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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 24, 2003 14:24:31 GMT -5
You say you love me. You say you care. Bullshit. I can see Beneath that phony smile you wear
Only for you do you live this life A good mom, a good friend Your image the only reason for your strife It's why you refuse to bring my end
Upon my untimely suicide You'd choke out tears, all lies To no one would you confide You're glad this burden dies.
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Dec 24, 2003 14:27:11 GMT -5
this one really brought a tear to my eye.....I can feel the emotion in it....I realy love this one!
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Dec 28, 2003 14:28:30 GMT -5
i agree with the above reply.. this is definately a very very emotional piece. well done.
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AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Dec 29, 2003 19:27:07 GMT -5
It's like the words that run through my mind in all of my relationships. Thanks for sharing, very emotional.
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Post by :.:.:KrO NiC DaZe:.:.: on Dec 30, 2003 15:33:30 GMT -5
Like this poem alot...Altho the flow was a little rough...But anyway...nice shit...you got ur message across...lata
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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 30, 2003 16:30:39 GMT -5
Like this poem alot...Altho the flow was a little rough...But anyway...nice shit...you got ur message across...lata Yeah, the flow is a little rough... The problem is... I don't know how to fix it in this poem
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tavarilyn
Crimson Soul
nothing is real but the way that i feel
Posts: 76
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Post by tavarilyn on Dec 30, 2003 16:54:41 GMT -5
I've found when my poetry gets rough it's because I'm either trying to apply a rhyme scheme that's unsuitable... or because I'm trying to fit a meter to it. You might try it with in-line rhymes if you want to keep the rhyming... or you could revamp it freestyle w/o rhyming and w/o meter. It's easier to get across a feeling when you aren't trying to worry about words that rhyme with things like 'suicide' :}
You've captured the emotion, albeit a tragic one, right nicely. Keep revising, you'll get it in time.
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Post by black jewelled rain on Jan 7, 2004 0:11:53 GMT -5
I particularly liked your final stanza. It sounds alot like my relationships, too. Particularly with my mother.
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Post by lostandalone on Jan 7, 2004 14:30:07 GMT -5
lina, wow. . . you should publish your stuff in a book
you are really good. *eyes get water-e*
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