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Post by drillcapsule on Jan 1, 2004 13:47:03 GMT -5
You laugh without a care, As you smile and play with your hair, laughing without a care, youve finally found love you can share, You laugh with outa care in the world, You'll nolonger feel lonely nor cold. Laughing without a care in the world, now you will never grow old, Your laughing with out a care, because you are nolonger here.
this still isnt finnished yet, once again i apologize for any spelling mistakes, oh and nice to see you here *Raven*
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Jan 1, 2004 13:54:55 GMT -5
I like this one...The last caught me off guard....I'm looking forward to reading more...
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Jan 1, 2004 14:04:36 GMT -5
Very unique. Not as smooth as your other one, but still really good. I'd love to see you add on to it...
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jan 1, 2004 16:57:13 GMT -5
i found your repetition of "without a care" to be very unneeded.. doing that took away from your piece. it would sound a great deal better if you used different and creative lines instead. far too much of the same thing was used throughout the piece. it needs a whole lot of work.. but thats just one opinion.
welcome to the site, drillcapsule.
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Post by drillcapsule on Jan 2, 2004 10:26:27 GMT -5
thank you for your replys, very greatful for them
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