Post by monoxxidez on May 26, 2020 14:58:39 GMT -5
The Ivory Tower Made of Egg Shells
I have always felt like there's this layer to me. A layer nobody sees, but I can feel. I dont know if its raw emotion... if it's anger or jealousy or happiness, I dont know. It feels different all the time depending on what way my universe has affected me that day. I am leashed, told that I cant express myself. Told who I can and can't be. Abandoned by people who claim to love me but I can hardly remember a time they didn't want something in exchange. My emotions are bottled, that bottle is tossed around, slammed on the floor, left and forgotten. One day someone will open that bottle and the content that comes out will no longer be the sticky sweet liquid you were expecting. What drips thickly from what is now a void of an opening is thick, tar-like dark sadness. It is the withered potential of a once great thing... mistreated, misunderstood and left to ferment. The surprise washes over you and you realize that you hate what this bottle has become. After all, it was just something you could keep around until you were ready to use it. It never deserved any true merit, didn't deserve a spot at your table in the ivory tower - even though constantly you would tell it that it did. Its ivory tower is built on eggshells. One misstep and it all crumbles down while yours is formed in hard granite. No fear of losing your castle.
The words won't form in my throat, I ask for small bits of help and i'm told nope. Told i'm controlling, told i'm a bad guy, told my minds broken and battered and what's in my heart doesn't really matter. My opinion is garbage, my emotions are wrong, my soul is just weak and my heart is just gone. Like me just asking for a little understanding, to level with me and listen is so f*cking hard you cant fit it into your schedule. Everything I say is ludicrous and every word I speak is supposedly a lie, I see my life differently, if i'm not happy here, why even try? I've helped build this kingdom, i've laid every brick, i've poured all the mortar and watched my life tick as the second to minutes, minutes to hours and then, hours to years, years into tears i've been ruled in fear and when I realized it made me sick. Thought you were by my side, I was wrong, it was all just a beautiful trick. Pulled off with snake-like movements, secrets whispered in shadows. "Make him feel special for a bit, who cares if he's really sad though". Seen as a joke, carried as a burden, look me in my eyes, was it all really worth it? Built on my backbone, coated in blood, the sweat and the tears that i've given have been covered up. You tell me i've done nothing, I dont deserve what I have. Is failure what you see when you look in the eyes of this man? He's dedicated his life, when you fell he held out his hand. When he fell down, you did nothing but sit back and laugh. Left him alone in his thoughts, spiraled in darkness, gripped with fear, brain thinking madness, breathtaking chest pain tears streaming down his face and you don't even see it. You don't even see it.
Is it so hard to give a man happiness, would it be too hard to try and force a smile? A simple pat on the back when his feet are just bleeding from all of the miles he's tracked. Not asking for much, just a smile or some love or a touch but the thought it REPULSES YOU, I DIDNT KNOW YOU HATED ME THIS MUCH. IT'S SUCH A SMALL THING TO GIVE ANYONE SOME SIMPLE KINDNESS, SOME FRIENDLY REMINDERS THAT YOU'RE NOT JUST HERE FOR THE CHAOS AND VIOLENCE. SEE ME AS A PERSON, SEE ME AS A MAN I'M ON MY KNEES IN THE DIRT, BODY IN TREMORS WITH MY FACE BURIED INTO MY HANDS. I'M BROKEN, EXPLODED AND LOATHED I WANNA KNOW, WAS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO SAY NO? THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT AND THEN ACTUALLY CHANGE, MAKE YOURSELF BETTER AND ALLOW US TO GROW? NO. BEAT ME DOWN FOR MY MISTAKES, MISSTEPS, POINT OUT EVERY TIME THAT I SLIPPED. I'D CRAWL THROUGH A MINEFIELD FOR YOU IF IT MEANT I GOT TO FEEL THE KISS OF YOUR LIPS.
That was never an option, to you what I offered was common. You figured you could find ANYONE better than me, you told me often. I was replaceable, a cog in a machine... I sold out my soul and everything that was me. Disrespected, never learned the lesson and followed you blindly. Love is wild, I ran thru barbed wire for you and you never treated me kindly. I was your armor, I WAS YOUR SHIELD! I LOVE YOU WHEN NO-ONE ELSE WILL, but it counts for nothing, my feelings are worthless... I could take my next breath, but is it really worth it?
I have always felt like there's this layer to me. A layer nobody sees, but I can feel. I dont know if its raw emotion... if it's anger or jealousy or happiness, I dont know. It feels different all the time depending on what way my universe has affected me that day. I am leashed, told that I cant express myself. Told who I can and can't be. Abandoned by people who claim to love me but I can hardly remember a time they didn't want something in exchange. My emotions are bottled, that bottle is tossed around, slammed on the floor, left and forgotten. One day someone will open that bottle and the content that comes out will no longer be the sticky sweet liquid you were expecting. What drips thickly from what is now a void of an opening is thick, tar-like dark sadness. It is the withered potential of a once great thing... mistreated, misunderstood and left to ferment. The surprise washes over you and you realize that you hate what this bottle has become. After all, it was just something you could keep around until you were ready to use it. It never deserved any true merit, didn't deserve a spot at your table in the ivory tower - even though constantly you would tell it that it did. Its ivory tower is built on eggshells. One misstep and it all crumbles down while yours is formed in hard granite. No fear of losing your castle.
The words won't form in my throat, I ask for small bits of help and i'm told nope. Told i'm controlling, told i'm a bad guy, told my minds broken and battered and what's in my heart doesn't really matter. My opinion is garbage, my emotions are wrong, my soul is just weak and my heart is just gone. Like me just asking for a little understanding, to level with me and listen is so f*cking hard you cant fit it into your schedule. Everything I say is ludicrous and every word I speak is supposedly a lie, I see my life differently, if i'm not happy here, why even try? I've helped build this kingdom, i've laid every brick, i've poured all the mortar and watched my life tick as the second to minutes, minutes to hours and then, hours to years, years into tears i've been ruled in fear and when I realized it made me sick. Thought you were by my side, I was wrong, it was all just a beautiful trick. Pulled off with snake-like movements, secrets whispered in shadows. "Make him feel special for a bit, who cares if he's really sad though". Seen as a joke, carried as a burden, look me in my eyes, was it all really worth it? Built on my backbone, coated in blood, the sweat and the tears that i've given have been covered up. You tell me i've done nothing, I dont deserve what I have. Is failure what you see when you look in the eyes of this man? He's dedicated his life, when you fell he held out his hand. When he fell down, you did nothing but sit back and laugh. Left him alone in his thoughts, spiraled in darkness, gripped with fear, brain thinking madness, breathtaking chest pain tears streaming down his face and you don't even see it. You don't even see it.
Is it so hard to give a man happiness, would it be too hard to try and force a smile? A simple pat on the back when his feet are just bleeding from all of the miles he's tracked. Not asking for much, just a smile or some love or a touch but the thought it REPULSES YOU, I DIDNT KNOW YOU HATED ME THIS MUCH. IT'S SUCH A SMALL THING TO GIVE ANYONE SOME SIMPLE KINDNESS, SOME FRIENDLY REMINDERS THAT YOU'RE NOT JUST HERE FOR THE CHAOS AND VIOLENCE. SEE ME AS A PERSON, SEE ME AS A MAN I'M ON MY KNEES IN THE DIRT, BODY IN TREMORS WITH MY FACE BURIED INTO MY HANDS. I'M BROKEN, EXPLODED AND LOATHED I WANNA KNOW, WAS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO SAY NO? THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT AND THEN ACTUALLY CHANGE, MAKE YOURSELF BETTER AND ALLOW US TO GROW? NO. BEAT ME DOWN FOR MY MISTAKES, MISSTEPS, POINT OUT EVERY TIME THAT I SLIPPED. I'D CRAWL THROUGH A MINEFIELD FOR YOU IF IT MEANT I GOT TO FEEL THE KISS OF YOUR LIPS.
That was never an option, to you what I offered was common. You figured you could find ANYONE better than me, you told me often. I was replaceable, a cog in a machine... I sold out my soul and everything that was me. Disrespected, never learned the lesson and followed you blindly. Love is wild, I ran thru barbed wire for you and you never treated me kindly. I was your armor, I WAS YOUR SHIELD! I LOVE YOU WHEN NO-ONE ELSE WILL, but it counts for nothing, my feelings are worthless... I could take my next breath, but is it really worth it?