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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:51:43 GMT -5
On the school bus...
[Bus Driver (BD) picks up Stan]
BD : Hiya Stan.
Stan : Hi Ms. Crabtree.
BD : It's Mizzzzz Crabtree Stan!
Stan : Whatever, how's the yeast infection?
[The kids on the bus laugh]
BD : Stan! That's not something you ask in public!
Stan : Then why did you say it to Mr. Garrison in the yard?
BD : Sometimes you say things to get people away from you, that was what I did.
Stan : Oh, OK. Here comes Kyle, I'm gonna go eat my own shit now.
BD : Just shut up and sit down.
[Stan sits down, bus picks up Kyle]
...Hiya Kyle
Kyle : Hi Ms. Crabtree.
BD : It's Mizzzzz Crabtree Kyle!
Kyle : [perplexed]....I don't get it.
BD : It's what you use when you've been divorced.
Kyle : [still preplexed]....Well, I don't hear any man call themselves Mizzzzzter dude.
BD : That's 'cause it's for women!
[Kyle heads to his seat]
Kyle : f*ckin' sexist trollop.
[The kids on the bus laugh]
BD : [extra loudly] I heard that!!!
Kyle : [slightly mumbling] You were supposed to, Mizz Bitch.
BD : WHAT?!?
Kyle : [clearly] I said you were da shizznit.
BD : The hell is that?!
Kyle : It's....you know, like, da shizznit foo'.
BD : Whatever, shut up and sit down.
[Kyle sits down, bus picks up Cartman (CM)]
BD : Hiya Eric.
CM : Hiya Ms. Crabcrotch.
[The kids laugh loudly]
BD : It's Mizz...Hey! What did you call me?!?
CM : Oh, I'm sorry, Mizz Crabcrotch.
BD : How dare you call me that?!?
CM : Simple, I heard about you from some drunk homeless guy. He said you had a bush the size of Buick and just as stocked. He showed me this book and it had you in it.
BD : Don't believe everything you hear!
CM : [Clears throat] Debbie Does Doggies?...[leans in]Hmmmm?...
BD : [Shocked, flushed and flustered] Why I oughta...
CM : You touch me bitch and I'll sue you and that goddamned aquarium in your pants ya puppy pounder!
BD : AWWWW, just shut up and sit down!!!
[CM walks to his seat while barking, bus picks up Kenny]
[exhausted] Hey Kenny.
Kenny : kuhdfsubvvhsdivsduivf.
BD : Mizz Crabtree.
Kenny : hhmph?
BD : Because I'm not married anymore.
Kenny : gjhhfdoibtoytogiofuir, rfuisrddfdguhuriidgd?
[Kids laugh]
BD : No, I don't whore around like some starved wildebeest.
Kenny : jcfdkvfdurgdotbffjjdfkkfd?
BD : No Kenny, I don't have a trunkful of plastic pokers.
Kenny : mmmm, nbft-iuhrgiugufgiju,jtrrtirtuitiufddfi,doieoegbggrgrrt?
BD : Kenny! I'll have you know that I'm not some low-priced, carpet munching, cum-crazed road tramp either!!!
Kenny : mmmm, shfiorooimooirtitoifgiofgoiioVjffirirFppTro.
BD : [defeated]Oh, you saw Debbie Does Dope. Shut up and sit down.
[she pulls out a straw, takes the cap off the shifter, sticks the straw in and drinks away as she pulls up to the school]
In Mr. Garrison's (MG) class...
MG : Okay class, I will now teach you the art of Origasmi. It's making things by folding a baggie. You see the baggies I put on your desks, now try to make something with that baggie, perhaps something that'll make you enough money to never have to get a real job...
[The class picks up the baggies and plays with them. Mr. Garrison walks over to the kids]
MG : So what did you guys make? Me rich?
Stan : Look [puts baggie on hand], I made a glove.
Kyle : Well [puts baggie on back of head], I made a yarmulke.
CM : Ha [spreads baggie in front of his face], I'm trapped in a fishbowl [crunches lips around].
Kenny : [shoves baggie down front of his pants, shakes it around, and pulls it back out] M hbfdueruirfguirgnbdrk.
CM : [confused]...An abortion chamber?...
After school, in the Principal's office...
BD : I can't handle those brats being so.....So.....like themselves! They get more crass by the hour, I wanna drink during work Ma'am.
MG : Yeah, me and Mr. Hat can't get through the day without snorting Prozac. You know what Kenny made with his Origasmi? A f*ckin' abortion chamber! I'm sorry but we gotta get more control in our classrooms.
Principal Victoria (PV) : Well, I think I have good news then. George W. Bush is giving a press conference tomorrow.
MG : What the hell's he gonna do? Draft 'em all?
BD : Good answer, good answer.
PV : Now now, they are our future.
MG : My future death.
PV : Hey now, I think having a former President around here will give them a sense of pride in their community.
BD : Like the same pride they get when they make the loudest fart on the bus?
MG : Or like the one they get when they find a way to draw blood from a teacher?
BD : Or like the one they get after using a new swear word?
PV : Golly, you guys need a vacation.
MG/BD : I can't afford it.
PV : Oh dear, well, how 'bout I tell you when the next surprise drug test is?
BD : OK.
PV : Alrighty, it'll be in 1 week.
BD : Ummm, do you have one in, green?.
PV : Huh?.......Oooooooooh, I think that one's in a month?
BD : 3.
PV : Okie dokie! [giddy] When you drop the kids off tomorrow just bring them into the auditorium, the President wants to surprise them. [giddier] The whole town'll show up! [Disney giddy] This'll be a special day!
MG : [slightly mumbling] Well damn don't leave a puddle.
PV : Hmm?
MG : [startled] Oh, uh, Well ma'am I mo' leave this huddle.
PV : Ok, well see you both tomorrow, history is coming to South Park...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:52:14 GMT -5
The next morning, in the auditorium...PV : Can I have your attention please? CM : Sure, [lifts leg and blows a tuba fart; the other 3 laugh as the surrounding audience hide their mouths and noses in their shirts]take it all. PV : Hello everyone, I've gathered you all here to give you a special announcement. We're heading into a brave new world today, a world led by a determined inividual who'll be looking out for our best interests. Kenny : [Leans to Stan] Mmmmph, fgijfgjdijgklghjgoiree? Stan : Yeah, I would like to know how the shovel's hiding in there too. PV : Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, George W. Bush! [Bush walks up to the stage amongst cheers] Bush : Thank you Victoria...My fellow South Parkers, I'm on a holy mission to clean up America. There are too many negative influences decaying our moral fiber, and I wanna take care of it one city at a time. I've purchased this town so that I can show America what my leadership can do once it gets going. [sneeringly] Huh huh, huh huh, I guess you could say I'm your town's Daddy. Huh huh , huh huh. I'll be permanent Mayor and will be replacing key staffmembers so you can see my dream community in action. Soon you will all agree that my idea is sound and will maintain the status quo of the right America. I won't keep any of you from your work and school, so I'll be giving a press conference at 7pm and dictate...Huh huh, I'm sorry huh huh, I mean share with you the rest of my dream. Thank you South Park, you, are the beginning of a revolution... [Bush walks off as the audience files out; Kyle looks confused] Kyle : Did he say we were gonna be in a revolution? CM : Not us, we're too young. Stan : I dunno guys, he might need more people for the war, and he could be kidnapping the whole town to go to Iraq. Kenny : [one arm shaking in his pocket] Mmmmmmmph, hgbstigbvniutiutiuf. Stan : Like he's not getting any what?...What did you say first? [Kenny pulls out a baggie with some strange-looking lotion in it] ....Oh, you brought your abortion chamber with you? Kenny : Emmmjitiggifogiioifgfgffgfgo, mmmmph, mmmmmmph!Stan : You fire off a few what with it every chance you get? [Kenny show him the baggie, with a little more lotion in it] ...Oh... At the front door of school...
SO : Hold it, I wanna search your bag.
CM : [grabs crotch] Wanna search my sack too?
[All 4 laugh]
SO : I wouldn't have that attitude if I were you.
CM : If I were you I'd shoot myself for bein' so goddamn ugly.
SO : I'm warnin' you, this is a new school now.
CM : Well then you can suck my new dick bitch!
SO : [grabs walkie talkie] Central Discipline, have an insub at the gate, suspect used various expletives and a Lord-In-Vain.
[2 SO's grab CM and take him away]
....Who's next?
[Kenny walks up to the SO; he looks through his backpack, then his pockets and finds his baggie]
And what's this?
Kenny: Mmmfufufidf.
SO : [grabs walkie talkie] Central Discipline, got a possible liberal at the gate.
[2 SO's grab Kenny and take him away]
...Who's next?...
In Mr. Garrison's room...
MG : Class, me and Mr. Hat are pleased to introduce you to someone. Meet Rush Libaugh (RL). He's gonna be our substitute teacher.
RL : I believe you have that mistaken, I'll be the permanent teacher.
MG : Well the Principal told me you'd only be substituting.
RL : I believe the word is replacing, and you're cutting into my time.
MG : [as Mr. Hat] Well I see the diva needs his space [walks out of the classroom].
RL : Now class, what were you doing yesterday?....[Kyle raises hand]Yes?
Kyle : We were practicing Origasmi.
RL : What?!? Has he been dirtying your precious minds!?!
Kyle : I dunno, I made a yarmulke with my baggie.
RL : Baggie?.....Oooooh, you mean Origami. OK, well first you use paper for Origami, and I like that you are expressing your faith in whatever you're doing, and Origami is un-American and shouldn't be done at all. When we start doing anything un-American it's a slippery slope that will lead to drugs and all sorts of ucky behavior.
Kyle : The f*ck is ucky?
RL : Now now, that language is not how a good boy with faith should be speaking. Swearing is the first way the Devil keeps you.
Kyle : Well, I wasn't the asshole who said "ucky".
RL : Who taught you such dirty words?
Kyle : I did, I hear them all the time, don't you?
RL : Well yes but that doesn't mean you have to use them.
Kyle : Why?
[As RL contemplates his answer CM and Kenny limp in, CM has a red S on his shoulder while Kenny has a red ? on his]
RL : And why are you 2 late?
CM : Some god-da...
[Kenny bumps him on his shoulder]
...Uhhh, We were being retaught by Central Discipline.
RL : Ok, I see you were brought in for swearing.
CM : I tried to tell them I was just tellin' jokes, but they didn't believe me.
RL : The security officers are trained to know the difference, so I don't believe you either. Please take your seat.
[CM limps to his seat]
Kyle : [whispering] What happened to you?
CM : [whispering back] Them f*ckheads locked me in some kinky shit, and pulled my pants down! I dunno what they spanked me with but I heard a zipper. Then they unlocked me and told me if I ever do it again they'll be allowed to get rough. They're not f*ckin' around man.
RL : So, what were you in CD for?
Kenny : Mmdfdrfieryuwejedfjgp.
RL : An abortion chamber? In your pocket?
Kenny : Mmmhmm, dfjdfdufuiiueiuerjrnggugooggoiifd.
RL : 'Cause you felt like having fun? I'm gonna refer you to the Counselor after school, I'd like to make sure who I'm dealing with.
Kenny : Mjmvjkeroirerroererogkeof
RL : Sure you're just normal and we're just misunderstanding you. Take your seat please.
[Kenny limps over to his seat]
...Now tomorrow you'll all be visiting the Health teacher so he can get a grasp on who's in this school...[The bell rings and the students start leaving]Where are you going?
Kyle : We just heard the bell.
RL : That's not the dismissal bell, it's time for your religious moment.
CM : [sarcastically] Oh God help me.
RL : [gives a thumbs up] That's the spirit...
? : Hello South Park Elementary, I'm Simon Cowell (SC) with your Religious moment. Your person of worship will help you, he has helped me to be here today instead of having to tell you personally how desolate and utterly useless your lives are. I want all you right now to pray to your person of worship for the help you need in your daily lives. Nothing else will help you even if you paid for it...
CM : Oh please, he whoever makes the Cheesy Poofs, find a way to get me a year's supply. Oh, and can you shove a few down the throat of that asshole in the speaker?
CW : ...Now, remember kids, any attempt to figure out your religion will result in people laughing at your [chuckle], intelligence, possibly your unknowing little head exploding. I'm only here to protect you from the cold, cruel world that is the smart people. Cheers. See you in 2 hours...
RL : Now, wasn't that refreshing?
CM : Not as much as [blows a teeny-tiny trumpet fart], this, aaaaaaaah.
RL : Your manners leave a lot to be desired.
CM : I'm in school, I don't need no manners.
RL : I don't need any manners.
CM : See? You don't give a
[Kenny bumps CM's arm]
...[dejected] fudge about 'em either.
RL : I see this is gonna take a while to retrain you all on the right way of thinking. Now we'll, yes?
Stan : [in a shy manner] Ummm, you're scaring me.
RL : Now how can I scare you?
Stan : You don't sound normal, you don't even have a goofy hand puppet.
RL : Maybe it's because you haven't seen normal before.
Stan : [nervously] I wanna shit on myself now.
RL : What?!?
Stan : [nervously] I wanna eat my own underwear, shit them out, and put them back on.
RL : Oh my! Central Discipline!
[2 SO's come in, RL points at Stan and they take him out]
...Now, where were we?...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:53:40 GMT -5
After school...
CM : I'm tellin' ya Jewboy, they do some wicked shit in there!
Kenny : Mmmmhmmm, ffjhreiuriureoigjfnffiewrort.
Kyle : What kinda drugs?
Kenny : Mmmmmmm, Dhjrgyrjgg, urugigjhedueerktjtgjtkj.
Kyle : It can do that to your asshole?
Kenny : Mmmmhmm.
Kyle : f*ck, these guys gotta go.
Stan : I don't see that happenin' man, I saw all those, things in that Discipline Room. If they beat us enough we won't remember anyway.
CM : And, they took my stash of Cheesy Poofs at lunchtime, sayin' it was [queer-like] too unhealthy for me. If they were gonna kill me, wouldn't I be dead?
[silence]
...Well, f*ckin' wouldn't I?
Kenny : Yjfgufufififibbjdroeijhreoio
CM : I wouldn't f*ck a wooden eye you dumbass, and don't call me fat mumblef*ck.
Kyle : Well, we could tell our parents they're being mean.
CM : [rubs chins] Hmmmm, that could work, I'll try it, I don't get my ass whupped at home and these shitwads think they can just control my life? f*ck 'em, whadaya say?
[They all nod their heads and head to the bus]
On the bus the next morning
[BD (who is extra stoned) picks up Stan]
BD : Hey Stan, how's it hangin'?
Stan : Uhhh, I don't have anything hangin', you're a sick f*ck. Can I shit in your ear so you can think clearly?
BD : [laughs] Ya know I can report you to Central Discipline, as a matter of fact I will.
Stan : [while walking away] Well, I'll just go dig in my ass for a reason to care.
[BD picks up Kyle]
BD : Heyyyyyyyyyy Kyle.
Kyle : Heyyyyyy what the f*ck's wrong with you Ms. Crabtree?
BD : It's Mizz Crabtree and I'm AaaaaaaOK.
Kyle : Then why do you sound like them Woodstock weirdos?
BD : Hey man, Woodstock was the defining moment of my generation.
Kyle: [confused] Wait a minute, I thought that was being able to create fire.
[The bus laughs]
BD : I'll have you know I'm not that old. I'm only 53.
Kyle : Oh wow, you don't look a day over 35.
BD : Why thank you dude.
[Kyle turns and heads to his seat]
Kyle : [mumbling] Squared
[The kids laugh]
BD : What, was that?
Kyle : Nothing ya stony slut.
BD : Hey!
Kyle : You're more stoned than a sinner in Jerusalem.
[the kids laugh]
BD : Consider yourself reported!
Kyle : Yeah yeah yeah, blow me a river.
[Bus picks up CM]
BD : Heyyyyy Eric.
CM : [looks at her as if her teeth farted] Are you drunk?
BD : Naw man, I'm just feelin' gooooood about life for a change.
CM : Oh, you found a dog with some dope again?
[the kids laugh]
BD : That was many years ago man, could you not bring that up anymore?
CM : That depends, got any more movies?
BD : Get away from me, I'll be reporting you to Central Discipline.
CM : Good, I'll l have another reason to sue those nutless pricks.
[CM sits down, bus picks up Kenny]
BD : Heyyyy Kenny.
Kenny : Mmmphhrfueruieriuoer?
BD : Naw, I'm just feelin' good dude.
Kenny : Ymmmdfjoreoreirferojoigerg?
BD : No you sicko, a tree stump can't even fit up there.
Kenny : MM MM, dufkfghgruiohrovkdnvnenrre?
BD : Now who do you know that does Rufees for fun?
Kenny : Mmmmmm, M dsjsdMjgitMighiuieMrkgHeuefhfMmphn.
BD : Now how did you see Debbie Does Date Rape in the Dakotas?
Kenny : Mfjfuduiudfhcoeroierork.
BD : Who sells them at Happy Burger?!?
Kenny : Mphigrhjfififd.
BD : My Ex?!? AAAUGH!!!
Kenny : Mmmfdufurghrghrggr?
BD : Yes you did kill my buzz.
[the kids laugh]
Kenny : Mmphjfhiue, urhjnds
BD : Hey, you tricked me! And don't call me bitch! Consider yourself reported buddy!
Kenny : Mffj'fjdgvjfg-ipfififff.
BD : And you'll never be one of my four-legged buddies to screw pally!
[Kenny walks to his seat with the other 3]
CM : What did your parents say Kenny?
Kenny : MMPH, gujd**eiujtfkjfdfdkjfggfgft.
CM : Damn, yours agreed too? Shit!
Kyle : I don't get it, I told them what happened to you 2 and they said it was for the better.
Stan : I told them I was so scared of them I wanted to go to prison and be someone's bitch, nothing.
Kenny : Mmmm, udfujfusdfuchcobgoidhueu,hdyuyfuyfedfdifiuiurugn,jdriyewiwei,iuseueudfjhfif,djuwuyehbfyiefiui.
Kyle : I could see that working, but if all the grown-ups stand behind our behinds being busted, how can we get even some of them to stand behind us?
Kenny : Mmmph, [rubs fingers together] mmm mmmm.
CM : Well you can pay them with your allowance.
[The bus pulls up to the front of the school and 8 SO's are waiting for it]
BD : [opens door] I was about to call you guys.
SO : We know, we also know you're under the influence of a controlled substance, come with us please.
[The SO's take the kids and BD to Central Discipline headquarters]
PV : Didn't I see you guys yesterday?
Kyle : You didn't see me.
PV : Oh yes, that's right, but with your friends being how they are I expected you here.
CM : [mild attitude] Tough talk comin' from the new secretary.
PV : Such anger, that's what Bush and his friends are here to show you don't need.
Kenny : Mmpphuduf, kdfkiufkfgg' fikfkj?
PV : I'd appreciate you not using the foul language, and I'm most certainly not a robot.
SO : We're ready for the insubs now.
PV : Okie dokie, you heard 'im, go in there and learn your lesson. Be good OK?
[The kids mumble under their breath as they go through a door marked "Lesson Plans". They are placed in stockades and 4 SO's are behind them while 1 is in front]
SO : So, talking back to the bus driver huh?
CM : She was stoned, it shouldn't count.
SO : Nice try, but you shouldn't look into adults' private affairs.
Kyle : The news does it all the time.
CM : So does Entertainment Tonight.
Stan : I want my chainsaw.
SO : [light laughter] Not bad, you guys are used to getting out of trouble, now what do you think is a suitable punishment, hmm?
Kenny : Mmmmmm, hdfhjdiriuiueuiddf?
SO : No, suspension does nothing but give you days off and doesn't teach you anything. I have an idea though. Guys,5...
[The 7 other SO's start paddling the boys 5 times]
...Now, I want you 4 to listen closely, [points to Stan and Kyle] you 2 have only gotten to level 1and that has been executed; [points to CM and Kenny] But these 2 are now on level 2. I'm gonna make examples of them so you all can learn your lesson quickly. Guys, 20, strong
[The 4 SO's pick a cheek on Kenny and CM then wail away 20 times. CM and Kenny are crying, Stan and Kyle are shaking]
...Now, you see we get, disciplinary, when you do wrong here. I want you all to remember this demonstration, maybe you'll be good for a change. The right way is the only way to go ya know. No hard feelings kids. Guys, label and leave 'em.
[The SO's place scarlet letters on them and walk them into Mr. Limbaugh's class]
In Mr. Limbaugh's class...
RL : Well well, it seems you 4 got into trouble early.
CM : You god [Kyle elbows him]...Yeah, [dejected] a little early.
RL : Well I'm hoping you guys are learning the error of your ways, one can only handle so much discipline. [bell rings]...And you're just in time for the religious moment...
SC : Hello students of the Invisible Friendly One. I hope you all are getting to like your futility. My lesson at this time is to look at the those who are less fortunate than you are...If you don't kiss your deity's butt that's where you'll be. Oh, and those who think they can sneak around and be devious should know that the deity is looking at you. But, it's a good thing you're not listening, I get to have a laugh. I'll see you in 2 hours...
RL : Now, with that finished let's restart our love of the polka...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:54:17 GMT -5
In the lunchroom...CM : [whispering] What the f*ck're we gonna do? They took over everything!Kyle :[whispering] I dunno, we don't have anyone to help us. Stan : [whispering] We could run through the school with guns and shoot everyone. [The other 3 look at him like he just put mayo on his apple pie] Kyle : Dude, that was, so Playstation. How 'bout we dress up like little girls and sing showtunes while we're at it.
SO : What did you say?
Kyle : [stammering] Uhhh, I said [points to some indiscriminate kid] he dresses up like little girls and sing showtunes.
SO : [grabs walkie-talkie] Central Discipline, I have pink teamer in the lunchroom.
[4 SO's run in and grab the kid]
...Thanks, but next time, we'd like if you tell us first.
Kyle : OK. [turns back to the other 3 and whispers] What are we....Hey, we haven't asked Chef if he knows what we can do.
Kenny : Mmfgtfidrrss? Dddfurudhjdurudfuj.
Stan : He's right, everyone's brainwashed.
Kyle : No, Chef's not like that. He'll see how full of shit all this is.
SO : What was that?
Kyle : Uhhhh, I said [points to some indiscriminate teacher] he said shit to me.
SO : Oh really? [grabs walkie-talkie] Central DIscipline, got an adult insub. Language error.
[4 SO's run in and grabs the teacher]
Stan : I hope you're right, I can't take more of this.
Kyle : Wish me luck guys.
CM : Luck.
Stan : Luck.
Kenny : Mmmph.
[An SO overhears and walks over]
SO : What did you say?
Kenny : Mmmph mm mmph.
SO : Oh, OK.
[Kyle walks to the kitchen entrance whan an SO stops him]
SO : Children are off limits in the food processing area.
Kyle : Oh, I, was, just wanitng to compliment the chef, hee hee.
SO : You, wanna compliment, the chef?
Kyle : Yeah, the, ummm, purple stuff was like how my mom made it, and anyone that can cook like my mom has to be good.
SO : Ok, but you got 30 seconds, or Central Discipline will take over.
Kyle : Ok.
[Kyle walks in to see Chef washing dishes]
Chef, how's the job treatin' ya?
Chef : Just fine sir, just, very fine sir.
Kyle : You sure you don't wanna retake the town?
Chef : Oh no sir, I like how my life is now. It's the right way sir, no doubt about it sir.
Kyle : Chef, It's me, Kyle.
Chef : [looks over his shoulder] Oh thank God it's you, but we have to be quiet, they got ears everywhere.
Kyle : Really?
Chef : Yeah, you can't even fart without some committee hearin' it.
Kyle : Wow. But, how do we stop them?
Chef : Well, short of nuclear bombs I'm not sure.
SO : Did you say something?
Chef : [shit-eatin' grin] No sir, not at all sir. [turns back to Kyle] But whatever it is I want it now buddy, gotta do it for the children ya know...And I'm tired of bein' disiciplined.
Kyle : You and me both, meet us after school, we'll think of something.
Chef : You got it...
After school, in the park...
Kenny : MMgifieurddrhdfore?
Kyle : Yeah he'll show. Why wouldn't he?
Kenny : Mmfgogbpvgpvgjduywuyfjdnhdrirt.
Kyle : .....Naah, they wouldn't shove that up there.
[Chef stops at the gate and sees the kids]
Chef : Hey kiddies.
[2 police cars show up and 8 SO's come up to Chef]
SO : Do you know it's illegal to fraternize with the students?
Chef : Hey man, they ain't students now.
SO : Did you forget about Bush's Overly Omnipresent Tyrant Yeilding Act?
Chef : The BOOTY Act?
SO : That very one. You can't talk to students, faculty, or their relatives while working for the school.
Chef : Well damn, I can't talk to y'all either.
SO : We're Security, we're different.
Chef : Yeah yeah, all that and a free donut.
SO : Now now, we still have to render punishment for this infraction, such snide remarks would not be wise.
Chef : [steaming mad] The hell y'all talkin' about!? I didn't even talk to them!
SO : But you had the intent, and we must rehabilitate the population. [to the other SO's] Guys, take him to Central Discipline.
Chef : Here we go again.
SO : And I thought you learned when you sang that song to that woman.
Chef : How was I to know I couldn't sing "Baby Bend it Over, I'm Gonna Poke Ya".
SO : Well, you do now.
[The SO's take Chef away]
CM : Well damn, what are we gonna do?
Stan : I dunno, I wanna f*ck a tree.
Kyle : There gotta be something we can do........I got it! We'll
Kenny : Mmmphhhgdrydfufgufufjff.
Kyle : ...Yeah, better whisper it.
[Kyle whispers his plan the others]
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:54:52 GMT -5
3 days later in the park...
[Every kid in SP Elementary show up to the park, the kids walk on top of the picnic table amidst boisterous talking in the audience]
Kyle : Guys, I need your attention.
[The audience still talks on]
CM : Hey shitbrains! Can you f*ckin' be quiet?!
[The audience still talks on]
Kenny Mmppphsududuediikfkdidhufujfififidosoweoidr!
[The audience is silenced]
Stan : [leans to Kenny] Jeez Kenny, bull rape?
Kenny : MdifdfioidfiodfOidfhf.
Stan : [enlightened] Ooooooh,OK, but what are you doin' watchin' Oprah?
Kyle : Guys I called you here to talk to you about how royally f*cked our town is. We need to fight back against these assholes or we'll never be able to sit down. I think we should go on strike and let 'em know we're not gonna take gettin' our asses whupped.
[The audience mumbles]
CM : Hey, I've gotten beaten so much my ass can't even turn red anymore! See?
[CM pulls his pants down as the audience stares at his purple ass]
Stan : Damn Cartman, they make paddles that big?
CM : Shut the f*ck up or I'll sit on you ya squirrel f*cker!
Stan : Jeez, stick a tampon in it.
CM : Now where was I? Oh, Monday we should all walk around the front of the school tellin' those f*ckin' Nazis to leave! Who's with me?!
[The audience cheers]
CM : Alright, now we, uh-oh.
[4 paddy wagons pull up and numerous SO's start filing out. One walk up to the kids]
SO : OK, which one of you started this illegal gathering?
CM : Uhhh, the school, since they gave us this day off? Heh heh.
SO : Nice try, looks like you'll have to come with us boys and be disciplined.
Kenny : Mmmphphhht!
CM : [very loudly] Yeah, f*ck that! My mom doesn't spank me! Who the f*ck you think you bitches are spankin' me?! I'm tired of this shit! And I'm not takin' it! Who's with me?!?
[The audience cheer and riot against the SO's. Kids are being hauled into vans, spanked, or tied to trees as the kids make a hasty exit]
Stan : Hey Kyle, you think they'll pin this on us?
Kyle : Naaah, they don't know we got them together, besides, we're far away from the riot. We're cool man.
At 3 AM in Central Discipline...
[The kids are dragged into the stockades]
SO : Now, you guys didn't think you'd get away with that illegal gathering and escape did you? Ha ha ha ha, I also bet you didn't know we knew about you guys whispering to each other about this 3 days ago.
[The kids look dumbfounded]
SO : I know, I get that look a lot. Now, maybe you'll start being good little boys and stop trying to go against us. You can't win. Now, let's see: an illegal gathering, conspiracy, rioting, swearing, protesting without a liscence, talking back to an Officer, and farting in a State vehicle. Hmmm, quite a list of charges...I got it, guys, a thousand, strong...
Later on at the school auditorium...
PV : Hello children, I heard about you all rioting on Saturday, and I think that is just poopy behavior to be
[An SO walks up to PV]
SO : Excuse me, come with me please.
PV : Wha, what did I do?
SO : You said poopy ma'am, now come with me.
PV : Oh dear.
[PV is taken away when Bush walks up to the podium]
Bush : Hello kids huh huh. I appreciate the standin' ovation... I heard 'bout y'all raisin' a stink at the park. Now that takes guts, especially takin' that spankin' I know these guys can give ya huh huh. I'm tellin' y'all, not listenin' to us will not work out for you. You'll be miserable and won't be allowed to enjoy my right way of runnin' a city. I plan on makin' things more kind and conservative for you, I'll be ensuring that you all have a safe environment to live in. I've talked to every businessperson and they've, uh, agreed to follow the newest additions to the BOOTY Act...Now children, let's make sure that that little situation doesn't happen again OK? Thank you South Park...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:55:21 GMT -5
Later on, in the lunchroom...
CM : I can't take this, did you see what they did with the theatre?
Kyle : Yeah, Terrence and Phillip got deported.
Kenny : Mfdudoidoijff.
Stan : For bein' enemies of the State?
Kenny : Mmhmm.
CM : Yeah, and did you see what they play now?
Kyle/Stan : Jiggy With Jesus.
CM : Yeah, what the hell kinda crap is that?
[SO walks over to them]
SO : What did you just say?
CM :[mildly nervous] Uhhh, that I don't wanna go to hell, annnnd I ain't doin' any crap?
SO : I'm not doing any crap.
CM : That's what I said.
SO : Remember, there's a grammar law, passed this morning. Remember that now.
[SO walks off]
CM : [quietly fuming] Grrrr, what're we gonna do. I'm gonna die of nothing if this keep up.
Kenny : Mmpgpfudhdudsjfjffdf, hfejdudxujf, dhseuiyudrfh, dcbsdyeiuie, opforeurdhdf.
Kyle : Hmmmm, you do have a point, but how do we get everyone mad at them?
Kenny : Mpijnmfifdkdj.
Kyle : Dude, how are we gonna find a sex tape of them?
Stan : Let's face it we're doomed.
Kyle : Doom........Doom.......That's it! Doom!
CM : Ummm, what's a video game got to with this?
Kyle : No blubber brain, doom. If we show that they will doom us, they'll be run out of town. That's how he won the election.
CM : You mean he has to scare people to get hard?
Kyle : Election you lard-licking sow!
CM : Who you callin' lard-licking sow you porkophobe!
Kyle : Porkophobe? You're the one with all the pork you turd tank!
CM : [fuming] Why you little, top spinnin', candle-lightin', beanie-wearin', short-bible-readin'...........Man, I wish I could cuss.
Kyle : [dejected] [sighs]Me too.
Stan : Well, what's the plan?
Kyle : Well, the only thing I can think of is to google everyone and see what I find.
CM : [sarcastically] f**.
[An SO walks over to them]
SO : What did you say?
CM : I called him a f**.
SO : ......Oh, sorry to bother you.
[SO walks away]
Kyle : No, google. The search place on the net.
[The other 3 look as if he spoke Sanskrit]
...Well, if you 3 look like that the rest of this town ain't far behind. Meet me after school and I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
[The bell rings, and the PA comes on]
SC : Hello children, I know I'm interrupting your grazing but the President's address was more important, so here's your religious moment: Your Invisible Friendly One is disappointed in you, you all decided to riot in the park without praying first, which is why you all were, dealt with, by Central Discipline. If you prayed first you miscreants of your Messiah would've known that going against those of higher authority never works out for you. Now, I want all of you to remember that being punished is your Invisible Friendly One's way to say "You're being the moron I'd thought you'd be. Maybe I'll hold off on blessing you". See you in 2 hours...
The next morning, on every newspaper and TV in South Park...
"Jerry Springer has an exclusive that he will be broadcasting live on TV and radio. Kyle Broflovski, a 4th grader in South Park Elementary School, claims to have information stating that the President isn't being genuine and leading his town towards 'doom', as Mr. Broflovski has put it. The roundtable discussion is being held at the South Park Auditorium at 9AM and Mr. Broflovski insists that everyone be in attendance"...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:56:52 GMT -5
In the auditoruim...[Jerry Springer (JS) has been introduced and the monologue has finished. He introduces our 4 heroes as they walk up to the stage with posters in hand with everyone in South Park in attendance] JS : So, tell us why you're here. Kyle : Hi, ummm, I found some stuff that looks pretty bad. I think the President is lying to us dudes. [The audience mumbles] ...Ummm, I like, found these pictures of him doin' the stuff that he tells us he's against. Look at this one. [Kyle unrolls a picture of this] [The audience gasps as Bush squirms in his seat] CM : See? The President's bein' a little fruit Jerry!JS : Now now Eric, let Kyle finish his piece. Go ahead Kyle. Kyle : OK, you see he's been sayin' that that's bad, but look at this. [The audience grows uneasy] ...But wait, wait, I also found this. [Kyle unrolls a picture of this] Bush : Now, you see that? That's how I run things. He's my right-wing man right there huh huh, huh huh. Kyle : But, I'm Jewish, I'm still waiting for this Jesus you worship. I find this offensive and there are a bunch of people here that agree with this. I find this not really cool to your people and you look like someone who isn't....Ummmm, isn't... Kenny : ( bleep) Kyle : Kenny, I can't say ( bleep)...What I wanna say is, he's not being truthful with us and I think he'll ruin our town man. Bush : Now wait a minute here, I never, ever said anythang bad about Hanukkah. You can go spin your tops all you want huh huh, huh huh. You see, I'm a man for the people. I can be seen with anyone, even Jesus. JS : Have you ever seen Jesus before? Bush : Well, uhhh, ummm, huh huh, huh huh, I wudn't expectin' that one huh huh.......I've seen visions of him before, and, uhhh, those visions are what I believe in. JS : So Jesus would put on an Armani suit and help you with your foreign policy. [The audience chuckles] Bush : Well huh huh, huh huh, I don't think that now, I think he'd be more of a Sears guy myself huh huh, huh huh. CM : You see? He's not bein' serious!Kyle : Dude, chill out. Bush : Yeah, chill out, dood. CM : I got your dude, dude[The audience ooohs] Bush : Well, huh huh, huh huh, I can see how someone without any knowledge of what I'm seein' can't see what I see, so I wanna see that everyone sees what I see when I see it, ya see? [Confusion all over the place] ...Uhhh, you'll see. JS : Uhhh, OK. Kyle? Is there anything else you have for proof? Kyle : Well, there's also this. [Kyle unrolls a picture of this] [The audience grows a little restless] ... This'll be our new money, he's been using them to make us fear the outside world, and his new laws have been doin' nothing but makin' us more scared of even each other. CM : Yeah! My [bleep]'s been whupped so much even my [bleep]'s red! That's why he's puttin that [bleep] on that money!Stan : I'm gonna use that mic and [bleep] myself now. Kenny : [bleep], mmpgjfhdfjhfff[bleep]ufdgddyjfgff[bleep]. [The audience gasps] JS : Now hold it, hold it people, and Kenny, could you keep the anal power tool entry comments to yourself? Kenny : Mmmmhmm. RL : You see, this is what we're trying to change about the world. There is too much corruption and utter blasphemy in our great country. I'm one who wants to end all the sluttery in entertainment, who wants to end all the violence available to our innocent children, who wants to end all the drug problems. Kenny : Mmmphhujig [bleep]mmph. Kyle : Whadday mean hold the [bleep] up? [Kenny unrolls a picture of this] [The audience oooohs] RL : Now, ha, ha.... That was during a vulnerable moment in my life. Haven't you ever been vulnerable?CM : Yeah! When your [bleep] goons were whuppin' my [bleep]!RL : [chuckles heartliy] You see Eric, that was to reacclimate you to what the rest of our God-fearing country believes in. If we show you the errors in your ways, you will become a more well-rounded person. CM : Well thanks to you [bleep]s my [bleep] is flat!Kenny : MMmphfyy. CM : No I meant flat you [bleeeeeeeeeeeep]! I [bleep] told you I'm big-boned!RL : You see? Such anger, such animocityKyle : Such bull [bleep]. [The audience laughs] ...I found something else too. [Kyle unrolls a picture of this] img.photobucket.com/albums/v78/Reaper696/limbo.jpg [/img] [The audience ooohs] ...See? He does everything we do too, but he's says it's bad and we have to suffer for it. JS : I see, Simon, do you have anything to say? You've been awful quiet. SC : You'd be too if you've been sitting in this [bleep] speaker the whole script. Besides, that [bleep] hasn't given me anything of any substance to say. Unless that substance was his own [bleep]... Dirty [bleep. JS : ...I see. Well we'll be right back after these messages...
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Post by Aish on Mar 15, 2005 15:57:44 GMT -5
OK, Scott - even having had a small sneak peek at this, I am still a tad dumbfounded...I don't know whether to laugh, or laugh. Or just stare...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 15:58:08 GMT -5
[In a plane...]Woman #1 : Ooooh, oooooh, give it to me! Please!
...Yes! Yes!
Man #1 : Aw, I gotta have it, I gotta have it! My head needs it!
...Oooooooh yeah!
Woman #2 : Oh, oh, I want it, I want it now!
...Mmmmmmm
Man #2 : Yeah, swallow it all........
If you want the tightest ride available, why not ride a instead?...
This is an RNN Newsbreak...
A man was arrested for violating a restraining order against his other personality. Godda Scruloos has been trying to rid himself of his other personality for years and figures this was the way to do it. When police arrived on the scene they were seeing Mr. Scruloos arguing and punching with only himself. He was immediately arrested and taken to the local jail. Now Mr. Scruloos' other personality is currently filing a lawsuit against the police department for unlawful incarceration. A court date has yet to be determined...
A man was at his wit's end recently. Noclu Wassoeva was starting his bankruptcy hearing when the lawyer notified him of his $500 fee plus court costs. Mr. Wassoeva is now picketing the courthouse until his case is heard. "I can't prove I'm broke because I'm borke?!? Damn!" He was reported as saying. His case will continue once he pays the initial court costs...
Satan, yes that one, is currently filing divorce papers against God on the grounds of irreconciliable differences. He is seeking to split the kingdom of Heaven and all the angels up to the point of filing, saying it's now his turn to render unto Ceasar. Satan says that he was kicked out of Heaven for being ambitious, and for someone that loves everybody but him is something he cannot bear anymore. A hearing is being scheduled...
This, is RNN News...
JS : ...Ok, we're back. And we're talking to Kyle Brovlofski about the possible corruption of South Park CO.
RL : I'd like to say that these children are doing the right thing by standing up for their fair city, but they are standing up for the wrong cause.
Bush : Exactly huh huh, I wanna put some wholesomeness back into America, I wanna bring back the nyookyoolar family, I wanna put an end, to all that has corrupted our God-lovin' land and bring peace to all the world.
JS : Oh really? Well, I've done some research before the show and found this.
[JS unrolls a picture of this]
[The audience gasps loudly]
Bush : Now, ya see, uhhh, huh huh, ummmm...That was becuz I wanted to show that the FCC was sleepin' on the job. If I put a family member of my staff to work I want him to work. Uhhh...That's all, huh huh, huh huh.
CM : No it wasn't! You just wanted to see hilary's black [bleep]! We all know Laura's a little flat in that area!
Bush : Now just a God[bleep]
[The audience gasps even louder]
...Uhhhh, I mean, uhhhhh, huh huh, huh huh.....That God, damns such things to be said in his presence. Yeah, that's it.
JS : Ok, Mr. President. Let's go to the audience right now....... You, what do you want to say?
Chef : I wanna say that those [bleeeeeeeep have done nothing but give me grief fo' bein' myself! I've been in that cafeteria for 9 years, and I ain't heard [bleep] from no one but these [bleep] about my singin'! What's wrong with hearin' "My Log Needs A Ditch To Dig"?!?
JS : I can see you're very angry, have you ever thought of cleaning up your act?
Chef : [laughing like his ass won American Idol] You got room to talk! And this ain't no act, this is me!
JS : Oooooook, but why are you so angry with them?
Chef : 'Cause them [bleep]s lied! Peep this.
[Chef unrolls a picture of this]
[The audience mumbles]
...Does this look like someone who'd spank me for talkin' to people?
JS : I understand now. Let's get some input from someone else........Yes?
Audience member (AM) # 1 : Say man, I know these cats are doin' dirty [bleep] on the down-low, I sell it to them.
JS : Oh really?
AM : Yeah man, how you think I got the Prez to do this?
[AM unrolls a picture of this]
[The audience is fuming]
Bush : Wait wait, huh huh huh huh, I wuz just jokin' 'bout that picture, right G-Money?
GM : Nope, that baggie in yo' hand was what I paid you to do it, remember that?
Bush : Uhhhh, no [mumbles] comment.
[The audience stands and yells "down with Bush!"]
...Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm here for you people.
CM : [wrestler style] Yeah, here for us to beat you like you've beaten us! Who's with meeeeeeeee?!?
[The audience rush the stage and spank Bush, Rush, Simon's speaker, and all the available SO's until they leave town]
JS : [To himself] I have rearrived...
The next morning on the bus...
[BD picks up Stan]
Stan : Hi Ms. Crabtree.
BD : I told you it's Mizz Crabtree!
Stan : So?
BD : So how 'bout respecting your elders?
Stan : Why?
BD : Because that's the thing to do.
Stan : Says who?
BD : Says me!
Stan : You're just the f*ckin' bus driver, what do you know?
[The children laugh]
BD : Ya know? Maybe they did have the right idea spankin' you kids. You have no respect for anything!
Stan : Yes I do.
BD : Oh yeah? What?
Stan : I have respect for my mouth treating you like the shit you ate in Debbie Does Doo Doo.
[The children laugh]
BD : [exasperated] Ooooooh, shut up and sit down!
[Stan sits down as BD picks up Kyle]
BD : Hi Kyle.
Kyle : Hi Ms. Crabtree.
BD : It's Mizz Crabtree!
Kyle : Yeah yeah whatever, you got my ransom money?
BD : You got the tapes?
Kyle : Well duh, hand the f*ckin' shit over already.
BD : Here you little
Kyle : [sing-songy] Debbie Does The Dead.
BD : Here!
[BD hands Kyle $1,000 and Kyle hands over the tapes]
Kyle : Thank you Ms. Crabtree.
BD : It's Mizz Crabtree rassafrassit!
Kyle : Speak English dude.
[The children laugh. Kyle sits down as BD picks up CM]
BD : Hi Eric.
CM : Well, if ti isn't Lil' Miss, I'm sorry, Mizzz, Superslut.
BD : Hey! I don't call you any names pal!
CM : True, but all the names I call you are true.
BD : No they're not!
CM : [Coyly] Hmmm, Debbie Does d**es With Diarrhea? Hmmmmm?
[The children chuckle]
BD : [Screams] Sit down and shut up!
[CM sits down as BD picks up Kenny]
BD : [Exhausted] Hi Kenny.
Kenny : Mmpphfjkdfkgduifirf.
BD : Mizzzz Crabtree!
Kenny : Mmnmophpgjdhwiewrs.
[The children laugh]
BD : Hey! I'm no cum-belching roadwhore either!
Kenny :Mmmph, nfhdheireuufuduedjudHhdufoGheyeuDjuwuieig.
BD : You saw Debbie Does Dinosaurs huh?
Kenny : Mmmhmm, hfhdifiufueudhdhsgu.
[The children laugh]
BD : Kenny, Those were people in plastic suits.
Kenny : Fhduiogorujffehh?
BD : Ok ok, there were hooves in those suits but I needed the money.
Kenny : Mmm, jhfiuuirigjgjdeoeotrog?
[The children chuckle]
BD : [Exasperated] Wait a minute, I never swallowed anything!
Kenny : Mmmmmmm, ufudiwiEjhfgiTufruuJjfioto, furfuigiojgfg.
[The children crack up]
BD : Now how did you see Debbie Drowns In DNA?!?
Kenny : MmmpdjdiEugigidifj.
BD : Oh Really? Kyle!!!
Kyle : What? I can't get a job, and I wanna Playstation 2. The whole school's seen the whoooooooole collection, for a small fee.
[The children agree and laugh, then start barking, Kenny taunts BD.]
BD : [Hulking out] Why you little
[BD grabs Kenny throat and chokes him until he breathes no more (Ok, so I kept one tradition)]
CM : Oh my god, she killed Kenny.
Kyle : f*ckin' bitch...
After school...
[The bus pulls up]
BD : Alright, everybody in, and no movie talk!!!
[An "SO" walks up to the bus carrying a 3-foot spiked paddle]
"SO" : Excuse me, you killed someone, time for your punishment bitch!
BD : Oh f*ck! Not again!!!
[BD has a heart attack, the ambulance pulls up and takes her away as CM, Stan, and Kyle flop out of the SO suit laughing]
CM : Ha ha ha! Aren't you glad everything's back to normal?...
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 16:00:21 GMT -5
OK, Scott - even having had a small sneak peek at this, I am still a tad dumbfounded...I don't know whether to laugh, or laugh. Or just stare... I wasn't even done getting all the parts in, I saved the last part on purpose...
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Post by Aish on Mar 15, 2005 16:06:39 GMT -5
LOL!!!!!!! ANd now I see why the pics were so important... LMAO
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Post by Reaper696 on Mar 15, 2005 16:21:27 GMT -5
Didn't wanna give the whole plot away, then you wouldn't read the finished product. Do you still think I need medication?...
Thanks for reading this, again...
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Post by MirrorImage || egamIrorriM on Aug 17, 2005 0:17:18 GMT -5
F*CKING GENIUS! you should send this in and ask them to make it into a show. its god enough!
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Post by Reaper696 on Aug 17, 2005 14:56:56 GMT -5
Thanks, that is definitely the plan...
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