Post by Reaper696 on Mar 2, 2004 15:20:28 GMT -5
*The following stories are fictional, but considering how the world is they won't be for long...
NOOKI NM - Dick Liquor is suing Cuchi County for the right to obtain a driver's liscence for the 3rd time. Mr Liquor claims he's been able to pass the exams since 1996, and feels he should be entitled to the privelege, even thought he's 6 years old.
Mr. Liquor isn't trying to drive his Power Wheels on the highway, you see he was born 2/29/80, and Cuchi County officials won't let him take the test until he is 16 as required by law.
Judges have upheld the decision on the basis of equal enforcement, even though he's 6' 7", 260 lbs., a college graduate, and will be entering the NFL draft. "Ive been here my whole life, they know I'm older than 6. I needs my liscence man, I wanna get laid" said Mr. Liquor during a press interview.
Considering the county's paperwork procedure, the case will not be heard until Mr. Liquor's 7th birthday...
WASHINGTON D.C. - MAD Magazine has filed a copyright infringement suit against President George W. Bush. The magazine claims the he looks too much like their mascot, Alfred E. Neuman, and want him to change his face so their magazine sales won't suffer.
The Bush administration spokesman says "The President is ready to go to war to save his faces. The President feels this is a frivolous lawsuit out to drain our grate country's treasury from our poor and our children. Once the President's campaign is fixed, he will look into this matter with minute precision".
MAD Magazine lawyers have released a statement claiming that this lawsuit "is no joke, his administration and his speeches are". President Bush has filed a countersuit for slander stating that the magazine "distorted the truth about his administration". A date for the preliminary hearing is being set...
ARIZONA - A Verizon spokesman was arrested for disturbing the peace. Bigole Butwype decided to check his cellular connection at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and echoes of "can you hear me now" ensued. He was charged with 2,762 counts of disturbing the peace for each utterance of the phrase. He has been released on $1,000,000 bail...
KOOKTOWN SD - In a rather strange story Kevin DaKokrockett was arrested and charged with sexual assault. What makes it so strange is that Kevin is a 19-inch, self-propelled marital aid (Why do they call them marital aids when single people use them more? Anyway...). The victim claims the machine kept going 7 hours after she achieved her satisfaction.One of the investigating officers released this statement: "Lucy, I mean, the victim is in the hospital being treated. We've studied the hotel room where the incident took place. There was an unknown 5' x 3' puddle in the middle of the bed, and, hold on. Yes Ms. Dameener?.......Officer Dameener has identified it as an orgasm. Ms. Whole, I mean the victim was sweating, she couldn't walk, and was suffering from permagrin from what we could see. Lucy, I mean Ms. Whole, I mean the victim, damn, will be placed in a facility for further study. Female officers are questioning Mr. DaKokrockett at this time".
The police will be keeping the victim's name secret until the case has been resolved...
NUMNUTZ AK - Animal Control officers have arrested a chicken for indecent exposure. Mrs. Susha Dummas was plucking said chicken until it wrestled free and ran around the farm with its breasts exposed. A neighbor's wife called police when she saw her husband was relieving himself while watching the chicken.
The police had to clear the crowd that amassed and noticed white spots all over the fence and perimeter of the farm. The chicken, known to the Dummas family as "Dinner", was covered, handcuffed, and taken to the local jail. Mrs. Dummas tried to pick up Dinner, but when she heard of the $100 bail she was quoted as saying "Looks like hot dogs tonight"...
LYMPDIC FL - On a lighter note, we'd like to give an award for Most Original Proposal: One night Licka DaButi and her dog Lush Rimjob went to bed. At 3AM she was awakened to a distinct smell in her bedroom. It turns out her dog Lush took a dump at the foot of her bed.
While she cleaned up his mess she noticed something shiny in the middle of it. She picked it up to find a ring and a note attached to it saying "Since you deal with this shit so well, how 'bout puttin' ours together forever"? Licka was so happy she put on the ring and called her now-fiancee Ziro Aikyu to cheerfully accept. Upon finishing her phone call she remembered where she got the ring and imediately washed her hands.
At their wedding on 2/30, Lush gave them their wedding bands, in a pooper scooper...
NOOKI NM - Dick Liquor is suing Cuchi County for the right to obtain a driver's liscence for the 3rd time. Mr Liquor claims he's been able to pass the exams since 1996, and feels he should be entitled to the privelege, even thought he's 6 years old.
Mr. Liquor isn't trying to drive his Power Wheels on the highway, you see he was born 2/29/80, and Cuchi County officials won't let him take the test until he is 16 as required by law.
Judges have upheld the decision on the basis of equal enforcement, even though he's 6' 7", 260 lbs., a college graduate, and will be entering the NFL draft. "Ive been here my whole life, they know I'm older than 6. I needs my liscence man, I wanna get laid" said Mr. Liquor during a press interview.
Considering the county's paperwork procedure, the case will not be heard until Mr. Liquor's 7th birthday...
WASHINGTON D.C. - MAD Magazine has filed a copyright infringement suit against President George W. Bush. The magazine claims the he looks too much like their mascot, Alfred E. Neuman, and want him to change his face so their magazine sales won't suffer.
The Bush administration spokesman says "The President is ready to go to war to save his faces. The President feels this is a frivolous lawsuit out to drain our grate country's treasury from our poor and our children. Once the President's campaign is fixed, he will look into this matter with minute precision".
MAD Magazine lawyers have released a statement claiming that this lawsuit "is no joke, his administration and his speeches are". President Bush has filed a countersuit for slander stating that the magazine "distorted the truth about his administration". A date for the preliminary hearing is being set...
ARIZONA - A Verizon spokesman was arrested for disturbing the peace. Bigole Butwype decided to check his cellular connection at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and echoes of "can you hear me now" ensued. He was charged with 2,762 counts of disturbing the peace for each utterance of the phrase. He has been released on $1,000,000 bail...
KOOKTOWN SD - In a rather strange story Kevin DaKokrockett was arrested and charged with sexual assault. What makes it so strange is that Kevin is a 19-inch, self-propelled marital aid (Why do they call them marital aids when single people use them more? Anyway...). The victim claims the machine kept going 7 hours after she achieved her satisfaction.One of the investigating officers released this statement: "Lucy, I mean, the victim is in the hospital being treated. We've studied the hotel room where the incident took place. There was an unknown 5' x 3' puddle in the middle of the bed, and, hold on. Yes Ms. Dameener?.......Officer Dameener has identified it as an orgasm. Ms. Whole, I mean the victim was sweating, she couldn't walk, and was suffering from permagrin from what we could see. Lucy, I mean Ms. Whole, I mean the victim, damn, will be placed in a facility for further study. Female officers are questioning Mr. DaKokrockett at this time".
The police will be keeping the victim's name secret until the case has been resolved...
NUMNUTZ AK - Animal Control officers have arrested a chicken for indecent exposure. Mrs. Susha Dummas was plucking said chicken until it wrestled free and ran around the farm with its breasts exposed. A neighbor's wife called police when she saw her husband was relieving himself while watching the chicken.
The police had to clear the crowd that amassed and noticed white spots all over the fence and perimeter of the farm. The chicken, known to the Dummas family as "Dinner", was covered, handcuffed, and taken to the local jail. Mrs. Dummas tried to pick up Dinner, but when she heard of the $100 bail she was quoted as saying "Looks like hot dogs tonight"...
LYMPDIC FL - On a lighter note, we'd like to give an award for Most Original Proposal: One night Licka DaButi and her dog Lush Rimjob went to bed. At 3AM she was awakened to a distinct smell in her bedroom. It turns out her dog Lush took a dump at the foot of her bed.
While she cleaned up his mess she noticed something shiny in the middle of it. She picked it up to find a ring and a note attached to it saying "Since you deal with this shit so well, how 'bout puttin' ours together forever"? Licka was so happy she put on the ring and called her now-fiancee Ziro Aikyu to cheerfully accept. Upon finishing her phone call she remembered where she got the ring and imediately washed her hands.
At their wedding on 2/30, Lush gave them their wedding bands, in a pooper scooper...