|
Post by Yossarian on Nov 23, 2004 18:36:32 GMT -5
the first two lines and the last stanza was great...esp. liked the chorus:
the only thing I would suggest changing would be "house" to "place."
nicely done!
|
|
|
Post by shadowsangel on Nov 23, 2004 18:47:31 GMT -5
thanks it means alot to me that song does anyway you sugestion wont go un hurd ill change it and see what people think of it on sheezy if they like it ill change it here
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Nov 25, 2004 15:02:45 GMT -5
there are a few distracting grammar mistakes in your writing..
"objects that are" or "an object that is."
"no way"
the door is?
what exactly do you mean by this line?
is that question mark really needed? maybe im just reading it wrong..
the lack of punctuation made it very difficult to get through this piece for me. there were lines that had several sentences and thoughts in them that ran together. you may want to break things up differently so that your readers can understand better.
anyways, sorry if im being a bit harsh with you.. i only want to give some proper critique(well, as proper as i can get.)
|
|
|
Post by shadowsangel on Nov 25, 2004 15:28:00 GMT -5
hey no problem i love people being honest make thing easyer for me yea i know bad gramme ri got a E for english thats bad would of got a D but i got marks notcked of for bad grammer ^^
|
|