suicideangel
Dark Initiate
What am i to do when the world turns dark and cold?
Posts: 24
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Post by suicideangel on Jan 4, 2016 0:33:03 GMT -5
She looks back, There is something behind her, She is running from something, But she's not sure what it is.
The darkness of night, Engulfs her body and mind, As she starts seeing things, Things that are only in her mind.
She is lost and alone, Her body shakes with fear, Where is she, How did she get here?
As she blindly goes ahead, She stumbles and she falls, She listens in the darkness, As the crows call.
The tears start coming, As she tries to hold them back, But they come anyway, It's too late, She can't turn back.
This girl is broken forever. She was damaged and torn apart. What can she do. She has a broken heart.
As the darkness engulfs her, She lies there awake, Broken forever, There is no mistake.
Her body shakes with fear, As she lies in the dark, She has lost, She has a broken heart.
This girl is broken forever, Though she cannot say when She just has to keep smiling She just has to try.
But for now she will lay there, In the darkest of night, Forever broken Forever in night.
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Post by awesomebill on Jan 4, 2016 10:38:19 GMT -5
It's good. Real daggone good. Now here's what I was 'o thinkin', and it's only a suggestion: a few edits to shorten the lines so it doesn't read so formal like an essay or an article.
This is how I'd change it iffin' I was to edit it:
Here's the original opening-
She looks back, There is something behind her, She is running from something, But she's not sure what it is.
Here's how I would write it-
She looks back, There's something behind her, She's running from something, But she's not sure what.
This way is more simplified and flows better I think, but again, bravo.
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suicideangel
Dark Initiate
What am i to do when the world turns dark and cold?
Posts: 24
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Post by suicideangel on Jan 7, 2016 17:31:03 GMT -5
Thank you that does shorten it, I will keep this in mind as I write more.
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Post by twistedangel on Jan 23, 2016 2:22:59 GMT -5
The writing style is soooo similar to how I started writing....an I now see how others would probly view me early stuff lol Ok me first thoughts with it is the almost childlike rhyming scheme used, it distracts from the seriousness of wot your trying to say The other is that it is very overly worded, the repetition of "she" is not needed It comes across as a beginners poem, an is not all bad, IMO is a good base to start from, I do hope some of our better at crit than me members give this write some attention
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Post by koiali on May 8, 2017 2:27:40 GMT -5
I really like this one. It has the classic four line structure, and it rhymes. The flow is pretty good too. I agree with awesomebill. For the most part, I think shortened lines sound a bit better, however that's just my opinion.
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Post by robindarkslipper on Nov 27, 2017 10:48:01 GMT -5
I love it really cool
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