Post by Reaper696 on Apr 19, 2007 18:25:09 GMT -5
In the kitchen...
Daddy: Honey I'm home!
Mommy: Wow, you're home early.
Daddy: Yeah, I wanted to spend more time with my family.
Mommy: I thought Christmas almost killed ya.
Daddy: No sweetie, the Christmas bills almost killed me.
Mommy: Oh, well, the kids are in the living room.
Daddy: The living room? I thought they'd be glued to their computer.
Mommy: I had to ground them, they tried to google Sesame Street and they got Sesame Sleaze instead.
Daddy: Huh?
Mommy: Yeah, they were talking about Big Bone, Coochy Monster, and Oscar the Crouch.
Daddy: Oscar the Crouch?
Mommy: Um, he really likes, cans?
Daddy: ....Oh...Well, I'm gonna go hang out with the kids.
Mommy: OK, but remember the talk we had last night.
Daddy: [perplexed] Don't mistake the glue for lube?
Mommy: No, be more honest with them. We don't want them getting the wrong ideas about anything, do we?
Daddy: Of course not, but what did you expect me to do, tell them what the swing in our bedroom is really for?
Mommy: [mockingly] Oh, that's a really oily plant holder.
Daddy: OK, I'll be more honest with them...Wait a minute, we have satellite TV, that's trouble waitin' to happen.
Mommy: Don't worry, I put the prenatal controls on.
Daddy: Um, don't you mean parental controls?
Mommy: Must you always doubt me? It's prenatal controls because no adult can figure out the parental controls on the damn thing.
Daddy: ...Oh.
Mommy: Alright sweetie, just remember if you screw this up, I can start my period at will.
Daddy: [defeated] Yes dear...
In the living room...
Daddy: Greg! Marcia! How are my favorite twins?
Marcia: Dad, we're your only twins.
Daddy: Good point, whatcha watchin'?
Greg: Sesame Street: Greece
Daddy: Wait a minute, Sesame Street, in Greece?
Marcia: Don't worry Daddy, Mommy already checked it for trans fat.
Daddy: But, how did you understand it?
Marcia: Everyone know their ABC's Daddy.
Greg: Yeah, [singing] alpha, beta, gamma, delta...
Marcia: [singing] Epsilon, theta, eta!...
Daddy: OK, I get the picture, whatcha watchin' now?
Greg: Nothin'.
Daddy: How come?
Marcia: 'Cause it's Mommy time silly. It's almost lunchtime. [ghetto-style] Betta ax somebody!
Greg: Yeah boyeeeeee!
Daddy: Oy, well, lemme find you guys something more educational. [cheesy-style] Let's go surfing!
Greg: Jeez, what a tard.
Marcia: No shizzit my brizzo.
[Daddy shakes his head and hits the scan button]
Addict: Yeah man, I was out there bad! I use to smoke vodka and make penicillin souffles! I couldn't stop 'til I went to sleep one night and woke up here! Damn, this box is tight man!...
Announcer: Death: The Anti-drug...
Greg: What's a drug?
Daddy: Well, it's something that makes you feel really ucky.
Greg: Oh.
Marcia: Then Brussel sprouts are drugs, yuck!
Daddy: No, those are vegetables, veggies are healthy.
Greg: But why do you eat them with Mommy late at night?
Daddy: Huh?
Greg: I heard you talkin' to Mr. Coklikka that sometimes you feel like you're eatin' a vegetable.
Daddy: Oh, well, sometimes I don't get enough servings during the day and I have to catch up.
Greg: ...Oh.
[Daddy hits the scan button to another commercial]
Kid: Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy! I feel poopy!
Mom: Walk it off, you'll feel better in a minute.
Kid: But Mommmmmmyyyy! I got chocolate bars fallin' outta my pants! And they don't taste too good!
Mom: Oh dear, time to lay the Brat-down!
Announcer: Yes, Brat-down! Guaranteed to either save your ears or your sanity! Let's watch...
4 seconds later...
Kid: Mommmmyyyyyy! I don't.....Uh....Fuh, fuh, feel any (Kid falls over in his tracks)
Mom: Whew, Brat-down wins again!
Announcer: Yes, when your child's not mild, and driving you wild, lay the Brat-down on 'em! Side effects of this drug may include retardation, munchies, coma and/or death...
Marcia: Hey, didn't you give us some of that after we went to Sugar R Us?
Greg: Yeah.
Daddy: Um, well...
Marcia: Didn't you say drugs was bad for us?
Greg: Yeah.
Daddy: Now hold on, not all drugs are bad, only if you take too much.
Greg: But Daddy, I don't remember the rest of Spring Break.
Marcia: Me too neither.
Daddy: Now don't worry, you had a wonderful time.
[Greg and Marcia look at each other]
Greg/Marcia: OK.
Daddy: Now, with that settled
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Coming up, on Everything's Relative...
Bart: Lisa, I have something to tell you. Remember when we were in bed and I said that you tasted familiar?
Lisa: [apprehensively]Uhhh, yeah.
Bart: Well, it turns out we're related. You see, my Uncle's last name is Thomas-Barton-McAllister-Hussein-Garrett-Blomi-Johnson. And your Cousin's last name is Michael-Bolton-Suxa-Phatwun-Bin Laden-Thomas. We're......Something or other.
Lisa: Oh my god, you mean we've been exchanging the same fluids?
Bart: Yeah.
Lisa: Oh my........Let's go screw somebody else's relatives for a change.
Bart: Good luck dude.
Next, on Everything's Relative...
Marcia: What are they talking about?
Daddy: Um, they were talking about being related.
Greg: I don't get it, what tasted familiar?
Daddy: [nervously] Uhh, their cheeks, yeah, their cheeks tasted familiar.
Marcia: But, what fluids are they exchangin'?
Daddy: Oh boy.....Well, sweetie, when you kiss someone, you get some of their, ummm, skin taste, and sometimes the skin has a little of, ummmm, sweat, and spit, yeah, spit on it.
Marcia/Greg: Ewwwww!
Daddy: [desparately] Please understand honey.
[Marcia and Greg look at each other]
Marcia/Greg: OK.
Daddy: OK.
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Elderly man: Is there a clog in your colon? Has your pooper pooped out on you? Does your brand of bran give you no blam? Well I have the solution, Pupitol brand laxative. With Pupitol you can light up the bathroom to your fart's content, and it doesn't give it that biohazard smell. Try Pupitol today, you'll stank me for it later...
[Greg giggles]
Marcia: What?
[Daddy gives Greg the don't-make-me-stop-this-TV look]
Greg: [nervously] Nuthin'.
Marcia: Daddy, what's Greg laughin' about?
Daddy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, well, um, sweetie, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........Some, people, need, help.......poopin'.
[Greg giggles louder]
Hush you.
Marcia: Huh? Can't you just go to the potty and do it?
[Greg covers his mouth]
Daddy: Well, sometimes, it's not that, easy for some people.
Greg: Dude, now you sound constipated!
[Greg cracks up laughing as Marcia looks confused]
Marcia: I don't get it.
Greg: Can I tell her?
Daddy: Well, you can't do any worse, go ahead.
Greg: [with a devil smirk] Daddy's tryin' to say some old farts can't fart. They gotta get something to scare the crap outta them!
[Greg falls over laughing]
Daddy: Hey Greg, that's not right. Some don't have the strength to, ummm, pinch one out.
[Greg has tears in his eyes laughing so hard]
Marcia: Now how...
Greg: Hold it, I can't stand it no more...
Daddy: Anymore Greg.
Greg: That too, Daddy's tryin' to say that the older you get the harder you poop.
Daddy: Now how do you know this?
Greg: Me and Grampa had, the talk.
[Daddy's heart skips a beat]
Daddy: What?!?
Greg: You know, what happens when you get older.
Daddy: [treading lightly] And uhhhh, what did he say?
Greg: If I gotta tell you you got more to learn than I do.
Marcia: [ghetto-style] Betta ax somebody!
[Greg and Marcia fall over laughing]
Daddy: [exasperated] You guys are enjoying this aren't ya?
[Greg and Marcia quickly sit up straight]
Marcia/Greg: [feigning innocence] No Daddy.
Daddy: Sure, like you didn't enjoy when the neighbor's dog peed on my leg.
[Greg giggles]
Marcia: I told you you looked like a tree.
Daddy: Oy...
[Daddy hits the scan button]
[3 middle-aged guys at a bar watching a fourth walk over to a sexy woman...]
Dude 4: Hi.
[Woman 1 looks down]
Woman 1: Is that a roll of quarters in your pants or are you happy to see me?
Dude 4: [shyly] Well, they're bus tokens actually.
Woman 1: Puhhhleeeze! That's not even enough for a smile, rookie. Why don't you come back when you've, grown up?
Dude 4: But, but, they're only there to give you an idea of my manliness, it is cold in here.
Woman 1: [shakes head] You're too pitiful for a freebie. either go to a gym, or date someone named Jim,OK?
[Woman walks away as his friends laugh. Dude 4 returns to the bar]
Dude 1: Miss the mark again huh? [laughs]
Dude 2: Naw man, he didn't even get to try out! [laughs]
Dude 3: Now now, at least he was honest. Bus tokens are pretty small!
[The 3 laugh as 4 starts crying]
Dude 1: What's wrong, you break your hand?
[2 and 3 giggle]
Dude 4: You guys just don't get it, it's not the women I'm having trouble with, it's.....my.......[looks down] you know.
Dude 2 : [concerned] Dude, you don't even have a bat when you step up to the plate?
Dude 4: [wailing] I don't even have a belly button! [cries in his beer]
Dude 3: Oh, well, if you wanna get your point across [pulls out pill bottle], you take these man.
Dude 4: Wannageddin?
Dude 3: Yeah, you take a couple of those and we won't see you in the morning.
Dude 4: Really?
Dude 2: Yeah, I took some last week and Paris Hilton tried to kidnap me!
Dude 1: Oh yeah? I took some last night and both my wives are happy.
Due 2/3/4: Really?
[Dude 1 grabs a napkin, pushes it down his pants, rolls it around, and pulls it out showing two different colors of lipstick]
[in awe] Whoa.
Dude 1: Yep, here, [points to the end of the bar] there's your chance to prove it.
[1 gives 4 2 pills, 4 slams them down with everybody's beers and pimp-walks over]
Dude 4: Excuse me, could I interest you in some, Italian sausage?
[Woman 2 looks down, and down, and down]
Woman 2: Mmmmmm, does that thing pick up Australia?
Dude 4: Come with me and I'l show you it can pick up heaven.
[Woman 2 jumps up and they walk out of the bar as the other 3 raise their glasses]
You! Wanna get down? You! Wannageddin!
Announcer: Side effects include animal attractions, explosive flatulence, sudden sex changes, and premature masturbation. If your erection lasts more than 4 hours, send the tape to your friends...
[Daddy fidgets like a Slinky on meth, sweat building on his forehead]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: [startled] What?!? What?!?....Oh, sorry...Yes, sweetie?
Marcia: What's an erection?
Daddy: [relieved] Oh well, it's the process of building something.
Marcia: What were they building?
Daddy: Uhhhhh....Confidence! Yeah, confidence.
Marcia: But why did that one man have lipstick in his pants?
Daddy: Oh god.....Ummm........He, umm...had his wives,ummm...check his salami for, ummm...swolleness.
Greg: But Daddy, what was wrong with that one that was cryin'?
Daddy: [wipes sweat with sleeve]Uhhh, it, was, his.........groin, that was wrong.
Greg: Oh, so his jewels weren't shinin' huh?
Daddy: OK guys, let's move on shall we?
Marcia: But Daddy.
Daddy: But nothing, let's watch TV.
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Announcer: Next, on Springer...Women with oversized implants!
Stripper 1: I'm proud of my implants! [stands up and shakes her chest] WOOOOO!
Jerry: But, they're the size of Godzilla's eyes.
Stripper 2: So? The bigger the boobs, the bigger the tips baby! [stands up and rubs #1's boobs] My tips are gettin' hard! Hee hee!
Jerry: Maybe after the show I'll hand you girls a, [winks] tip.
[The strippers giggle and smack themselves silly with their boobs]
Next, on Springer!
[Daddy pulls out a bottle of sedatives, takes 4 out, pops them into his mouth, takes them back out, crushes them and snorts them]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: [shivering] Yes?
Marcia: Why did they get implants?
Daddy: Uhhh.......Be, cause, they, wanted to look better for somebody.
Greg: But Daddy, maybe she has a lot of kids.
Daddy: Huh?
Greg: The bigger the boobs, the more milk silly.
Daddy: [pondering]...I'll take that explanation.
Marcia: What tips got hard Daddy?
Daddy: [yelps] Uhhh, the tips of her fingers. They were so big they hurt her fingers, yeah, yeah.
Greg: Daddy what tip was Jerry gonna give 'em?
Daddy: [flustered] About 3 inches.
Marcia/Greg: Inches?
Daddy: Oh shit!...Aw f*ck, goddammit! Auuuuugh![rubs forehead]I meant dollars, and you didn't hear all that stuff before it, right?
[Marcia and Greg look at each other]
Marcia/Greg: [coyly] Mayyyyyyyybe.
Daddy: How about I give you some candy after dinner, huh?
[Marcia and Greg look at each other, look back at Daddy]
Marcia: We want cash yo.
Greg: [ghetto-style]Yeah, that shiggity ain't cuttin' it here.
Marcia: [ghetto-style]Betta find some otha twins for dat shizzy!
Greg: Yeah boyeeeeeee!
Daddy: OK OK [hands them each $5], but I don't want you 2 asking me any more questions OK?
[Greg and Marcia look at each other, then back to Daddy]
Greg/Marcia: OK
Daddy: Phew!
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Announcerette: New, from Patricia's Pink Pouch.
[Daddy snorts 2 more pills and lolls his head around on the back of the couch]
Model #1: Thinking Thongs.
[Model #1 liftts up her skirt and bends over to show her thong]
Thong Voice: Humidity rising in the South.
Model #2: Billboard Bras.
[Model #2 opens her shirt to show a bra that says "your ad here and here"]
Model #3: Tittilating Teddies.
[Model #3 opens her robe to show a teddy with cups that squeezes her breasts]
Announcerette: Join our Pink Pouch Perverts Club today. Visit www.strokemaster.orgy...
Marcia: Greg, why would you want a talking thong?
Greg: Uhhh, to tell you that it's gonna go up your butt, ha ha ha! what I wanna know is why do you need a shirt to milk your boobs for you?
Marcia: So you can put on your make-up and stuff before the baby wakes up silly.
Greg: Oh OK. Daddy, I wanna Billboard Bra.
Daddy: [snaps out of his coma] What?!?
Greg: I wanna Billboard Bra.
Daddy: But, but-but, why?
Greg: [matter-of-factly] So I can make a big slingshot. Are you OK?
Marcia: Yeah, you look strange.
Greg: Yeah, ain't Mommy slippin' the pipe to ya?
[Daddy blows snotty powder out of his nose]
Daddy: What?!?[//i]
Marcia: Grampa says when someone feels yucky you just slip them some pipe. I had to slip some to Greg yesterday.
Greg: Nuh-uh, I slipped it to you first then you just had to do it too, copycat.
Daddy: What is he teachin' you guys?!?
Marcia: You never had pipe slipped?
Daddy: [indignantly] I most certainly did not! That's an output there kiddo!
Marcia: What's an output?
Daddy: My anus of course!
Greg: [holding back laughter] I heard your anus was the size of a planet! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Daddy: Now hold up you, she didn't....Cut that out!
[Greg and Marcia fall over laughing]
"Slipping the pipe" is a dirty term.
Marcia: No it's not, Grampa said everyone likes the pipe slipped to them.
Daddy: What!?!
Greg: Yeah, sometimes with a friend helping.
[Daddy hyperventilates, Greg and Marcia sit on either side of him and console him]
Marcia: There there Daddy.
[Daddy calms down]
Daddy: Thanks guys.
Greg: See? Was it good for you as it was for me?
Daddy: Yeah honey...Whoa! Whaddaya mean by that?
Marcia: We just "slipped you the pipe", just like Grampa does to Gramma.
[Daddy relaxes and lets the sedative retake over]
Daddy: Ooooooooh, oh my god, I should just calm down sometimes.
Greg: Yeah, you're stressin' hard my dizzy.
Marcia: Fo shizzy.
[Daddy shakes his head and hits the scan button]
Hubby: Say Baby, wanna play follow the leader?
Wifey: Sure.
[Wifey farts]
Hubby: No sweetie, I'm asking if you wanna, um, get, extra marital?
Wifey: Honey you know I did the boys' choir yesterday.
Hubby: [flustered] I mean with me for a change!
Wifey: Oh, OK, lemme go get the smoke out of my kitty.
[Wifey runs upstairs, Hubby turns to the camera]
Hubby: You see, it's times like these you gotta be ready for whoever came her way, that's why you need the best protection money can rent. That's why I have, Ramrod Raincoat. With these you can enter the slimy gates of Hell, which I will do in a minute. Ramrod Raincoats fits any one-eyed willie you can throw at it, and with its Hubba Rubba technology you'll feel like it's only a one-night stand. So get you some Ramrod Raincoats today, or you'll be "handling it yourself" for a long to come.
Announcer: Also available in livestock size.
[Daddy gets fidgety]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: Y,y,y,y,yes d,dear?
Marcia: What's he protectin'?
Daddy: Uhhhhhhhhhh...His manhood.
Greg: He wasn't wearing any hood.
Daddy: Well, um, you don't see it 'cause you're too young.
Marcia: Where's yours Daddy?
Daddy: ............I think I left it at work, right next to my dignity.
Greg: Huh?
Daddy: Oh, nothing, I gotta go potty.
Marcia: Potty?
Greg: Yeah, the fizzy wit dat?
Daddy: [mildly flustered]Now where did you 2 pick up that odd language?
Marcia: From da street yo!
Greg: Yep yep!
Marcia: Sesame Street!
Greg: Yep yep!
Daddy: [rubs temples] I'm gettin' too old...
Marcia: Getting?
Daddy: Hush you.
[Daddy leaves for the bathroom. As Greg runs into the kitchen Marcia hits the scan button]
Oprah: And we're back talking to Ty T. Rytee speaking on the corruption of children. Ty?
Ty: You see, these cartoons nowadays are making our kids depraved people! Take a look at this episode of South Park...
Stan: So, you wanna play doctor now?
Wendy: OK.
[wendy las down, Stan pulls her pants down and views her crotch]
Stan: ......Whoa.
[Whoa echoes 6 times]
....I didn't think it looked like this live, I'm gonna need a second opinion.
[Stan walks out then brings in Cartman and Kenny]
Cartman: ....Whoa, who brought the cave in?
Stan : Shut up fatass or I'll cave you in!
Kenny: Mmmgvfiufouiuaiakdfjhf!
Stan: .....Damn, that is your long-lost Uncle Louie!
Wendy: What's going on? Am I gonna live?
Kenny: Phnhfudueufyhdchsjr, jrueueureysdjfkfje, jfjdejsdkjfdjfkdjhieur.
Wendy: Kenny, I've never been "like Kyle's mom","around the block one time too many", or "rode hard and put up wet"!...
Ty: You see, it's this shit we gotta fight with every day.
[The audience gasps]
Oprah: Don't worry, I bought the FCC yesterday.
[The audience cheers, Daddy turns off the TV]
Daddy: Why don't you guys go out and play?
Marcia: I dunno, why?
Daddy: Oy.
[Greg runs back into the living room]
Greg: Daddy, what's a nookie cork?
Daddy: What?!?
Greg: Mommy needs one now, she pushed her punctuation.
Daddy: [confused as hell] Huh?
Greg: Well, she said she started her period you tard.
Daddy: But,how?
Greg: Mommy said she didn't like you, corrupting our minds.
Marcia: What's corrupting?
Greg: Mommy says it's lying through your teeth to get your way.
Daddy: Wait a minute, I'm corrupting you?!?
Greg: That's what Mommy said.
Daddy: Auuuugh! I'm goin' back to work where it's sane.
Marcia: Don't worry Daddy, just slip her some pipe...
Daddy: Honey I'm home!
Mommy: Wow, you're home early.
Daddy: Yeah, I wanted to spend more time with my family.
Mommy: I thought Christmas almost killed ya.
Daddy: No sweetie, the Christmas bills almost killed me.
Mommy: Oh, well, the kids are in the living room.
Daddy: The living room? I thought they'd be glued to their computer.
Mommy: I had to ground them, they tried to google Sesame Street and they got Sesame Sleaze instead.
Daddy: Huh?
Mommy: Yeah, they were talking about Big Bone, Coochy Monster, and Oscar the Crouch.
Daddy: Oscar the Crouch?
Mommy: Um, he really likes, cans?
Daddy: ....Oh...Well, I'm gonna go hang out with the kids.
Mommy: OK, but remember the talk we had last night.
Daddy: [perplexed] Don't mistake the glue for lube?
Mommy: No, be more honest with them. We don't want them getting the wrong ideas about anything, do we?
Daddy: Of course not, but what did you expect me to do, tell them what the swing in our bedroom is really for?
Mommy: [mockingly] Oh, that's a really oily plant holder.
Daddy: OK, I'll be more honest with them...Wait a minute, we have satellite TV, that's trouble waitin' to happen.
Mommy: Don't worry, I put the prenatal controls on.
Daddy: Um, don't you mean parental controls?
Mommy: Must you always doubt me? It's prenatal controls because no adult can figure out the parental controls on the damn thing.
Daddy: ...Oh.
Mommy: Alright sweetie, just remember if you screw this up, I can start my period at will.
Daddy: [defeated] Yes dear...
In the living room...
Daddy: Greg! Marcia! How are my favorite twins?
Marcia: Dad, we're your only twins.
Daddy: Good point, whatcha watchin'?
Greg: Sesame Street: Greece
Daddy: Wait a minute, Sesame Street, in Greece?
Marcia: Don't worry Daddy, Mommy already checked it for trans fat.
Daddy: But, how did you understand it?
Marcia: Everyone know their ABC's Daddy.
Greg: Yeah, [singing] alpha, beta, gamma, delta...
Marcia: [singing] Epsilon, theta, eta!...
Daddy: OK, I get the picture, whatcha watchin' now?
Greg: Nothin'.
Daddy: How come?
Marcia: 'Cause it's Mommy time silly. It's almost lunchtime. [ghetto-style] Betta ax somebody!
Greg: Yeah boyeeeeee!
Daddy: Oy, well, lemme find you guys something more educational. [cheesy-style] Let's go surfing!
Greg: Jeez, what a tard.
Marcia: No shizzit my brizzo.
[Daddy shakes his head and hits the scan button]
Addict: Yeah man, I was out there bad! I use to smoke vodka and make penicillin souffles! I couldn't stop 'til I went to sleep one night and woke up here! Damn, this box is tight man!...
Announcer: Death: The Anti-drug...
Greg: What's a drug?
Daddy: Well, it's something that makes you feel really ucky.
Greg: Oh.
Marcia: Then Brussel sprouts are drugs, yuck!
Daddy: No, those are vegetables, veggies are healthy.
Greg: But why do you eat them with Mommy late at night?
Daddy: Huh?
Greg: I heard you talkin' to Mr. Coklikka that sometimes you feel like you're eatin' a vegetable.
Daddy: Oh, well, sometimes I don't get enough servings during the day and I have to catch up.
Greg: ...Oh.
[Daddy hits the scan button to another commercial]
Kid: Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy! I feel poopy!
Mom: Walk it off, you'll feel better in a minute.
Kid: But Mommmmmmyyyy! I got chocolate bars fallin' outta my pants! And they don't taste too good!
Mom: Oh dear, time to lay the Brat-down!
Announcer: Yes, Brat-down! Guaranteed to either save your ears or your sanity! Let's watch...
4 seconds later...
Kid: Mommmmyyyyyy! I don't.....Uh....Fuh, fuh, feel any (Kid falls over in his tracks)
Mom: Whew, Brat-down wins again!
Announcer: Yes, when your child's not mild, and driving you wild, lay the Brat-down on 'em! Side effects of this drug may include retardation, munchies, coma and/or death...
Marcia: Hey, didn't you give us some of that after we went to Sugar R Us?
Greg: Yeah.
Daddy: Um, well...
Marcia: Didn't you say drugs was bad for us?
Greg: Yeah.
Daddy: Now hold on, not all drugs are bad, only if you take too much.
Greg: But Daddy, I don't remember the rest of Spring Break.
Marcia: Me too neither.
Daddy: Now don't worry, you had a wonderful time.
[Greg and Marcia look at each other]
Greg/Marcia: OK.
Daddy: Now, with that settled
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Coming up, on Everything's Relative...
Bart: Lisa, I have something to tell you. Remember when we were in bed and I said that you tasted familiar?
Lisa: [apprehensively]Uhhh, yeah.
Bart: Well, it turns out we're related. You see, my Uncle's last name is Thomas-Barton-McAllister-Hussein-Garrett-Blomi-Johnson. And your Cousin's last name is Michael-Bolton-Suxa-Phatwun-Bin Laden-Thomas. We're......Something or other.
Lisa: Oh my god, you mean we've been exchanging the same fluids?
Bart: Yeah.
Lisa: Oh my........Let's go screw somebody else's relatives for a change.
Bart: Good luck dude.
Next, on Everything's Relative...
Marcia: What are they talking about?
Daddy: Um, they were talking about being related.
Greg: I don't get it, what tasted familiar?
Daddy: [nervously] Uhh, their cheeks, yeah, their cheeks tasted familiar.
Marcia: But, what fluids are they exchangin'?
Daddy: Oh boy.....Well, sweetie, when you kiss someone, you get some of their, ummm, skin taste, and sometimes the skin has a little of, ummmm, sweat, and spit, yeah, spit on it.
Marcia/Greg: Ewwwww!
Daddy: [desparately] Please understand honey.
[Marcia and Greg look at each other]
Marcia/Greg: OK.
Daddy: OK.
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Elderly man: Is there a clog in your colon? Has your pooper pooped out on you? Does your brand of bran give you no blam? Well I have the solution, Pupitol brand laxative. With Pupitol you can light up the bathroom to your fart's content, and it doesn't give it that biohazard smell. Try Pupitol today, you'll stank me for it later...
[Greg giggles]
Marcia: What?
[Daddy gives Greg the don't-make-me-stop-this-TV look]
Greg: [nervously] Nuthin'.
Marcia: Daddy, what's Greg laughin' about?
Daddy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, well, um, sweetie, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........Some, people, need, help.......poopin'.
[Greg giggles louder]
Hush you.
Marcia: Huh? Can't you just go to the potty and do it?
[Greg covers his mouth]
Daddy: Well, sometimes, it's not that, easy for some people.
Greg: Dude, now you sound constipated!
[Greg cracks up laughing as Marcia looks confused]
Marcia: I don't get it.
Greg: Can I tell her?
Daddy: Well, you can't do any worse, go ahead.
Greg: [with a devil smirk] Daddy's tryin' to say some old farts can't fart. They gotta get something to scare the crap outta them!
[Greg falls over laughing]
Daddy: Hey Greg, that's not right. Some don't have the strength to, ummm, pinch one out.
[Greg has tears in his eyes laughing so hard]
Marcia: Now how...
Greg: Hold it, I can't stand it no more...
Daddy: Anymore Greg.
Greg: That too, Daddy's tryin' to say that the older you get the harder you poop.
Daddy: Now how do you know this?
Greg: Me and Grampa had, the talk.
[Daddy's heart skips a beat]
Daddy: What?!?
Greg: You know, what happens when you get older.
Daddy: [treading lightly] And uhhhh, what did he say?
Greg: If I gotta tell you you got more to learn than I do.
Marcia: [ghetto-style] Betta ax somebody!
[Greg and Marcia fall over laughing]
Daddy: [exasperated] You guys are enjoying this aren't ya?
[Greg and Marcia quickly sit up straight]
Marcia/Greg: [feigning innocence] No Daddy.
Daddy: Sure, like you didn't enjoy when the neighbor's dog peed on my leg.
[Greg giggles]
Marcia: I told you you looked like a tree.
Daddy: Oy...
[Daddy hits the scan button]
[3 middle-aged guys at a bar watching a fourth walk over to a sexy woman...]
Dude 4: Hi.
[Woman 1 looks down]
Woman 1: Is that a roll of quarters in your pants or are you happy to see me?
Dude 4: [shyly] Well, they're bus tokens actually.
Woman 1: Puhhhleeeze! That's not even enough for a smile, rookie. Why don't you come back when you've, grown up?
Dude 4: But, but, they're only there to give you an idea of my manliness, it is cold in here.
Woman 1: [shakes head] You're too pitiful for a freebie. either go to a gym, or date someone named Jim,OK?
[Woman walks away as his friends laugh. Dude 4 returns to the bar]
Dude 1: Miss the mark again huh? [laughs]
Dude 2: Naw man, he didn't even get to try out! [laughs]
Dude 3: Now now, at least he was honest. Bus tokens are pretty small!
[The 3 laugh as 4 starts crying]
Dude 1: What's wrong, you break your hand?
[2 and 3 giggle]
Dude 4: You guys just don't get it, it's not the women I'm having trouble with, it's.....my.......[looks down] you know.
Dude 2 : [concerned] Dude, you don't even have a bat when you step up to the plate?
Dude 4: [wailing] I don't even have a belly button! [cries in his beer]
Dude 3: Oh, well, if you wanna get your point across [pulls out pill bottle], you take these man.
Dude 4: Wannageddin?
Dude 3: Yeah, you take a couple of those and we won't see you in the morning.
Dude 4: Really?
Dude 2: Yeah, I took some last week and Paris Hilton tried to kidnap me!
Dude 1: Oh yeah? I took some last night and both my wives are happy.
Due 2/3/4: Really?
[Dude 1 grabs a napkin, pushes it down his pants, rolls it around, and pulls it out showing two different colors of lipstick]
[in awe] Whoa.
Dude 1: Yep, here, [points to the end of the bar] there's your chance to prove it.
[1 gives 4 2 pills, 4 slams them down with everybody's beers and pimp-walks over]
Dude 4: Excuse me, could I interest you in some, Italian sausage?
[Woman 2 looks down, and down, and down]
Woman 2: Mmmmmm, does that thing pick up Australia?
Dude 4: Come with me and I'l show you it can pick up heaven.
[Woman 2 jumps up and they walk out of the bar as the other 3 raise their glasses]
You! Wanna get down? You! Wannageddin!
Announcer: Side effects include animal attractions, explosive flatulence, sudden sex changes, and premature masturbation. If your erection lasts more than 4 hours, send the tape to your friends...
[Daddy fidgets like a Slinky on meth, sweat building on his forehead]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: [startled] What?!? What?!?....Oh, sorry...Yes, sweetie?
Marcia: What's an erection?
Daddy: [relieved] Oh well, it's the process of building something.
Marcia: What were they building?
Daddy: Uhhhhh....Confidence! Yeah, confidence.
Marcia: But why did that one man have lipstick in his pants?
Daddy: Oh god.....Ummm........He, umm...had his wives,ummm...check his salami for, ummm...swolleness.
Greg: But Daddy, what was wrong with that one that was cryin'?
Daddy: [wipes sweat with sleeve]Uhhh, it, was, his.........groin, that was wrong.
Greg: Oh, so his jewels weren't shinin' huh?
Daddy: OK guys, let's move on shall we?
Marcia: But Daddy.
Daddy: But nothing, let's watch TV.
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Announcer: Next, on Springer...Women with oversized implants!
Stripper 1: I'm proud of my implants! [stands up and shakes her chest] WOOOOO!
Jerry: But, they're the size of Godzilla's eyes.
Stripper 2: So? The bigger the boobs, the bigger the tips baby! [stands up and rubs #1's boobs] My tips are gettin' hard! Hee hee!
Jerry: Maybe after the show I'll hand you girls a, [winks] tip.
[The strippers giggle and smack themselves silly with their boobs]
Next, on Springer!
[Daddy pulls out a bottle of sedatives, takes 4 out, pops them into his mouth, takes them back out, crushes them and snorts them]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: [shivering] Yes?
Marcia: Why did they get implants?
Daddy: Uhhh.......Be, cause, they, wanted to look better for somebody.
Greg: But Daddy, maybe she has a lot of kids.
Daddy: Huh?
Greg: The bigger the boobs, the more milk silly.
Daddy: [pondering]...I'll take that explanation.
Marcia: What tips got hard Daddy?
Daddy: [yelps] Uhhh, the tips of her fingers. They were so big they hurt her fingers, yeah, yeah.
Greg: Daddy what tip was Jerry gonna give 'em?
Daddy: [flustered] About 3 inches.
Marcia/Greg: Inches?
Daddy: Oh shit!...Aw f*ck, goddammit! Auuuuugh![rubs forehead]I meant dollars, and you didn't hear all that stuff before it, right?
[Marcia and Greg look at each other]
Marcia/Greg: [coyly] Mayyyyyyyybe.
Daddy: How about I give you some candy after dinner, huh?
[Marcia and Greg look at each other, look back at Daddy]
Marcia: We want cash yo.
Greg: [ghetto-style]Yeah, that shiggity ain't cuttin' it here.
Marcia: [ghetto-style]Betta find some otha twins for dat shizzy!
Greg: Yeah boyeeeeeee!
Daddy: OK OK [hands them each $5], but I don't want you 2 asking me any more questions OK?
[Greg and Marcia look at each other, then back to Daddy]
Greg/Marcia: OK
Daddy: Phew!
[Daddy hits the scan button]
Announcerette: New, from Patricia's Pink Pouch.
[Daddy snorts 2 more pills and lolls his head around on the back of the couch]
Model #1: Thinking Thongs.
[Model #1 liftts up her skirt and bends over to show her thong]
Thong Voice: Humidity rising in the South.
Model #2: Billboard Bras.
[Model #2 opens her shirt to show a bra that says "your ad here and here"]
Model #3: Tittilating Teddies.
[Model #3 opens her robe to show a teddy with cups that squeezes her breasts]
Announcerette: Join our Pink Pouch Perverts Club today. Visit www.strokemaster.orgy...
Marcia: Greg, why would you want a talking thong?
Greg: Uhhh, to tell you that it's gonna go up your butt, ha ha ha! what I wanna know is why do you need a shirt to milk your boobs for you?
Marcia: So you can put on your make-up and stuff before the baby wakes up silly.
Greg: Oh OK. Daddy, I wanna Billboard Bra.
Daddy: [snaps out of his coma] What?!?
Greg: I wanna Billboard Bra.
Daddy: But, but-but, why?
Greg: [matter-of-factly] So I can make a big slingshot. Are you OK?
Marcia: Yeah, you look strange.
Greg: Yeah, ain't Mommy slippin' the pipe to ya?
[Daddy blows snotty powder out of his nose]
Daddy: What?!?[//i]
Marcia: Grampa says when someone feels yucky you just slip them some pipe. I had to slip some to Greg yesterday.
Greg: Nuh-uh, I slipped it to you first then you just had to do it too, copycat.
Daddy: What is he teachin' you guys?!?
Marcia: You never had pipe slipped?
Daddy: [indignantly] I most certainly did not! That's an output there kiddo!
Marcia: What's an output?
Daddy: My anus of course!
Greg: [holding back laughter] I heard your anus was the size of a planet! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Daddy: Now hold up you, she didn't....Cut that out!
[Greg and Marcia fall over laughing]
"Slipping the pipe" is a dirty term.
Marcia: No it's not, Grampa said everyone likes the pipe slipped to them.
Daddy: What!?!
Greg: Yeah, sometimes with a friend helping.
[Daddy hyperventilates, Greg and Marcia sit on either side of him and console him]
Marcia: There there Daddy.
[Daddy calms down]
Daddy: Thanks guys.
Greg: See? Was it good for you as it was for me?
Daddy: Yeah honey...Whoa! Whaddaya mean by that?
Marcia: We just "slipped you the pipe", just like Grampa does to Gramma.
[Daddy relaxes and lets the sedative retake over]
Daddy: Ooooooooh, oh my god, I should just calm down sometimes.
Greg: Yeah, you're stressin' hard my dizzy.
Marcia: Fo shizzy.
[Daddy shakes his head and hits the scan button]
Hubby: Say Baby, wanna play follow the leader?
Wifey: Sure.
[Wifey farts]
Hubby: No sweetie, I'm asking if you wanna, um, get, extra marital?
Wifey: Honey you know I did the boys' choir yesterday.
Hubby: [flustered] I mean with me for a change!
Wifey: Oh, OK, lemme go get the smoke out of my kitty.
[Wifey runs upstairs, Hubby turns to the camera]
Hubby: You see, it's times like these you gotta be ready for whoever came her way, that's why you need the best protection money can rent. That's why I have, Ramrod Raincoat. With these you can enter the slimy gates of Hell, which I will do in a minute. Ramrod Raincoats fits any one-eyed willie you can throw at it, and with its Hubba Rubba technology you'll feel like it's only a one-night stand. So get you some Ramrod Raincoats today, or you'll be "handling it yourself" for a long to come.
Announcer: Also available in livestock size.
[Daddy gets fidgety]
Marcia: Daddy?
Daddy: Y,y,y,y,yes d,dear?
Marcia: What's he protectin'?
Daddy: Uhhhhhhhhhh...His manhood.
Greg: He wasn't wearing any hood.
Daddy: Well, um, you don't see it 'cause you're too young.
Marcia: Where's yours Daddy?
Daddy: ............I think I left it at work, right next to my dignity.
Greg: Huh?
Daddy: Oh, nothing, I gotta go potty.
Marcia: Potty?
Greg: Yeah, the fizzy wit dat?
Daddy: [mildly flustered]Now where did you 2 pick up that odd language?
Marcia: From da street yo!
Greg: Yep yep!
Marcia: Sesame Street!
Greg: Yep yep!
Daddy: [rubs temples] I'm gettin' too old...
Marcia: Getting?
Daddy: Hush you.
[Daddy leaves for the bathroom. As Greg runs into the kitchen Marcia hits the scan button]
Oprah: And we're back talking to Ty T. Rytee speaking on the corruption of children. Ty?
Ty: You see, these cartoons nowadays are making our kids depraved people! Take a look at this episode of South Park...
Stan: So, you wanna play doctor now?
Wendy: OK.
[wendy las down, Stan pulls her pants down and views her crotch]
Stan: ......Whoa.
[Whoa echoes 6 times]
....I didn't think it looked like this live, I'm gonna need a second opinion.
[Stan walks out then brings in Cartman and Kenny]
Cartman: ....Whoa, who brought the cave in?
Stan : Shut up fatass or I'll cave you in!
Kenny: Mmmgvfiufouiuaiakdfjhf!
Stan: .....Damn, that is your long-lost Uncle Louie!
Wendy: What's going on? Am I gonna live?
Kenny: Phnhfudueufyhdchsjr, jrueueureysdjfkfje, jfjdejsdkjfdjfkdjhieur.
Wendy: Kenny, I've never been "like Kyle's mom","around the block one time too many", or "rode hard and put up wet"!...
Ty: You see, it's this shit we gotta fight with every day.
[The audience gasps]
Oprah: Don't worry, I bought the FCC yesterday.
[The audience cheers, Daddy turns off the TV]
Daddy: Why don't you guys go out and play?
Marcia: I dunno, why?
Daddy: Oy.
[Greg runs back into the living room]
Greg: Daddy, what's a nookie cork?
Daddy: What?!?
Greg: Mommy needs one now, she pushed her punctuation.
Daddy: [confused as hell] Huh?
Greg: Well, she said she started her period you tard.
Daddy: But,how?
Greg: Mommy said she didn't like you, corrupting our minds.
Marcia: What's corrupting?
Greg: Mommy says it's lying through your teeth to get your way.
Daddy: Wait a minute, I'm corrupting you?!?
Greg: That's what Mommy said.
Daddy: Auuuugh! I'm goin' back to work where it's sane.
Marcia: Don't worry Daddy, just slip her some pipe...