Evil Amerigo
Crimson Soul
"I will never feed off the evergreen luster of your heart"--SOAD
Posts: 93
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Post by Evil Amerigo on Oct 20, 2003 18:46:30 GMT -5
He is forever there Trapped in his life Cursed and blessed Forever Legends obssessed The tip of the knife Forever the strife
The toil Of the soil The lich The crypt The darkness The rift
The end The light The bend The wight
Nature's mistake Life eternal Forever feared His fate sealed
Tacit lake Stagnant pond
Forgotten, enchained He sufferes forever Escape? Never
This Earth--his hell
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Post by Lina Inverse on Oct 20, 2003 23:20:28 GMT -5
I loved the last line. A perfect ender.
I would remove/combine some of the shorter stanzas... They just don't have the same impact that the longer ones do.
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Evil Amerigo
Crimson Soul
"I will never feed off the evergreen luster of your heart"--SOAD
Posts: 93
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Post by Evil Amerigo on Oct 20, 2003 23:42:06 GMT -5
I loved the last line. A perfect ender. I would remove/combine some of the shorter stanzas... They just don't have the same impact that the longer ones do. Really? I kinda liked the shorter stanzas... If anything I thought some of the longer stanzas were out of place... I suppose my trail of thought is very much shrouded by mere two worded lines...
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 21, 2003 19:10:56 GMT -5
I agree that I loved the final line.
I think that shorter lines and stanzas can indeed work to your advantage is used well. Just be careful that you don't end up with a poem that sounds very disjointed.
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 22:37:41 GMT -5
At first the poem really didn't catch my attention, but once I got to the last line, that's what made it worth the while...
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Dec 24, 2003 14:20:11 GMT -5
At first the poem really didn't catch my attention, but once I got to the last line, that's what made it worth the while... I agree....well done! The last line is everything in this poem
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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 27, 2003 4:59:24 GMT -5
Well here we are, none of us being able to agree on the stanza lengths.... Well, EA, since you're the poet, you have the final say. When I make suggestions, it's only for asking you to consider it, since I know that you may have your reasons behind it or I missed something subtle in the poem.
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Evil Amerigo
Crimson Soul
"I will never feed off the evergreen luster of your heart"--SOAD
Posts: 93
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Post by Evil Amerigo on Dec 27, 2003 22:55:14 GMT -5
Well here we are, none of us being able to agree on the stanza lengths.... Well, EA, since you're the poet, you have the final say. When I make suggestions, it's only for asking you to consider it, since I know that you may have your reasons behind it or I missed something subtle in the poem. Actually now that i read it again after all this time... I think you're right... But then again it seems like the entire poem kind of sucks now... Yeah the only thing that came out good is the last line... but oh well...
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