CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Oct 19, 2003 1:50:51 GMT -5
You want to sit and catch snowflakes on your tongue While I cry and cut natures gift into my wrist Lonely dreams splatter my heart And bloodshot eyes begin to mist
Slit my wrist under the midnight sun Blood drops onto the red stained floor Looking for a feeling I need something, a life that holds something more
When the silence takes me over and depression engulfs me I’ve given up on loving me Until the day that I’ll break through and let go of it all I’ve given up on being free
The stars that burn my eyes tonight Won’t let me hold on to time So as I let life slip away I will not admit my crimes
Life, its like water in my hands Holding onto nothing, drowning in your lies Slipping through my fingers Deceived by my own eyes
A broken home that’s not broken at all Just a broken spirit that’s been killed and brought back Nowhere to run when this hand holds my heart Now will I have to accept my past?
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 20, 2003 18:09:22 GMT -5
I can really identify with this poem. The idea that you've given up loving yourself and given up on being free is so true. And I liked the contradiction of 'midnight' and 'sun'. And the similie of life being like water was very clever. I really liked that little piece of wisdom!
The line 'Blood drops drip onto the, now stained, floor' would have flowed a little better without the comma's. You don't need them anyway.I hope your broen spirit mends...
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 22:50:38 GMT -5
This poem is very touching. I can relate to it in almost every way. The imagery and similies used within it make it very interesting to read and the smoothness makes it even better...
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Post by Lina Inverse on Dec 23, 2003 0:32:59 GMT -5
While I cry and cut natures gift into my wrist This is amazing! There are so many boring, overdone ways to say "I cut myself" but this is truly unique, interesting, and beautiful. Are lonely dreams a metaphor for spilled blood? Midnight sun.... Again, unique and beautiful. What exactly is the midnight sun? Is it the moon? Is it a lightbulb? Or is it the absense of sun at midnight? Blood drops drip..... quite the tonguetwister there ^_^ And the commas are unnecessary. Depression engulfs me...... Another perfectly stated phrase. Very vivid and active, bursting with meaning, and heartwrenchingly true. Perfect rhyme...... Perfect expression of hopelessness.... I've often felt like I've given up on being free.... That I could just become a slave to society.... a slave to mindless toiling for perfect grades for no reason at all..... Onto is one word.
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AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Dec 23, 2003 3:05:22 GMT -5
I cannot add anything that they haven't already said. This was an excellent write! I especially liked the lines 'The stars that burn my eyes tonight Won’t let me hold on to time So as I let life slip away I will not admit my crimes' Great Work
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CrimsonAngel
Demon Disciple
.Fallen from the broken gates of heaven
Posts: 305
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Post by CrimsonAngel on Dec 23, 2003 21:21:04 GMT -5
Blood drops drip..... quite the tonguetwister there ^_^ And the commas are unnecessary. That was typo, I seem to have a lot of those in my writting and I never notice them till someone else points them out...sorry bout that...
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