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Post by gravedancer on Jan 23, 2005 5:23:07 GMT -5
...not the first
Where salvation is lost your find me Where night is god i'll be praying in my heart your find.....
Everynight in this room your find me Where strengh is gained your find me in this room in my heart will be.......
I'll live for the first time on my last day I'll see it for what it is on my last night and i'll fall
From empty to empty lost day to lost night eyes now dull once so bright the reflection in my eyes is.....
From strive to abandon From god to stray now so dark once in the light in these eyes you'll see......
I'll live for the first time on my last day I'll see it for what it is on my last night and i'll fall
in my heart your find..... in my heart will be....... the reflection in my eyes is..... in these eyes you'll see......
.....nothing
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Post by Yossarian on Jan 23, 2005 7:16:03 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star, GraveDancer.
I liked your concept, and the format was interesting, but there were so many typos it was sometimes hard to understand what you were saying; it made no sense, if you follow me.
this was bordering on cliche, but I still liked this stanza the most, the first two lines were very clever.
Good start!
Yossarian
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Post by carpenoctern on Jan 23, 2005 11:56:56 GMT -5
Nice, very nice.... and welcome Nice format... but watch your spelling. It really does detract from the overall flow. But besides that fact, I really enjoyed reading this. Hope to read some more of your work soon
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Daemonized
Crimson Soul
There are noises in the dark ... the owners of which ... are better not to behold
Posts: 138
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Post by Daemonized on Jan 24, 2005 18:48:05 GMT -5
I agree this needs a bit of typo correction. Other than that, it was a good write. I dunno what genre I'd put it into though ... it could swing into a couple. Keep it up.
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