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Post by colourlessthoughts on Jul 21, 2005 20:49:01 GMT -5
i as a black fluid spewing through the inner workings of a ribbion-esque tree
infect the leaves with shadows only to cast them down to thee
dissolving the colour of your beings
i lay still upon you evaporating us all into the black day sky
the light of the universe has diminished leaving us limitless
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Post by Hyde on Jul 30, 2005 7:25:03 GMT -5
Great wording & great emotion. A great poem.
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Post by Hyde on Aug 1, 2005 16:55:33 GMT -5
Incase the above wasn't seen for the joke i meant it to be here is my real opinion.
"I as a black fluid spewing through the inner workings of a ribbion-esque tree" --- This grabbed my attention well and left me dwelling on it even after I finished the poem.
"infect the leaves with shadows only to cast them down to thee" --- Ths may be the best use is infect in a poem I have ever read. It really seemed to fit in place and show the emotion of the line.
"i blanket you colourful beings" --- This line stood out of place, the wording just seemed not to fit well. Maybe it's just me.
"i lay still upon you evaporating us all into the black day sky" --- Perhaps the best line of the entirepoem. Fill with not only solid emotion but a great image as well.
"the light of the universe diminishes this leaves us limitless " --- These two lines seemed to me like they could have been reworded and made into one line. That would've worked alot better in my opinion.
Overall this is a very emotional poem. I felt it and enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by colourlessthoughts on Aug 1, 2005 17:07:14 GMT -5
your feedback is taken...changing the last two lines into one is a good idea... i used blanket( to describe the covering of the shadows)probably could be worded differently(i'll plug away at it). thanks for reading in depth... i knew your original reply was a joke...made me laugh-bastard-...
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