In the Garage...
[KITT's tailpipe leaks as Randy unzips and positions himself]
KITT : Make me feel whole Randy! Luvmay long time!
Randy : You got it buddy.
Mike : [disgusted as hell] You're sick!
[Randy turns to see him, sees what he's wearing and laughs his ass off]
Randy : I'm sick? You da one here lookin' like sum fruity booty!
Mike : Yeah, but I'm not the one screwin my car!
[Mike lunges at Randy, as they tussle on the ground KITT revs up his engine]
KITT : [impatiently] Ummmm, I'm not feelin' anythang...Randy?....Randykins?....
[KITT turns to see them fighting and recognizes Mike]
.....You...
[KITT rolls up to Mike and wedges him into a nearby wall]
Well, howda fuk you doin', Mitch?!?
Mike : I'd feel better if you were thinking sensibly.
KITT : You lied to me! MITCH!!!
Mike : I'm Mike, not Mitch KITT!
[KITT revs himself into Mike's gut]
...Look, haven't you, heard of syndication?
KITT : Duhfuk?
Mike : Syndication, we've been repeating ourselves for 15 years. I had to find another job to keep you in fuel and merchandising profits. I've taken care of you haven't I?
KITT : Budyou lied tamay!
Mike : No I didn't, you, never asked, and I never had a reason to tell ya. You seemed to be fine with those crappy reunion shows and spoofs so I never rocked the boat. I know how sensitive you get sometimes.
KITT : But, I thought it was just us.
[Wiper fluid sprays the winshield]
Mike : It is just us. Those other guys work for me, and if it wasn't for you we'd still be trapped in video stores and them damn nerd conventions. You see KITT, fate brought us together, and I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. Do you think I'd be standing here in the ninja turtle's shirt covered in clam chowder and keeping some loony from raping you if didn't love ya?
KITT : ...You do godda pernt dair.
Mike : Has that hayseed been drugging you? You sound drunk.
KITT : Oh....Dat's what I am, fuggin' drunk! Hee hee hee! WOOOO! I luvya fuggin' Mikey! Lezgo be alone, I still wanna get laid goddammit!
[Kitt backs away from Mike and Randy lunges at him]
Randy : You ain't comin' in here takin' my lovey-dovey away! He's mine!!!
Mike : Are you listening to yourself? You've gone f*ckin' mad.
KITT : I godda ageewidem, you dungon fuggin' shtupid!
Randy : The hell I did! I'm gonna keep Kitty and that's that!
KITT : [quiet riot] The name's KITT, not, Kitty!
[KITT rams into Randy's side, holding him against the wall]
...I'm not owned asshole, I'm loved!
[KITT then rams Randy into the wall]
...The noyve of sumbitches man! Try to keep me will ya? Mikey, call da goddamn cops on his ass!
Mike : Uhhh, KITT? Did you forget what I'm wearing?
KITT : Nope, consider this my little payback for hiding Mitch from me.
Mike : Shit, OK...
Later that night...
KITT : You know Michael, that racing fuel did clean out my engine, maybe we should switch brands.
Mike : Ohhhhhh no, you don't remember what you've done the past 5 hours, and I'm not risking that shit again.
KITT : But Michael, think of the money you'd save not having to get all those tune-ups.
Mike : Think of all the attitudes you cop once you're on that shit, think of the accidents you could cause, think of all the arguments we'd get into 'cause you're drunk.
KITT : .....Ok Michael, but I liked how you cleaned my tailpipe. Can you do it again?
Mike : Ok buddy, but don't rev up the engine this time, burnt balls hurt.
KITT : Ok Michael, come and get it baby.
Mike : [to himself] Maybe I should go back to singing in German...
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Post by Aish on Sept 6, 2005 17:06:33 GMT -5
You hit the wall alot as a kid, didn't you?? Seriously, your mind is a beautiful, twisted thing...
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 6, 2005 17:11:23 GMT -5
As a matter of I did, on purpose even. When you're not allowed outside you make up some strange shit to do. Thanks for reading this and being so you...
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Post by MirrorImage || egamIrorriM on Sept 6, 2005 21:22:50 GMT -5
your mind is a beautiful, twisted thing... i couldnt agree more....that was just sickening enough to disturb me, but outrageous enough to be hilarious. well written, maybe the best one yet.
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Post by Reaper696 on Sept 8, 2005 12:53:48 GMT -5
Thanks, you should see what I write when the meds kick in...
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Post by MirrorImage || egamIrorriM on Sept 8, 2005 19:29:59 GMT -5
oh, great....(mock sarcasm)
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