Daemonized
Crimson Soul
There are noises in the dark ... the owners of which ... are better not to behold
Posts: 138
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Post by Daemonized on Nov 8, 2004 21:41:32 GMT -5
Greetings,
This is quite an old piece of mine ... maybe it needs polishing ... lemme know.
REDESIGNED WHORE
Machine flesh … contagion soul negated by the victims of genocide Jaded psychotic … relinquished control senseless and synthetic inside This redesigned whore that is me
Burning and twisting censor and replicate Freezing and infecting the diseased breed hate
Complex ideology … assassinated faith baptised by the cyberchrist Chemical blood … euphoric pain inhuman and newly purified This redesigned whore that is me
Burning and twisting censor and replicate Freezing and infecting the diseased icon hate
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Post by Yossarian on Nov 9, 2004 7:16:55 GMT -5
Complex ideology … assassinated faith baptised by the cyberchrist Chemical blood … euphoric pain inhuman and newly purified This redesigned whore that is me hmm...for some reason, this piece didn't seem to flow as much as your other pieces...the chorus was not as strong, and the first verse didn't really do anything for me. but the verse I quoted above was simply fantastice...very well written.
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Daemonized
Crimson Soul
There are noises in the dark ... the owners of which ... are better not to behold
Posts: 138
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Post by Daemonized on Nov 10, 2004 15:28:01 GMT -5
Greetings,
Thanks for putting my mind at rest. I am going to dissect and redo this because obviously when I wrote it, I didn't have much bite.
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Post by Queenie on Nov 10, 2004 16:40:34 GMT -5
Now this worked for me.
It makes the reader think, translate meaning, your not spoon fed anything, which I like. Rhyme scheme is good, some internal ryhme, alliteration, oxymoron's, busy but not too busy.
I agree that the chorus could use some work. Was wondering about working on syllable length, perhaps the removal of censor and replicate and replacing with more two syllable para ryhmes.
Q
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Post by Yossarian on Nov 12, 2004 12:54:01 GMT -5
after looking at all of your songs, they seem to be getting formulatic, with the six line chorus, and most of the lines consist of only one or two words...it's different than the norm, but it gets boring after a while if that's all you use.
"forgotten and forsaken"....now there's a great piece!
Cheers,
Yossarian
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