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Post by drillcapsule on Dec 19, 2003 12:41:22 GMT -5
hello im a newbie here and this is one of my poems
Dreams and sins, little places where Wars are being fought and no one wins You claim yourself to be innocent I just say your naive, Naive to have thought that i would not of Found out your little secret, That it was you who stole the possability To our happiness
im sorry for any spelling mistakes im lookin forwerd to some feedback
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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 20, 2003 20:33:46 GMT -5
I like the first two lines. They're very true, and very well put. I like the rhyme between sins and wins. I wonder.... what is it called when you place your rhyme like that?
When you say "I would not of" it should be "I would not have" Also, "possability" should be "possibility"
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 20, 2003 21:02:05 GMT -5
Welcome to the site! I like the message behind this poem. A few things could be worked on, but that's what we're all here for: to learn from one another! Hope to see more of your poems soon!
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 14:11:38 GMT -5
Not bad at all. If you fix up the grammar and structure a bit, it would be great. The emotion behind it is very touching...
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