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Mimic
Feb 23, 2006 13:54:15 GMT -5
Post by Hyde on Feb 23, 2006 13:54:15 GMT -5
Pupils wrapped in a disillusioned glow, peephole to my thoughts that are coming together like jigsaw pieces cut into squares. All is quiet on this boys front, except for the constant ramblings that are using this as a chance to escape with every inhale and quick sentence ending breath. A devout mimicking of suspended animation brings these visions choppy bright but fading quickly with fixed Freudian slip meanings. These eyes have become mesmerized on visually conjured sedations....
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DarkenTheSky
Demon Disciple
Beneath the Watery Lust Garden, my Secret Lies. . .
Posts: 392
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Mimic
Feb 23, 2006 23:39:12 GMT -5
Post by DarkenTheSky on Feb 23, 2006 23:39:12 GMT -5
i liked the idea behind this.
the line "that have gone jigsaw" feels akward, it might be the 'gone jigsaw' part, like it feels like it should be jigsawed or something. im not saying change it to that at all, but that's the type of akwardness that sentence has. . .
"pupils wrapped in disillusioned glow" had a great ring to it, good flow, great wording, "Peephole to my thoughts" good way to follow, i really liked the idea. "freudian slip meaning" i think i just liked because it made me feel intelligent that i knew what it meant =) "These eyes have become mesmerized on visually conjured sedations. . . " good strong way to end, beautiful not-overdone language, accompanied with good imagery. the title was also a good choice, pulled me in, interested me.
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Mimic
Feb 28, 2006 23:49:45 GMT -5
Post by colourlessthoughts on Feb 28, 2006 23:49:45 GMT -5
i hate the fact that i dont have a pen handy when thoughts such as those come flicking in my brain... i always try to stop at the beginning so i can just remember that... but then boooooom the rest comes out and i forget all about it.... one after another all day long... then by the time i get to sit down and write... nothing happens... i loved this poem
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