DarkenTheSky
Demon Disciple
Beneath the Watery Lust Garden, my Secret Lies. . .
Posts: 392
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Post by DarkenTheSky on Nov 10, 2003 5:46:50 GMT -5
You were wrong, And now I'm gone, But I wasn't right, So who won the fight? I still think of you, Come darkness of night, Please forgive me, I long for your bite.
I miss your heart of blackened stone, I'll treat you better then you've ever known, You'll be my secret, I'll be yours, Infatuation will heal our open sores.
My angels were all slaughtered by me, So that you and I are free to be, My demons are our gaurdians now, Joint suicide is my only vow.
I won't ever live alone again, You'll be my everlasting friend.
We'll die together, Holding each other, Never say "Good-bye" To one another.
Now I'm begging that you'll never leave, What do I have to do to make you see I only want you or life's nothing to me, I'm calling out, I'm dying inside, I'd do anything for you, Even suicide.
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 3, 2003 15:47:14 GMT -5
Your rhyming seems a little forced in this poem. Don't try to hard to rhyme. With practice, it will just come. It should sounds natural. Like when you're talking and you accidentally say two consecutive sentences that rhyme. But it was a good effort, so keep practising!
The final two lines were very striking. And I think they have special meaning to me, as I said exactly that to someone not long ago. I told him we could 'die together'.
Anyway, I love your style. Your poems are very good and maqke a great read. They certainly deserve more comments than they've had so far.
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 21:24:32 GMT -5
I love the fantasy, yet reality behind this poem. Although the rhyme is forced at times, it still flows quite nicely. Your style is very unique and I like it a lot...
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