CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Oct 21, 2003 15:13:09 GMT -5
Touched by the darkness Wrapped in the fear Soaked in the sweat Face covered in tears Visions made blurry With every slash at my wrist Rip at my soul Watch my eyes mist Agony rips Sorrow tears Push me down This will never be fair Someday you will feel What kills me inside Then you will ask me to help you Get off of this ride
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 21, 2003 18:04:44 GMT -5
I loved the rhyming in this (I'm starting to sounds like a broken record, but I really do love rhyming in poems!). The part where you talked about slashing at your writsts and your soul being ripped really reached out and grabbed me. Just watch your spelling in 'Sorrow tares'. Apart from that, it was great work!
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 22:44:06 GMT -5
Very powerful and moving. I enjoyed the emotion and rhyming in it. Very well written...
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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 23, 2003 0:25:18 GMT -5
Damn! The rythm is just.... perfect! And it's not at the expense of imagery, meaning, or rhyme. This is one of the best pieces I've read in a while.
You say "sorrow tares" which I'm assuming is a typo.
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Dec 24, 2003 11:41:27 GMT -5
You say "sorrow tares" which I'm assuming is a typo. Yeah it is, sorry bout that....and thanks by the way, that really means a lot
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Post by lostandalone on Dec 24, 2003 20:08:17 GMT -5
ya know it brings a person down when you point out the spelling problems
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Dec 25, 2003 4:40:29 GMT -5
I have a lot of spelling problems.....I'm used to it
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Post by Forsaken on Dec 25, 2003 17:22:56 GMT -5
Everyone makes mistakes. It's nothing to be sorry about. Anyway, it was a great poem. I hope you have more for everyone to read. Keep up the great work!
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AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Dec 26, 2003 0:33:12 GMT -5
I also really liked your rhyme scheme. The way that you started it out just pulled me in.
'Touched by the darkness<<<<it slips in Wrapped in the fear<<<<it grabs Soaked in the sweat<<<<creates image Face covered in tears'<<<<brings emotion
All in the first stanza! This is an excellent poem. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by :.:.:KrO NiC DaZe:.:.: on Dec 27, 2003 0:48:36 GMT -5
Loved the poem...nice flow...good meaning...so over all...good shit...lata
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Dec 28, 2003 14:19:03 GMT -5
as already said before.. wicked rhythm and flow. this piece has a very natural feel to it.
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