|
Post by :.:.:KrO NiC DaZe:.:.: on Dec 30, 2003 14:56:12 GMT -5
[glow=black,2,300]"My Last Goodbye"
I walked in the door and I knew I was busted, You could see it on my face, Yeah I was dusted My dad jus shook his head, Then said "One of these days you gon wined up dead", Then went on ta bed I sat back for a minute and thought, " Damn I jus got caught" "What should I do", "What have I got myself into?", "I guess I'm thru" I tried ta forget it for the night, But I knew I wouldn't sleep til shit was right I knew I wouldnt be able ta look him in the eye's, Cuz he knows all my lie's Once I decided what I was gon do, I wrote him a note "this one thing is true, dad I love you" I packed up my shit, Took my last hit, Then split I went ta friends for the night, I needed someone ta tell me "everythings gon be alright" I got my last high, Had my last cry, Then looked ta the sky and said my last goodbye[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 30, 2003 22:19:20 GMT -5
Ouch! The last line is powerful. Some of the rhymes in your other lines, feel really forced though..... like head/bed. [glow=black,2,300]My dad jus shook his head, Then said "One of these days you gon wined up dead", Then went on ta bed[/glow] wined should be wind. [glow=black,2,300]I knew I wouldnt be able ta look him in the eye's, Cuz he knows all my lie's[/glow] lie's should be lies.
|
|
|
Post by :.:.:KrO NiC DaZe:.:.: on Dec 31, 2003 1:11:14 GMT -5
lol...I have decided that from now on I'm not gonna responde ta comments that are about my grammar...becuz obviously if you can correct it then you knew what I meant...and it aint like they're big mistakes...Now if it's a big mistake like I did in another poem I posted then that is fine but to comment about grammar is petty and a waste of time...I'm not pissed off or no shit like that I jus thought I'd make that known...Lata
|
|
|
Post by :.:.:KrO NiC DaZe:.:.: on Dec 31, 2003 1:14:22 GMT -5
oh and ta the head/bed comment...it wasn't forced...actually if you look at it...it wasn't even needed...I added it becuz this poem was for a poetry contest and it had ta have a certain amount of words and bars...but anyway..Lata
|
|