DarkenTheSky
Demon Disciple
Beneath the Watery Lust Garden, my Secret Lies. . .
Posts: 392
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Post by DarkenTheSky on Nov 10, 2003 5:11:17 GMT -5
I wake up and don't want to get out of bed, I'm pissed off that I'm still not dead. I have nothing to say, it's already been said, And yeah, I'm better off, better off dead.
Everyday I'm fighting with life, Using my sharpened, red-stained knife, I need to see my blood, it calms me down, Reminds me death can still be found, Damn hypocrit's opinionated sound Is making me sick.
I watch my clock's second hand Ticking me away into Death's land, What did I do that was so great To make my Grim Reaper full of hate? He thinks he's funny by changing my fate, I'm suppose to be dead, but it's too late.
He won't let me die.
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Post by Lina Inverse on Nov 27, 2003 12:26:32 GMT -5
You're probably well aware of it, but this poem isn't as good as your other ones. Much of this poem is cliche and overdone ("using my sharpened, red-stained knife" is so common unlike the unique cutting situations in your other poems). The rhyme is also forced and your rythm lags.
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DarkenTheSky
Demon Disciple
Beneath the Watery Lust Garden, my Secret Lies. . .
Posts: 392
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Post by DarkenTheSky on Nov 27, 2003 19:24:32 GMT -5
Yes, I am aware of the poorness of this piece I believe i originally started this out as lyrics for a song for my band, and tossed the idea. I probably shouldn't have posted it, either, but it's always interesting and nice to get feedback that will help you improve. thank you!
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 9, 2003 9:02:45 GMT -5
Of course you should have posted this piece! The only way to improve is to read other people's work and let them read yours. And there are good aspects to this poem. For example:
The first line is a little cliche, but I really like the second. And the lines about the clock are very good too. There are some good ideas in here that you can really improve on. Just out of interest, is this an earlier poem?
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 10, 2003 9:15:34 GMT -5
Well, you've certainly improved, and you have alot of potential. Keep it up!
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 20:32:03 GMT -5
Actually, this isn't as bad as Lina has raved. The rhyme scheme may be a bit forced, but it still sounds relatively smooth. I also like the structure of it. I think it would actually make a better song than a poem...
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